290 
AMERICAN AGKICULTUKIST. 
[July, 
flog him, replied, “ If you please, sir, I should like to have it 
on the Italian system of penmanship—the heavy strokes up¬ 
ward, and the downward ones light.” 
Kankakee has a justice who beats them all in the way of 
doing up a job of matrimonial splicing with neatness and 
despatch. This is his formula: “Have ’er? ’—“Yes.” 
—“Have ’im ?“ Yes.”—“Married; *2.” 
“ What a beautiful sight 1” exclaimed Mrs. Jones raptur¬ 
ously, as she looked out over the beautiful scenery from a 
Pennsylvania railroad car.—“ Yes,” replied Jones, without 
raising his eyes from his paper, “anthracite.” 
A married man bought a spring chicken in the market 
the other morning, and now he thinks the reason it was 
called spring chicken is because It will take him till next 
spring to carve It, unless he uses nitro-glycerine. 
“ Man,” says Victor Hugo, “ was the conundrum of the 
eighteenth century; woman is the conundrum of the nine¬ 
teenth century.” An American editor adds: “We can’t 
guess her, but will never give her up—no, never! ” 
“ What’s in a name ? ” Ah, William, you didn’t know 
everything, that’s certain. Salt can be bought for a few 
cents a quart, but call it Chloride of Sodium, and the apothe¬ 
cary will charge you half a dollar for one scruple. 
The sporting season has arrived, when the amateur hunter 
goes into the forest and shoots the farmer’s $10 cow, under 
the impression that it is a deer, and afterward pays the 
farmer $25 to settle the matter and keep it quiet. 
The enemies of the Czar of Russia will attempt shooting 
him. blowing him up and stabbing him, and still lie will live 
until some day, when he is fooling with a revolver that isn’t 
loaded, he’ll get the whole top of his head blown off. 
A senior, after vainly trying to explain some scientific 
theory to his fair inamorata, said: “ The question is diffi¬ 
cult, and I don’t see what I can do to make it clearer? 
" Suppose you pop it ? ” whispered the blushing damsel. 
Lives of grocerymen remind us 
They can make their starch half lime, 
And with sugar wholly blind us, 
Putting sand in all the time. 
“ Why, you'd better knock the door down. What do you 
want ? “ Och, my darling! don’t let me wake any of your 
family. I’m just using you knocker to wake the people 
next door. Im locked out, dye see, and they’ve niver a 
knocker.” 
Little Rhode Island is sensible enough to pass a law against 
pigeon shooting.—[iVeto Orleans PicayuneA H’tn, yes. The 
shot used to scatter into other States so badly that Connec¬ 
ticut and Massachusetts chickens were in danger.— [New 
Haven Register .] 
A lecturer was explaining to a little girl how a lobster cast 
his shell when he had outgrown it. Said he, “ What do you 
do when you have outgrown your clothes ? You cast them 
aside, do you not Oh, no,” replied the little one, “we 
let out the tucks.” 
A native of the Green Isle was pressed by the collector of 
a water company for payment of the water rate; to which 
modest request he returned the following answer: “ Sure 
I pay tin shillings a year for wather, and many's the day it’s 
off for a whole wake 1” 
“Is this my train ? ” asked a traveller at the Kansas Pacific 
depot, of a lounger.—" I don’t know, but I guess not,” was 
the doubtful replv. “ I see its got the name of the railroad 
company on the s’lde, and I expect it belongs to them. Have 
you lost a train anywhere ?” 
Mother {at tea-table): “Jack, who helped you to those 
three tarts?”—Jack (age seven): “The Lord.”—Mother: 
“ The Lord? Why, what do you mean, Jack?”—Jack: “Well, 
I helped myself, but father said yesterday that the Lord 
helps those who help themselves.” 
He was a very stubborn little five-year-old boy. The boy's 
mother determined to conquer him, and, having adminis¬ 
tered a severe chastisement, she said: “ Will you mind 
now, Johnny?”—With sobs and cries he replied: “Yes, 
mamma, I will, but I hate to, awfully.” 
We frequently hear a lady exclaim, “Oh, dear! I wish I 
were a man 1” but we do not remember ever hearing a man 
wish himself a woman. No: man never dared allow his 
wishes so soar so high. He is content to admire rather than 
be the thing admired. N. B.—This is not taffy. 
A little girl passing the Washington Statue, lately, asked a 
lady who was with her if Washington was buried there. 
“ No,” said the lady.—“ Where is he buried ? ” said the little 
girl.—“ I don’t know,” said the lady.—“Then 1 guess you 
don’t read your Bible much,” said little innocence. 
A Tennessee man accidentally shot a dog, and in trying to 
explain to the owner how it occurred accidentally shot him. 
A coroner thought be ought to explain how he shot the man, 
but couldn’t get a jury that was willing to listen to the ex¬ 
planation ; they were kind of shy of him, as it were. 
“ Have you any objects of interest in the vicinity » ” the 
tourist asked the Burlington man.—“ I have, I have,” eager¬ 
ly replied the other, “ but I can't get at it to show it to you 
It’s a ninety days' note and its down in the bank now, draw¬ 
ing interest like a horse race or a mustard plaster.” 
“ Papa,” said he, as he was shown some pictm es in a book 
Santa Claus had left him, “ Papa, why does camels have such 
big hunches on their backs ? ” The information received 
not being very satisfactory, he at length solved the difficulty 
himself. “ Why, I know, papa,” said he, “ it’s so’s they’ll be 
camels.” 
Grammar ! — Invalid : I’ve had a wretched night, Mrs. 
Wobbles.—Nurse: Dear, dear me, sir, I thought you slep’ 
most comfortable.—Invalid (with a groan): Oh, Mrs. Wob¬ 
bles, do use the adverb.—Nurse : Yes, sir; I’ll see about it 
directly, si”, but—i puzzled)—I reely don’t think there’s one 
in the ’ouse, sir! 
A little boy being asked by another boy what he was doing 
now, replied. “I am cashier in a clothing store.’—“ You, 
cashier !” said the other in amazement.—" Yes,” said the 
little chap, “that's what the clerks call me. A hundred 
times a day they holler ‘ cashier.’ ” “ Cash! here! ” was 
what the clerks said. 
Tradesman to country customer who has come to com¬ 
plain of the quality of his matches: “Not light? Why, I 
have only to draw them smartly across mv cord breeches, 
and they blaze instantly.”—Customer: “Yes, but what’s 
that to me ? i can’t come a matter of four mile for your 
old breeches every time we wants a light.” 
Pat: “ Well, Dan. and have ye heard the news—have ye 
hea d that Rory the miller’s* dead?”—Dan: “Rory the 
miller is it that's dead now? but ye don’t say so, and he was 
a young man too.”—Pat: “Faith, an’ that's thrue for ye, 
Liar,; he was such a young man, now, that I expected to see 
him at my own funeral instead of me going to liis.” 
What ails him ? ” continued the questioner.—” He has got i 
sore finger sir.”—“ Indeed? ”—“Yes, sir.”—“ Why don’t he 
cut It off, then ? ”—“ Please, sir, he hain’t got any money to 
buy a knife.” 
An original thinker never thinks the things that other 
people think.—Yew Orleans “ Picayune." But when one 
thinks that another is thinking things that no other could 
think, and he thinks he will try to outdo him by thinking 
greater thinks than he thinks the other is thinking, wc 
think he is about as foolish as we are in thinking of this 
thing at all.—Boston “ Advertiser." 
No. 131—Price 65 ets 
Ladies’ knife, like cut, 50c. Pruners, 8-inch when open, 
oil temper and every blade tested, $1.00. Oregon Hunting 
Knife, oil tested blade, $1 00. 
MAHER & GHOSH, Cutlers, Toledo, Ohio. 
Hand-forged. Razor-steel Pocket Cutlery. 
Every blade soft or flawy replaced 
free. We send post-paid, strong l- 
blade, 35c., medium 2-blade, 50c , 
extra strong 2-blade, Best Farm¬ 
er’s Knife made, 75c , or same 
with highest finish, $1, knife like cut, 
but larger and stronger, 75c„ or with 
3-blade, $1. Boys’ 2-blade, 25c. 
Illustrated List of Knives, Razors, and Scissors, free. 
Liberal discount to clubs and dealers. 
gThe Best Double- 
Barreled Shot-Gun 
i in the world for 
Ithemoney. War- 
granted genuine 
___i twist,with flash, 
liett Box Wads, Box Caps and Wad 
Punch. Also our celebrated Kentucky Ritla 
for ■warranted or no sale. Send for Il¬ 
lustrated Catalogue and Price Lists to 
James Bown «& Son. Enterprise Gun Works, 
Established, 1848. 130 & pfttshurffl^Pa. 
New and Revised Edition. 
Tbe Best Boot on Jogs Ever PiibltslieJ. 
A SUPERB VOLUME. 
THE DOGS 
OF GREAT BRITAIN, AMERICA, and 
OTHER COUNTRIES. 
Their Breeding, Training, and Management in Health 
and Disease, comprising all the essential parts of the 
two Standard Works on the Dog by 
STO.VEHEVUH. 
Thereby furnishing what now costs $11.25 for $2.00. 
It describes the best Game and HUNTING GROUNDS IN 
AMERICA. 
Gives names of the Prize Winners in past Dog Shows. 
Contains OVER ONE HUNDRED BEAUTIFUL EN¬ 
GRAVINGS,embracing most noted Dogs in both Continents. 
Making together, WITH CHAPTERS BY AMERICAN 
WRITERS, the MOST COMPLETE DOG BOOK EVER 
PUBLISHED. 
12mo. Tinted Paper. PRICE, POST-PAID, $2.00. 
ORANGE JUDD COMPANY, Publishers, 
245 Broadway, New York. 
“A little folly now and then 
Is relished by the wisest men." 
THE TIM BOTKER PAPERS. 
Or, Yankee Farming. 
FINELY ILLUSTRATED. 
This most interesting and very amusing book gives the 
personal experiences, observations, etc., of “Timothy 
Bunker, Esq., of Hookertown, Conn.” It is full of good 
practical suggestions on Farming, etc., told in a way that 
will make them “ stick.” No other book on American 
farming contains so much entertainment with instruction. 
PRICE, POST-PAID, 81.50. 
ORANGE JUDD CO., 245 Broadway, New York. 
A VALUABLE WORK. 
AMERICAN FISHERIES. 
A HISTORY OF 
THE MENHADEN* 
By G. BROWN GOODE, 
Curator V. S. National Museum; Assistant, U. S. Fish 
Commission; Author of "The Game Fishes of 
North America; ” Special Contributor to 
American Agriculturist. 
WITH AN ACCOUNT OF THE 
AGRICULTURAL USES OF FISH. 
By W. O. ATWATER, 
Professor of Chemistry , Wesleyan University; Specidt 
Contributor to American Agriculturist. 
AND AN INTRODUCTION, BRINGING THE 
SUBJECT DOWN TO DATE. 
WITH THIRTY PLATES. 
PRICE, POST-PAID, $2.00. 
ORANGE JUDD COMPANY, 
245 Broadway, New York. 
PRACTICAL 
TAXIDERMY 
AND 
HOME DECORATION: 
TOGETHER WITH 
General Information for Sportsmen, 
BY 
JOSEPH H. BATTY, 
TAXIDEBMIST FOE TOE HAYDEN EXPEDITION, AND OTHER 
GOVERNMENT SURVEYS, AND MANY OF THE LEADING COL¬ 
LEGES AND MUSEUMS IN THE UNITED STATES. AUTHOR OF 
“HOWTO HUNT AND TRAP,” ETC., ETC 
125 ILLUSTRATIONS. 
PRICE, POST-PAID, §1.50. 
ORANGE JUDD COMPANY, 
245 Broadway, New York. 
