446 



RECREA TION. 



rods of the tracks. A camp chest, regard- 

 less of contents, was turned on end for the 

 judge, Pop Collins, while the witnesses ar- 

 ranged themselves in various attitudes. 



" Bring in ther pris'ner." The judge as- 

 sumed a stern air. 



" Guess I'll have to arrest myself, won't 

 I?" drawled the Idiot. 



" Mister Clerk! Who's ther Clerk? " 



Nobody spoke. All wanted to be wit- 

 nesses or spectators. 



" I appint D'Auber Clerk o' this here 

 Court." D'Auber seated himself in front 

 of the judge, his back against the judge's 

 seat, pencil and paper in hand. 



" Mr. Clerk, fine ther pris'ner $2 fer kin- 

 tempt o' Court." D'Auber entered the fine. 



" Pris'ner, who be ye? and what yer been 

 doin'?" 



" Please your Honor I don't know, yet." 



" Mister Clerk, $2 more. Pris'ner, be 

 careful what yer say. Mr. Clerk, swar ther 

 pris'ner." 



Clerk: " Pris'ner, hold up your left hand. 

 Now repeat after me. ' I solemnly swear 

 never to tell the truth ' " 



" No need to swear him to that," said the 

 Infant. 



— " ' to always divide my bottle with the 

 Clerk of this honorable Court ' " 



" But not the contents "—added the Id- 

 iot 



" Two dollars more," shouted the judge. 



" ' Never to put burrs in the Hon. Jo- 

 seph's blankets and — (here the Clerk stuck, 

 but an idea came to him and he went on) 

 so help me 4 aces in a jack pot.' ' 



His Honor: "Ther pris'ner'll hold his 

 yap whilst ther Clerk reads ther indite- 

 munt." 



Clerk: " You, the Idiot, stand before this 

 bar of judgment accused of — what's he ac- 

 cused of, Judge? " 



His Honor: " Of bein' er Idjet, mostly." 



Clerk: " Of being an Idiot and conspir- 

 ing against the peace and good temper of 

 this Court." 



His Honor: " Are ye guilty or not 

 guilty?" 



Prisoner: " Your Honor, I have no law- 

 yer and " 



" Yer bet yer boots, I'll defend yer, young 

 feller." 



Every one started, except his Honor, and 

 looked in the direction the sound came 

 from. Out of the shadows of the trees 

 stepped the raggedest specimen of the 

 genus hobo we had ever seen. 



" Ef et's ther pleasure of his Honor and 

 ther Pris'ner, I'll do ther defense act," said 

 this apparition as he stepped into the fire- 

 light. 



His Honor: "I guess as how ef the 

 Pris'ner kin stan' it, we kin. Idjit yer kin 

 confer with Whiskers." 



Whiskers: " Gentlemen, ye'll excuse my 

 sudden ontray, but I'm er sort of modern 

 knight of the road arnd kaint see ther weak 



an' defenseless oppressed. I war jes' com- 

 in' ter borray the loan of er square meal 

 when I hears ye a railroadin' this innercent 

 young man to prison or to death, an', as 

 usual, I rushes ter the resqu." 



Joe: " There's no flies on you, pard." 



Whiskers: " 'Ceptin' in summer time. 

 Now then, as I'se ter defend yer, young 

 feller, yer better make er clean breast of it. 

 Did yer steal ther hoss or not? " 



Prisoner: " Your Honor, may I retire 

 and confer with my Attorney? " 



His Honor: " Yer may. This here 

 Court's a'journed fer 10 minutes." 



The prisoner and his counsel disappeared 

 in the shadows of the trees. After a few 

 moments a peculiar sound was heard, as of 

 some liquid running from a jug or bottle. 



" Counsel's collecting his fee in ad- 

 vance," remarked Ten Gage. 



" You're mistaken," said ' Joe, " that's 

 only a retainer." 



" Wall," said Pop, " did yer ever see er 

 cheekier hobo nor that? " 



" Wait till we hear the defense. I'll bet 

 he knocks the District Attorney out, in the 

 first round," declared the Infant. 



Here the prisoner and his counsel ap- 

 peared. 



Whiskers: "Yer Honor, we's ready." 



His Honor: " Mr. Clerk, call the Court 

 to order." 



Clerk: " The Court will come to order." 



Whiskers: " Yous don't know how ter 

 call no Court ter order." 



His Honor: " Silence in ther Court! 

 We'll now percede with ther case." 



Dist. Att'y: " Your Honor and gentle- 

 men, you have all heard the indictment. 

 Most of you are acquainted with the pris- 

 oner and are living witnesses of the truth 

 of the indictment. Who has caused the fair 

 and once rotund form of our beloved broth- 

 er, the Infant, to waste away, to the frail and 

 consumptive being he is? Who, I ask, has 

 caused the fierce, upward curl to the once 

 meek and drooping mustache of our worthy 

 Clerk? Who is it that has driven the Hon. 

 Joseph off his feed by putting indigo in his 

 smoking tobacco? Who was it drove the 

 talented and gifted District Attorney bald 

 headed by drawing the shot from his car- 

 tridges, so that he never bagged a bird all 

 day? Who, I repeat, has been for the past 

 2 years driving the honorable gentlemen 

 before me crazy with his idiocies? Earth 

 and Heaven unite in denouncing the pris- 

 oner at the bar. 



" Gaze on that face, your Honor, and 

 gentlemen! Beneath that mask of guile- 

 lessness lies a depth of depravity unequaled 

 in the annals of crime. See how he cringes 

 beneath the accusing finger of Justice. 

 Your Honor, in the name of humanity and 

 the cause of justice, I demand that this in- 

 famous wretch be sentenced to be muzzled 

 while he treats the crowd." 



Whiskers: " Yer Honor, we intend ter 



