52 



MINISTRY AT STAND. [Chap. III. 



inconsistency ! while dwelling in sin, actually intending to 

 be a minister and lead others to God, while I myself was 

 a castaway. I have despaired. I have lost faith, hope, and 

 love. But, blessed be God, I believe He has converted me. 

 I feel as though I had been redeemed by Christ, and now, 

 in the midst of all my sins and short-comings, I do not 

 despond, but wait and strive for sanctification of spirit. If 

 I have any earnestness in preaching, it is this that gives it 

 me. I long for strength, to speak boldly, as I ought to speak. 

 But the fear of man, the dread of free communion and ex- 

 pression of feeling, and that this should exist between a 

 minister and his people ! 



" How is it that the Units so dread cant as to shut up their 

 best treasure of religious communion in their earthen vessel ? 

 Why do I receive greater joy in attending a missionary meeting, 

 or meeting a few Methodists, or in talking to Mr. Howorth, 

 or Thomas, than my own people ? It is because I am afraid 

 of speaking freely of what is next my heart, and others have 

 the same fear ! Is this right ? No. I am to be instant 

 in season and out of season, knowing that the time is short. 

 The past month has given me greater boldness, and I have 

 made a beginning. I believe God has touched the heart 

 of a wanderer, and he and I hold sweet conversation together ; 

 and I hope this will give me encouragement, and make me 

 not let the worldly and the uncharitable go on to destruction, 

 without the warning of affection. My bowels yearn for my 

 people. I long to spend and be spent for their service ; but 

 not to spend and be spent without doing them service — that 

 were treason. My prayers are short, but they are sometimes 

 very fervent, and my evening walks are times of happy com- 

 munion with God and singing His praise. 



" And what is all this ? A revival ? Yes ! and is it to go 

 down and get dead, dead, dead ? O God, save me from this ; 

 moderate my fervour, if it is to react afterwards. And I do 

 moderate my fervour. When I have been up in heaven, a 

 wicked thought brings me down again, and I ' groan being 

 burdened.' But still Christ can raise me up, and though the 



