THE MAN OF ADVENTURES. 



{Concluded from page 255.) 



Well, Sir, one day I called at the house 

 of my charmer — the mother conveniently 

 missing — the old cat was sitting by the 

 kitchen fire poring, or perhaps purring 

 over a newspaper — I saw her through the 

 area windows — no one above stairs. Strolled 

 into the garden and took a squint at the daisies 

 and dandelions. Came at last to a shrubbery 

 — pretty retired spot — Solitude in the sulks 

 — there she was, not Solitude, but Sally, lying 

 asleep, embedded in flowers, 'herself the 

 fairest flower, by gloomy Dis.' — Here was 

 an opportunity. 



" Cymon and Iphigenia -but I was not the 

 real Simon Pure. Couldn't resist — knelt 

 clown — impressed a kiss upon her coral lips 

 — made the rural glade re-echo again with 

 my extemporaneous tribute. My rival it 

 seems was lying perdue in an adjacent pad- 

 dock, shot through the inviting foliage of a 

 holly-bush, caught me by the collar — raised 

 it and my other choler at the same time — 

 Miss Sally took to weeping and wailing, and 

 we to gnashing of teeth ; and away we all 

 went growling, and swearing and blubbering 

 up the gravel-path. Strange, agreeable trio 

 — three and the deuce — two to one on the odd 

 trick, eh ? ha ! ha ! ha ! Now, Sir, to the point 

 at once. We came to high words, and what 

 do you think he did ? " 



" I cannot possibly say." 



" But guess." 



" Cannot conceive." 



" He kicked me, Sir ; kicked me out of the 

 house, with anything but a light, although a 

 fantastic toe." 



" Kicked you ! my dear Sir, but surely — " 



" I bore it," interrupted the Captain; "I 

 bore it with heroic fortitude," — rubbing his 

 chin with much complacency. 



" But you demanded satisfaction after- 

 wards, no doubt ; nothing but blood could 

 expiate." — 



"Pish! My dear Sir, I see you know 

 nothing of the laws of honor. Do you think 

 that I could consent to meet a man who 

 would be guilty of kicking a gentleman down 

 stairs? My dear Sir! — only reflect — don't 

 you see, it would be impossible to put such a 

 man upon a level ? Don't you see the thing 

 at once ? " 



While I was thus debating this point 

 within myself — in which, sooth to say, I dis- 

 covered more discretion and common sense 

 than madness and courage— and was inclined 

 to rank the Captain rather as a philosopher 

 than a hero, he burst out again. 



" Talking of kicking reminds me of a 

 strange adventure — ha ! ha ! I shall never 

 forget it. The landlord of the house where I 

 once lodged — furnished apartments, first floor, 



all that sort of thing — was discoursing one 

 night of ghosts, and expressing a superstitious 

 dread of those mushroom species of mockery 

 — which I firmly believe to be the shadows of 

 the dead rambling about to divert ennui, 

 seeing that their owners have no longer any 

 occasion for them. — Well, Sir, his wife, a 

 wicked jade, full of spirits, gay as a lark, 

 was pleased to doubt my courage in these 

 matters, whereas, Sir, I despise the thing 

 altogether. I have seen hundreds of them, 

 of all sizes, ever since the wound in my head 

 at Badajos — a large assortment of them, I 

 say, ghosts and ghostlings, sprites and 

 spectres. Two or three nights after this, I 

 was awakened by a slight noise. I listened ; 

 all dark, all still ; presently the door opens, 

 in steps a terrific figure, head blue as a pill ; 

 in short, a stick of locomotive starch. I had 

 my snuff-box in my hand — can't do without a 

 pinch of snuff in the night, aimed it at his blue 

 pill of a head, knocked out his eye, egad — 

 not particular to a shade ; sprang out of bed, 

 gave it a kick, over the banisters it went, 

 and was found on the mat at the foot of the 

 stairs in ruins." 



" But, Captain, you alarm me ; who was 

 this creature ? " 



" Oh ! my dear Sir, all right. The people 

 of the house picked it up, and it turned out 

 to be the landlord. Three months before they 

 got him into decent repair again. Fatal 

 speculation in unprofitable schemes ! The 

 absurd fellow had been instigated by his wife 

 to the experiment, and was nearly sent to 

 the other world for his pains, to set up ghost 

 on his own account — ha ! ha ! ha ! " 



" But we military men," said the Captain, 

 altering his tone to a mournful and depre- 

 cating cadence — " we are subject to a great 

 many annoyances and vexations, of which 

 the great mass of society is unconscious ; and 

 indeed I believe it to be pretty generally 

 the case with us fellows of frolic and wit, 

 who are formed for the delight of mankind ; 

 they won't let us do as we please by any 

 means, and the consequence is, we please no- 

 body. Now, your poets — " (I shuddered, 

 for I too am of the tuneful throng !) " ill-used 

 creatures, those poets : they usually sing in 

 cages, I fear — those muses, the three times 

 three of poets without wine, are most econo- 

 mical ladies, and give very little away ; and 

 the bard who sits down in anticipation of a 

 bay leaf, egad, has much more cause to ex- 

 pect a bailiff. Just so with me. Now, lam 

 cooped up with a most insufficient stipend, a 

 most iniquitous income — what's to be said ? 

 My half-pay does not suffice to pay anything 

 at all ; I mean that a man on half-pay should 

 only be expected to pay half ; what do you 

 say to that ? I'll tell you, Sir, an expedient 

 of mine — wonderful sagacity — the most per- 

 fect presence of mind perhaps ever exhibited 



