52 
Butler—Phases of Witticism. 
Adams had drawn up a petition to the throne, and when his 
daughter said, "This paper will be touched by the hand of 
a king,” he exclaimed, "It is more likely to be spurned by his 
foot!” 
A school boy, about to be flogged because his hand was the 
dirtiest in a school, saved his bacon by showing his other hand 
which was in yet greater need of washing. 
Waste no pity on a bald-headed wit. He will tell you that he 
is better and happier than anybody else, for there is scarce one 
hair ’twixt him and heaven. 
According to the Biglow Papers, "There ain’t no kind of 
quality for candidates, ’tis said, so useful as a wooden leg,—ex¬ 
cept a wooden head.” 
General Pope’s bulletin dated, "Headquarters in the saddle, ’* 
provoked General Lee to say, “Why, his head-quarters are 
where his hind-quarters ought to be. ” 
Historians wonder why Roman conquests, which spread so 
widely east and west, never extended far north. Wits say; Ro¬ 
man noses were too long, and were nipped off by Jack Frost. 
A corpulent wit riding on horse-back through a strange vil¬ 
lage, was told, that while other riders carried their portman¬ 
teaus behind he seemed to carry his before. His answer was 
"At home I also would carry mine behind, but among suspi¬ 
cious characters I think it safer before my face. ” 
Gilbert Stuart, painting a lady who tried to make her mouth 
smaller than nature intended it, bade her not to trouble herself 
for her portrait should have no mouth at all. 
The wide mouth of a French monarch’s sweetheart led a wit 
to say, -"O the blessedness of our king who kisses lips which 
stretch from ear to ear. ” 
Wits hold that cross-eyed men can serve both God and Mam¬ 
mon, for they have an eye on both worlds at once. 
When Solomon said, "Answer a fool according to his folly”, 
wits felt authorized to give back lie for lie. 
A man kicked a puppy that was biting him and when 
the owner insisted that the dog had not bitten him, replied, 
"Nor have I given him a kick!” 
A married pair were boasting that they had never exchanged 
