96 FAITH AND LOVE. 



interested in the seclusion of Gilbert; I could not refrain 

 frequently glancing at his windows, and pausing in the small 

 entry to see if he were moving ; and then I blushed and 

 checked myself in this unmanly scrutiny ; yet the total silence 

 pervading his room grew appalling. Not a curtain was stirred, 

 not a foot-fall heard. Through the long, long hours, a still- 

 ness like death was about him. Then the long, long night, 

 with its lagging seconds made audible by the heavy tick 

 of the old German clock, and the hours pealed out by its 

 lengthened toll, as it would never cease — the breath grew 

 labored in listening ; and the brain counted as by necessity, 

 one — two — three — and onward, with a vexed and yet mechan- 

 ical curiosity. The senses acquired a painful intensity. I 

 remember starting at the tramp of feet over my pillow, which 

 proved only those of a fly — there was a confused sound at one 

 time near my own breast, which gave a fearful dread of new 

 and organic disease — it was a rising and falling as with my 

 own breath ; a guttural quiver that thrilled along my nerves, 

 and seemed a part of them. — I opened my eyes and a large 

 black cat was purring in the moonlight beside me. The senses 

 had a distinct and preternatural activity, totally independent of 

 the reason. That night was an eternity of hours to my mind ; 

 for apart from my interest in Gilbert, my own spirit had its 

 sorrow, which the solitude, the night, and silence brought 

 home to me with terrific energy. Life seemed a grey, hope- 

 less blank, and even the spiritual aspirations, which rarely 

 desert me, grew dim and vague, and a cold scepticism was 

 settling upon me. Thank God I arose and prayed for deliver- 

 ance from the subtle ingratitude, this violence done to the 



