58 
Butler—Phases of Witticism. 
judge, who was a bishop, “let your innocent hands give me the 
ball. ” 
When a dead pope knocked at the gate of heaven and an¬ 
swered the call who’s there by declaring his office, St. Peter 
said, “You have the key yourself, why trouble me to let you 
in?” The pope answered, “I have the key but it has grown 
rusty, for it is a long time since I have had any occasion to 
use it. ” 
A Greek who was condemned by King Philip in his cups, 
cried out, “I appeal!” “To whom can you appeal?” said the 
autocrat. The answer was, “My appeal is from Philip drunk to 
Philip sober. ” 
When a thief confessed stealing a pig his confessor told him 
that unless he made restitution the pig and his owner would 
rise up against him at the last judgment. “Will the pig be 
there?” asked the sinner. “Certainly,” was the answer, “he will 
there raise against you his loudest squeals.” “Then,” said the 
thief, “I will catch him up and say to his owner, ‘Here’s your 
pig—take him.’ Sooner I cannot restore him for I ate him up 
yesterday. ” 
A negro admirer of the colored congressman Robert Small, 
maintained that he was stronger than Calhoun or any other 
statesman. “But, ” said a by-stander, “ Small is not so strong 
as the Almighty, is he?” The darky was silent a moment, but 
soon said, “ Small is not yet so old as God. ” The wit’s idea 
was, when he is as old who knows how strong he may become? 
A score of convivialists had agreed on a prize for the one of 
them who could tell the biggest lie. Nineteen of them had 
done their best, but the nineteenth whopper outdid all before 
him. The twentieth man took a new departure, and said, “I 
believe all that the last liar has said, and that you all believe 
it too, but I can’t tell a lie.” 
The exhibitor of St. Peter’s skull at Rome was told by a tour¬ 
ist that he had seen St. Peter’s skull in Prance. “No doubt 
you have,” was the answer; “but what you saw was the skull of 
Peter the fisher-boy, twelve years old; you here behold the skull 
of Peter, full-grown and chief of the apostles. ” 
Another sacristan, when he brought out of his reliquai’y the. 
