58 MY LIFE 



the longer string that could be used, caused them to spin 

 longer. The individuality of tops was rather curious, as some 

 could only be made to spin by holding them with the peg 

 upwards, others with it downwards, while others would spin 

 when held in either position, and thrown almost anyhow. 

 When tops were in fashion they might have been made the 

 vehicle for very interesting teaching of mechanics, but that 

 again was quite beyond the range of the ordinary school- 

 master of the early part of the nineteenth century. 



During my last year's residence at Hertford an arrange- 

 ment was made by which, I suppose, the fees paid for my 

 schooling were remitted on condition that I assisted in the 

 school. I was a good writer and reader, and while continuing 

 my regular classes in Latin and algebra, I took the younger 

 boys in reading and dictation, arithmetic and writing. Al- 

 though I had no objection whatever to the work itself, the 

 anomalous position it gave me in the school — there being a 

 score of boys older than myself who were scholars only — was 

 exceedingly distasteful. It led to many disagreeables, and 

 subjected me to painful insinuations and annoying remarks. 

 I was especially sensitive to what all boys dislike — the being 

 placed in any exceptional position or having to do anything 

 different from other boys, and not of my own choice. Every 

 time I entered the schoolroom I felt ashamed, and whether I 

 was engaged at my own lessons or occupied as a teacher, I 

 was equally uncomfortable. I cannot now remember all the 

 details of what was to me a constant humiliation, but I am 

 sure it must have been a time of very real mental anguish 

 from one result that persisted almost into middle life. For 

 at least twenty years after I left school, and I think even 

 longer, I was subject to frequently recurring dreams of still 

 having to go to school in the hybrid position of pupil and 

 teacher, aggravated by feeling myself taller, and at least a 

 man, and yet suffering over again with increased intensity 

 the shyness and sense of disgrace of my boyhood. In my 

 dreams I hated to go; when I reached the schoolhouse I 

 dreaded to open the door, especially if a few minutes late, 



