MISS PHILADELPHIA FIRKIN. 



By Miss Mitford. 



Chapter II. 



The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost 

 universal popularity was beyond all manner 

 of doubt his fair neighbor, Miss Philadel- 

 phia Firkin. She, together with her trusty 

 adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, held 

 Jem, his alehouse, and his customers, 

 whether tailor, drover, or dealer, his yard 

 and its contents, horses or donkey, ox or 

 cow, pig or dog, in unmeasured and undis- 

 guised abhorrence : she threatened to indict 

 the place for a nuisance, to appeal to the 

 mayor ; and upon some "good-natured friend" 

 telling her that mine host had snapped his 

 fingers at her as a chattering old maid, she 

 did actually go so far as to speak to her land- 

 lord, who was also Jem's, upon the iniquity 

 of his doings. This worthy, happening, 

 however, to be a great brewer, knew better 

 than to dismiss a tenant whose consumption 

 of double X was so satisfactory. So that 

 Miss Firkin took nothing by her motion 

 beyond a few of those smoothening and pa- 

 cificatory speeches, which, when admin- 

 istered to a person in a passion, have, as I 

 have often observed, a remarkable tendency 

 to exasperate the disease. 



At last, however, came a real and substan- 

 tial grievance, an actionable trespass ; and 

 although Miss Philly was a considerable 

 loser by the mischance, and a lawsuit is always 

 rather a questionable remedy for pecuniary 

 damage, yet such was the keenness of her 

 hatred towards poor J em, that I am quite 

 convinced that in her inmost heart (although 

 being an excellent person in her way; it is 

 doubtful whether she told herself the whole 

 truth in the matter)— she rejoiced at a loss 

 which would enable her to take such signal 

 vengeance over her next door enemy. An 

 obstreperous cow, walking backward instead 

 of forward, as that placid animal when pro- 

 voked has the habit of doing, came in con- 

 tact with a weak part of the paling which 

 divided Miss Firkin's back premises from 

 Master Tyler's yard, and not only upset Mr. 

 Lamb into a crate of crockery which he was 

 in the act of unpacking, to the inexpressible 

 discomfiture of both parties, but Miss Wolfe, 

 who, upon hearing the mixture of crash and 

 squall, ran to the rescue, found herself 

 knocked down by a donkey who had entered 

 at the breach, and was saluted as she rose by 

 a peal of laughter from young Sam Tyler, 

 Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle, who, 

 accompanied by two or three other chaps as 

 unlucky as himself, sat quietly on a gate, 

 surveyingand enjoying the mischief. 



" I'll bring an action against the villain ! " 



ejaculated Miss Philly, as soon as the enemy 

 was driven from her quarters, and her china 

 and dependents set upon their feet: — "I'll 

 take the law of him ! " And in this spirited 

 resolution did mistress, shopman, and shop- 

 woman, find comfort for the losses, the 

 scratches, and the bruises of the day. 



This affray commenced on a Thursday 

 evening towards the latter end of March; 

 and it so happened i that we had occasion 

 to send to Miss Philly early the next morn- 

 ing for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use 

 of my geraniums. 



Our messenger was, as it chanced, a cer- 

 tain lad, by name Dick Barnett, who has 

 lived with us off and on ever since he was 

 the height of the table, and who, originally a 

 saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, 

 and amusing, has been indulged in giving 

 vent to all manner of impertinences until he 

 has become a sort of privileged person, and 

 takes, with high or low, a freedom of speech 

 that might become a lady's page or a King's 

 jester. Every now and then we feel that 

 this licence, which in a child of ten years 

 old we found so diverting, has become in- 

 convenient in a youth of seventeen, and 

 favor him and ourselves with a lecture accord- 

 ingly. But such is the force of inveterate habit 

 that our remonstrances upon this subject 

 are usually so much gravity wasted upon 

 him and upon ourselves. He, in the course 

 of a day or two, comes forth with some fresh 

 prank more amusing than before, and we (I 

 grieve to confess such a weakness) resume 

 our laughter. 



To do justice, however, to this modern 

 Hobin Goodfellow, there was most commonly 

 a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his 

 wildest tricks or his most egregious romances 

 — for in the matter of a jest he was apt to 

 draw pretty largely from an inventive faculty 

 of remarkable fertility ; he was constant in 

 his attachments, whether to man or beast, 

 loyal to his employers, and although idle and 

 uncertain enough in other work, admirable 

 in all that related to the stable or the ken- 

 nel — the best driver, best rider, best trainer 

 of a greyhound, and best finder of a hare in 

 all Berkshire. 



He was, as usual, accompanied on this 

 errand by one of his four-footed favorites, 

 a delicate snow-white grey-hound called 

 Mayfly, of whom Miss Philly flatteringly 

 observed, that " she was as beautiful as 

 china ; " and upon the civil lady of the 

 shop proceeding to inquire after the health 

 of his master and mistress, and the general 

 news of Aberleigh, master Ben, who well 

 knew her proficiency in gossipping, and had 

 the dislike of a man and a rival to any 

 female practitioner in that art, checked at 

 once this condescending overture to con- 

 versation by answering with more than his 

 usual consequence : " The chief news that 



