FOREST AND STREAM. 



7 



SOME EPISODES IN THE LIFE OF A 

 VERY BAD BOY. 



THE quiet lit tle village of of this State was hon- 

 ond by my appearance on the morning of Sept. 

 13, eighteen hundred and never mind. 



T ,-.e honor I fear was never fully appreciated by the 

 denizens of the hamlet. 



My first recollection of myself was upon the occasion 

 of my putting the kitten into the tea kettle just prepared 

 to be hung upon the hook of an old-fashioned crane in 

 the large open fire-place of the kitchen. 



Th* peculiar flavor of the tea led to an investigation 

 and detection of my part of the business. It is needless 

 to say that the warning I received on that occasion was 

 fco impressed on my mind and body that it cook root 

 served as a data of introduction to a succession of similar 

 attentions to my early education which failed to eradi- 

 cate the brightest ambition of my juvenile mind to 

 destroy infant cats ; and regardless of the many similar 

 applications of slippers and small birchen rods 1 con- 

 tinued to di seen rage the efforts of our old white Tabby 

 to raise a family of mousers. The well and the rain 

 water barrel afforded excellent facilities for disposing of 

 them. I always felt sorry for the kittens, and invariably 

 shed tears over them when consigning them to their 

 watery graves, but the mania for destruction prevailed, 

 in spite of my sympathies, and they had to go. The cat- 

 astrophe being followed by the usual application and 

 practical illustration of the proverb that to spare the rod 

 is to spoil the child, It is but justice to my honored 

 father to say that if I was spoiled it was from no neglect 

 on his part." He did his duty honestly, and with a vigor 

 worthy of a bettor cause. 



On looking back through the long vista of years and 

 bringing to my mind the recollection of my early days, 

 I cannot but believe I must have been a trial to my re- 

 spected parents, and I think it must have been very near 

 the truth when it was asserted that I was the worst boy 

 in the village, and especially was it so stated with great 

 emphasis when one Sunday morning it was discovered 

 that there was not a whole pane of glass remaining in the 

 school-house windows. A trial of skill on the afternoon 

 previous between another young gentleman and myself 

 as to who could hit the greatest number of panes with 

 the fewest number of apples from the adjoining orchard, 

 resulting in my favor, as well as a subsequent reward 

 of merit. As" the young gentleman aforesaid, with a 

 view to shirking his share of the responsibility, had hied 

 him homeward, and "blabbed" on me, as the culprit, 

 disclaiming any participation on his part. The conse- 

 quences were of a serious character, involving a heavy bill 

 lor ray governor to pay for damages. The result to my- 

 s< If I pass over. Imagination can supply description, but 

 there was a little personal matter to be settled between 

 that young gentleman and myself for his having 

 '•peached." For a whole week I had to nurse my 

 wrath, as he kept very shy of me, but on the following 

 Sunday morning as he was coming out of Sunday-school, 

 conveyed by a spinster aunt, and dressed in an immacu- 

 late white linen suit, I seized him on the very portals of 

 the sanctuary. It had rained the night previous and 

 1* ft a charming mud puddle just in front of the church, 

 and despite the rush of the spinster aunt to the rescue, 

 her darling was treated to a bath, remorselessly rolled 

 over and soused until there was little left of his magnifi- 

 cence ; and when hauled ashore by the aunt and the 

 beadle, he was a sight to behold. I will pass over the 

 excitement this little episode caused. The minister 

 preached a sermon on the growing tendency of the young 

 to iniquity and the duty of parents. A convention of 

 the old village gossips was held, and it was universally 

 resolved that my future life would be a series of 

 desperate crimes winding up with an ignominious end, 

 the scaffold or the prison, with expressions of sympathy 

 for my poor parents. I found myself tabooed and out- 

 cast, shunned by all tbe boys, who were forbidden to 

 associate with me, whereupon I thrashed them in succes- 

 sion, as I caught them, by way of keeping up my 

 character for ferocity. I was the terror of the village, 

 everything thereafter being laid at my door, and I think 

 I rather enjoyed it. My mother was sorely grieved and 

 shed many bitter tears over my great demoralization, 

 but the governor, much to my surprise, sided with me, 

 as i afterward learned, for the manner of my punish- 

 ment, of the treachery of the embyro midshipman, 

 whose father was a superannuated old commodore of the 

 nivy. Years after f met this same young gentleman, 

 then in command of a gunboat, and reminded him over 

 .our after-dinner cigars, of our boyish days and his Sun- 

 day morning bath. 



About this time, when my social standing in the 

 tillage was at very low ebb, I conceived the idea of pay- 

 ing off an old village doctor for sundry old scores. He 

 wan a portly, heavy man, but could run like a deer. He 

 had an oltice m a two-story building with a piazz i in 

 front on the second story ; and. he never seemed to go 

 ltd bed, bur would sit in front of the (ire smoking a long 

 pipe into the small hours, and his boys could never slip 

 ■out late in the evening to have a little lark, such as 

 (Changing. gates, and tying long strings to knockers to 

 ling them furiously at midnight, but what that old 

 doctor would be on the alert, and. give chase. 



One evening in passing quite late f saw him through 

 the window smoking as usual. I had noticed that day 

 that there was a long ladder in the rear reaching to the 

 iroof : it had been left by the carpenters who were mak- 

 ing some repairs. The idea occurred to me that ray 

 .chance had come : so slipping home and up to my room, 

 I took a package containing abjut half a pound of 

 powder I had traded eggs for, a few days before at the 

 village store, and going behind the building crawled up 

 ithe ladder on to the roof and to the chimney, dropped 

 my package down, and made a lively retreat for the 

 ladder. Just as 1 reached it I heard the explosion. 

 Sliding down as rapidly as possible, I struck out, know- 

 ing he would soon be after me, but I thought! could get 

 ; cross the street into my house and to my room before 

 he could get on my track. Rut 1 failed in my calcula- 

 tions, for before I had got half way I saw r him after me. 

 There was just moonlight enough to enable him to keep 

 une in sight, There was a cornfield at hand, extending 

 \iu the bank of the river. I broke for it, and over the 

 jfenoe I went, and none too soon, for he was uncomfort- 

 ably close to my heels. As I ran the rustling of the corn 

 gave him the direction. I thought that if I could make 

 the river bank I could either hide in the willows, or, 



failing in that run down the bank to the bridge and 

 cross or in the darkness flatten myself against the side 

 and let him pass. But as I emerged from the corn he 

 appear* d a little distance down the bank. He had 

 divined my plan and cut me off. There was but one 

 thing to do ; take water, and in I plunged, thinking as it 

 was rather a cool night he would not follow. Vain hope. 

 I heard his heavy splash behind me, and his porpoise- 

 like puffing. But I could beat him swimming, and 

 landed on the opposite hank considerably ahead ; took 

 the road and " streaked it ; " and he after me. Com- 

 ing to a dense thicket that darkened the road I dodged 

 into it, and had the satisfaction to see him pass. There 

 was another bridge half a mile further on, and knowing 

 he could reach the village and my house as quickly or 

 sooner than 1 could by ambling back to the other one, I 

 made for the river batik again and plunged in, awatu 

 over and made a bee-line for home ; crawled in at the 

 kitchen window, shed my clothes, wet l.o the skin, hid 

 them behind the door, tip-toed up to my room, hurriedly 

 put On a dry shirt and hung another suit of clothes over 

 a chair, and set a pair of dry shoes by it, and jumped 

 into bed, I had not been there five minutes before there 

 was a thundering knock at the door ; and the hubbub 

 was repeated until my mother being awakened put her 

 head out of the window and asked who was there, (The 

 governor was absent.) Tbe Doctor answered, and 

 said, " I want to come in." Wondering what could have 

 caused such a request on his part, at such an hour she 

 went down and let him in. The first inquiry was if I 

 was at home. My mother answered, " Certainly." The 

 Doctor was incredulous and wanted to see, explaining 

 that he had been blown up, and he believed I was the 

 culprit. My mother indignantly led the way to my room, 

 where I was sleeping the sleep of innocence and was 

 with difficulty aroused, and much astonished at the 

 spectacle of the old doctor in his dripping habiliments, 

 and my mother in a wrapper. The Doctor eyed me 

 sharply and then proceeded to examine my clothes. Saw 

 they were dry, picked up my shoes and looked at them, 

 then at me and shook his head doubtingly as ray mother 

 said, " Now, Doctor, I hope you are satisfied." He de- 

 parted gloomily, went back to his office, cleaned up the 

 wreck, and went to bed. 



It was lucky for me that he had to stop long enough to 

 grab a broom and hastily sweep the coals and ashes back 

 into the fire place, or the building would have been 

 burned, At the moment of the explosion he was sitting 

 in his favorite position with his feet on the mantel, and 

 was thrown over backward amid the coal and ashes, 

 but fortunately the bottom of the chair protected that 

 portion of his body from damage, but his eyebrows and 

 long whiskers were singed, and his stock of medicine 

 bottles and drugs a wreck. 



Twelve years later I chanced to revisit my native 

 town. I found the old Doctor sitting in front of the fire 

 at the old hotel, tavern as it was called, with his back as 

 usual, at an elevation, smoking his pipe. The evening 

 before I left, after a long chat about old times, the 

 Doctor after a pause said, " I want to ask you one ques- 

 tion." I replied, " Go ahead." " "Was it you that threw 

 that powder down my chimney '? " I had to laugh and 

 confess my crime. The Doctor drew a long sigh, ap- 

 parently of relief, saying, " Now, I can die happy. For 

 twelve years I have had it on my mind. I knew well it 

 was you all the time, for I knew you were the only boy 

 in town that could outrun me, but didn't you play it fine 

 though ? " 



* * * * * * 



The sexton of our church was as disagreeable an old 

 curmudgeon as could be found in the whole county and 

 it was our delight to annoy him. He was toll collector 

 of the bridge, and at nine o'clock the gate was always 

 lowered as a precaution against free crossing after he had 

 retired. Selecting the coldest night, we would hammer 

 on his door and rout him out to raise the gate, but he- 

 fore he came out grumbling and shivering, we were at a 

 safe distance ■ and then, although a deacon in the church 

 as well as sexton, how he would swear. 



On one cold winter night, the evening previous to 

 Christmas, we planned and executed the very laborious 

 feat of turning the church bell bottom up, propping it in 

 the reversed position by sundry sticks of wood : and 

 climbed the ladder to the belfry with buckets of water, 

 knowing that it would freeze solid before morning, and 

 that when the old sexton came to ring it, as customary, 

 it would give forth no responsive sound. We had lugged 

 up nearly a dozen buckets, and were on our way down 

 the ladder for one more round to complete the job, when 

 the supports gave way, and down came the whole con- 

 tents on our heads, giving us a shock and an icy 

 shower bath that we had not calculated on. Fortunately 

 we had wrapped the clapper with a grain sack as our 

 first idea of silencing it : but fearing that that would be 

 removed and the job fail, on second thoughts we had 

 adopted the wat er treatment. We scrambled down a nd 

 stood shivering, holding a consultation. The other two 

 boys were for giving it up. Their ardor was effectually 

 cooled, and despite my indignant protest they wore 

 for sneaking off home. 1 determined that the enterprise 

 should not fail : and after obtaining their help to prop 

 Up the bell again, this time securely, by the aid of the 

 bright moonlight shining in the belfry. Then they went 

 home half frozen, while I, resuming my bucket, began 

 the laborious work of going to the creek back of the 

 church, and lugged nearly a dozen buckets of water up 

 to the bell and pretty nearly tilled it. I did not feel the 

 cold, the. exertion kept up circulation. Having finished 

 my job I scuddled home, only a few doors distant, and 

 cautiously crawling up to my room got on a dry shirt, 

 jumped into bed, and was soon sound asleep. 



The next evening, Christmas Eve, the church was 

 brilliantly lighted and at seven o'clock the old sexton 

 seized tbe rope to ring out the Christmas peal. The first 

 pull on the rope of course disturbed the props and over 

 went the bell weighted with a hundred pounds of ice, 

 with a suddenness that jerked the old sexton nearly to 

 the ceiling. Croat was the wonder that the bell did not 

 riner out its Christmas carol and summons to evening 

 services. People began to arrive Btraggl in gly, curious to 

 know what the trouble was ; was the parson' sick ? What 

 was the matter? Some of the young members secured a 

 lantern and climbed the ladder which was now ice (the 

 capsized water having frozen), making it rather a ticklish 

 business. The reason why that bell would not ring was 

 then discovered, and dire was the punishment promised 

 to the culprits guilty of such a seandalotis trick. Suspi- 



cion would have at once pointed to "me, on general 

 principles, as being the author of all the deviltry going 

 on, but it was universally decided to be the work of full- 

 grown men, as no boys could have turned that heavy bell 

 bottom up and held i t there long enough to get props 

 under its rim. It never occurred to them that we three 

 boys had solved that problem, by hauling down on the 

 rope, and by the leverage reversed it, and then taken a 

 turn on the cleat where the rope was always hung to get 

 it out of the way. Thus secured it was comparatively 

 an easy job to prop it up : our first failure had resulted 

 from our carelessness in not securely fastening the rope 

 to the cleat. 



When it was decided to he the work of men, it was 

 laid to some of the members of the Presbyterian Church 

 at the lower end of the village, between which and our 

 church great rivalry prevailed, and a bitter feud existed 

 characteristic of the. different creeds while all the time 

 preaching peace and good will toward all men— good 

 Christians, but just ready to tear each other's eyes out. 

 It was a great comfort to my good mother to be* able to 

 say : " Well, for once they can't lay this mischief to my 

 son." 



The aforesaid son held his own. counsel and did. a large 

 amount of inward chuckling, knowing it was all safe as 

 the other boys were too scared and afraid of consequences 

 ever to " blab," and to this day that innocent Presbyter- 

 ian Church down the street rests under the odium of 

 such a contemptible manifestation of jealousy of the real 

 and only respectable church, the Episcopal. 



Of course, it will be said by all good people that boys 

 showing Buch traits and want of reverence must neces- 

 sarily come to a bad end, theory requiring it — and for 

 once there is pretty fair grounds for its correctness, for, 

 of the three, one brought up in the penitentiary for 

 crookedness as.cashier of a bank ; another went to Con- 

 gress, and the third, your humble servant, has, as you 

 see, taken to writing for newspapers. Take your choice 

 as to which has fallen lowest. 



Apples and melons, it is my firm conviction, were the 

 (not weak) inventions of the enemy, i. e., his majesty, the 

 devil. Much juvenile demoralization can be traced to 

 the enterprising pursuits of these contributions, or rather 

 temptations, in the path of youth — it being a singular 

 coincidence that the path of youth with much proneness 

 leads through a prolific orchard or melon patch, presum- 

 ably as a short cut to a given point. 



Early apples and enterprising and ambitious melons 

 ripening prematurely were in our boyhood days closely 

 associated with mean and irascible old grangers, and 

 very stub-tailed bulldogs— the governor ever ambitious 

 to tan our jackets, and the latter to do violent damage to 

 the seats of our trousers. In cases of an absence of bull 

 dog, resource was often had to nice little doses of calomel 

 and jalap, cleverly introduced into a watermelon left 

 temptingly exposed to the longing eyes of the small boy. 

 Such cases were often very fetching (it might be spelled 

 with an r), and the village school was not honored with 

 the presence next day of little Johnny and his big 

 brother. A very scrawly note from the mother, more 

 accustomed to» domestic duties than correspondence, 

 generally read : 



Sehoolmarm : You will please to scoose Johnny and 

 Willie to-day as they is took bad and can't come.— Mtcs. 



DOOZENBURY. 



The undersigned was caught but once, and in that in- 

 stance fell heir to a dose probably intended for impartial 

 distribution among a joint concern with several partners 

 in the watermelon line — but in the case in point I was 

 doing business solely on my own hook — realizing all pro- 

 fits personally and shouldering all disasters. The one 

 shouldered in this instance weighed about four pounds, 

 but in effect might have weighed a ton. After partak- 

 ing of that vegetable, or most of it, behind the wood 

 shed, I experienced internal premonitions of an earth- 

 quake, with a vesuvious termination, which premonition 

 was successful to a degree that would have filled the soul 

 of Wiggins with envy. It tilled mine with alarm. The 

 balance of my construction was not tilled again for 

 several days. As they say in stage plays, ''an interval is 

 supposed to have elapsed." One did in my case, during 

 which my absence from school was noted," and wnen the 

 rumor reached the owner of that watermelon he grinned 

 sardonically. 



It was scarcely a week later that my special chum, in- 

 rocently straying through this man'sor chard, with eyes 

 thoughtfully bent upon the ground under an apple tree, 

 was suddenly set upon by the stub-tailed bulldog pre- 

 viously mentioned. Scorning any personal argument 

 with the dog, the boy scaled up into the apple tree, where 

 he was comparatively safe. The owner who had insti- 

 gated the attack from the other side of the fence, gave 

 tbe dog the injunction to '"Watch him, Tige," a pleas- 

 ure Tige seemed greatly to enjoy. Happening along 

 my sell, possibly influenced by a fancy for watching the 

 progress of Pomona's efforts to bring the June apple to a 

 toothsome conoition, i was hailed by my chum. When 

 I looked over the fence the condition of things was ex- 

 plained. I pondered how a rescue could be made. The 

 tree was not over ten feet from the fence, not much 

 ground to cover in the absence of that blear-eyed 

 quadruped, l ut a feat attended with certain risks ag>£he 

 case stood. An idea struck me, and bidding Jim be of 

 good cheer, 1 broke for home and raided the kitchen 

 yard for about twenty feet of clothes-line. Making a 

 slip noose at one end and taking my fishing pole from 

 its rack, I returned to the orchard. A reconnoissance 

 showed that old Brown had gone to his dinner, and. the 

 coast was all clear. I made fast my line to the rod and 

 passed it to Jim. " Now," I said, " Jim, you watch your 

 chance, drop that noose over that dog's head and pull." 

 Evidently that miserable dog had his suspicions, and 

 eyed our preparations very curiously ; and several times 

 successfully dodged the rope, but at/last I attracted his 

 attention and the noose went over his head, followed by 

 a tightening jerk. Jim held on, ending the dog up on 

 his hindlegs, and passing the rope over a limb threw the 

 end down to me, The dog was safe ; he was too busy 

 snorting and trying to breathe to pay any attention to 

 me: moreover, he couldn't if he wanted to. Seizing the 

 rope and pulling on it, up went the dog, and down came 

 Jim, a released and free man or boy. We secured the 

 rope to a limb, scaled the fence, and were off. There 

 was a changed condition of things, and by no means a 

 happy one for the dog. He never troubled us boys after 

 i that ; and that farmer later was inquiring who had a dog 

 to give away, 



