AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
THE SPIDER. 
about some unsettled business, or mentioned 
some event or date which could quite as well 
be learned in the ordinary way, 1 at once 
inquire, what good and sufficient reason was 
there that the infinite wise God should send 
this dead man back to earth ? 
But, says the believer in spiritual commu¬ 
nications, it was the spirit of my father. 
Very well; was your father an idiot ? Would 
he, if permitted, return from the land of the 
blessed, to tell you when your grandmother 
died ? If he was a man of ordinary prudence 
and ingenuity, would he adopt such a clumsy 
method of communicating intelligence to his 
dear son ? Why does he not come directly 
to you ? He can rap as well in your ear, in 
private, as in public. Why does he choose 
a hystericky girl as the “ medium ” of his 
instructions? Did your father love you, 
while he lived ? If so, has he been changed 
by death into a species of buffoon or mis¬ 
chievous elf, whose highest pleasure is to 
amuse the silly crowd by tricks that would 
disgrace a clown ? 
But, perhaps some loftier personage has 
returned. St. Paul, or Penn, or Franklin, 
sometimes return to earth, on very foolish 
errands, if we may credit spiritualists. Has 
St. Paul, after a residence of 1800 years in 
eternity, become no wiser than when he de¬ 
parted to be with Christ ? His recent dis¬ 
courses do not rise one whit above the range 
of knowledge possessed by a chambermaid 
or sickly visionary. Washington and Frank¬ 
lin, too, have lost their self-respect, and herd 
with idlers, knaves, and fanatics. They 
grovel beneath the feet of women, and per¬ 
form feats of rapping and tipping that would 
better suit a circus-rider or ground and lofty 
tumbler. Believe it who may, those who 
stick to the old poet’s rule will be troubled 
by no lying spirits. “ Nec Deus intersit, nisi 
dignus vmdice nodus Incident .”—Let not a 
Deity intervene unless a worthy occasion 
demands. E. D. S. 
“A little humor now and then, 
Is relished by the best of men.” 
A Saw, Sir.—“ I come for the saw, sir.” 
“ What saucer?” 
“ Why the saw, sir, that ye borrowed.” 
“ I borrowed no saucer.” 
“ Sure and ye did, sir ; you borrowed our 
saw, sir.” 
“ Get out, you rascal, I never saw you 
saucer.” 
“ Be dad but ye did ; there's the saw, sir, 
now, sir.” 
“ Oh, you want the saw ! Why didn’t you 
say so.”__ 
There are many who waste and lose af¬ 
fection by careless neglect. “It is not a 
plant to grow unnurtured ; the rude touch 
may destroy its delicate texture forever,” 
the subtile cords of love are chilled and 
snapped assunder by neglect. 
“ Do you see anything ridiculous in this 
wig?” said a brother Judge to Curran. 
“Nothing but the head,” he replied. 
Hens and chickens should neverbe allowed 
to amuse themselves, as it always results in 
fowl play! 
The throat of birds is generally very small, 
but hawks, nevertheless, often take quite 
large swallows. 
A wag observes that he always looks un¬ 
der the marriage head for the noose of the 
weak. 
Why hate and shudder at spiders? Because 
they entangle flies and kill them? That 
should entitle them to our gratitude, for flies, 
being troublesome and injurious to man, any 
other insect that destroys them ought to be 
considered our ally, and taken into friend¬ 
ship. Are they not beautiful? The other 
day we observed one in the field. He was 
larger than a double-eagle and as bright and 
yellow, having colors more striking, indeed, 
because harmoniously variegated. ' 
Few ladies could outvie him in personal 
ornaments, which, in his case, were not of 
recent purchase, but came to him by inheri¬ 
tance in the line of an ancient family. He 
had constructed one of his wonderful pal¬ 
aces of regular dimensions and great size ; 
but, either seeing, as the New-York archi¬ 
tects sometimes fail to do, that its founda¬ 
tions were insecure, or else disliking the 
neighborhood, as nice people do rum-holes, 
blacksmith’s and currier’s shops, French 
boarding-houses and American piggeries— 
for these, or some other good reasons, he 
made up his mind to remove his residence. 
Now, as he had been at immense expense 
in building his capacious house, like the 
Crystal Palace proprietors of New-York, 
and out of his own bowels too, which they 
did not—for speculators and brokers are not 
supposed to have any, purses being a com¬ 
plete substitute—having been at so much 
cost, he did not like to go away and leave 
his domicile behind him. For his stock of 
materials for such struclures is limited, as 
well as the funds of the operators in the 
Fancies. Nature, it is said, only supplies 
the spider family with a certain quantity at 
first, which, if they are extravagant in 
spending it, they will have afterwards to 
make up by knitting, Schuylerizing or steal¬ 
ing—the differance between which methods, 
we cannot tarry to record, and might not be 
able to do so, was ever so much time allowed 
us. In short, our spider resolved as the 
palace proprietors, who may have taken the 
hint from him, are said to have determined 
on—he resolved to take his splendid dwelling 
down. 
So one morning he began in earnest to pull 
down, and, as far as we could judge, at the 
point where he had ended in putting it up ; 
that is, the last timbers he had placed in the 
building were the first to be removed. Pa¬ 
tiently and carefully he worked, taking off 
filament by filament of those long beams and 
braces, which seemed single to the naked 
eye, but yet were doubled and trebled and 
quadrupled to afford sufficient strength for 
so large a work. For this creature, it must 
be observed, has discovered no iron or other 
new material to weave into his productions, 
but is obliged to labor with the same raw 
material as when he spun his web upon the 
grape vines of Mrs. Eve. So if he wants 
augmented strength in any portion of work, 
he can only attain it by putting several tim¬ 
bers together. 
By degrees, we could see, as he wrought, 
the main pillars and string-pieces lessening 
in size, and at length disappearing one by 
one, till finally, the whole habitation was in¬ 
visible. What had become of it ? We kept 
a sharp look-out at this juncture, for it was 
evidently the crisis of the enterprize. At 
last we saw the spider hoist a pack upon his 
back in the shape of a ball, and commence 
his journey. It was his house, which he 
was thus transporting to erect in a more fa¬ 
vorable locality. Like a snail, he was thus 
carrying it upon his back, though, unlike 
that animal, he had the rough stock of 
another in his belly, should this tenement of 
his be destroyed by the hurricane, flood, or 
fire. The beautiful, industrious and provi¬ 
dent creature ran along as nimbly as Alneas, 
91 
with his father, Anchises, on his shoulders, 
though under the burden all of his worldly 
goods. He made for a large tree, where, 
notwithstanding all our vigilance, he forever 
disappeared. We sent after him a sincere 
wish, that he might obtain an eligible lot up¬ 
town, whither he was going, on easy terms. 
—Newark Advertiser. 
ABSURDITIES OF LIFE. 
Not to go to bed when you are sleepy, be¬ 
cause it is not a certain hour. 
To stand in water up to your knees fish¬ 
ing for trout, when you can buy them in a 
clean, dry market. 
Men committing suicide to get rid of a 
short life, and its evils, which must necessa¬ 
rily terminate in a few years, and thus en¬ 
tering upon one which is to last forever, and 
the evils of which they do not seem to take 
the wisest method of avoiding. 
People of exquisite sensibility, who can 
not bear to see an animal put to death, show¬ 
ing the utmost attention to the variety and 
abundance of their tables. 
To buy a horse of a near relation, and be¬ 
lieve every word he says in praise of the an¬ 
imal he is desirous to dispose of. 
To suppose that every one likes to hear 
your child cry, and you talk nonsense to it. 
The perpetual struggle of affectation to 
pass for an oddity. 
To send your son to travel into foreign 
countries, ignorant of the history, constitu¬ 
tion, manners, and language of his own. 
To tell a person from whom you solicit a 
loan of money, that you are in want of it. 
To call a man hospitable who indulges his 
vanity by displaying his service of plate' to 
his rich neighbor frequently, but was never 
known to give a dinner to any one really in 
want of it. 
That any man should despair of success 
in the most foolish undertaking, in a world 
so overstocked with fools. 
A man is in debt to you in a large sum of 
money, and has no means in possession or 
in prospect of paying you—that it may be 
utterly impossible for him to earn it by his 
industry, you immure him in a prison. 
To be passionate in your family , and expect 
them to be placid. 
To think every one a mail of spirit who 
fights a duel. 
To take offense at the address or carriage 
of any man with whose mind and conduct 
we are unacquainted. 
To laugh at the appearance or manners of 
foreigners, to whom we must appear equally 
ridiculous. 
To occupy the attention of a large compa¬ 
ny by the recital of an occurrence interest¬ 
ing to yourself alone. 
Not to wear a great-coat when our joints 
are aching with rheumatism, lest we should 
be thought delicate. 
The three most beautiful words in the 
English language are “ Mother, Home, and 
Heaven.” A young married man says, that 
all the beauty and happiness connected with 
the above three words are associated with 
the single word wife. 
A Rev. gentleman in the course of a lec¬ 
ture delivered upon a certain occasion re¬ 
marked : “ Some persons clasp their hands 
so tight in prayer, at church, that they can’t 
get them open when the contribution box 
comes round.” 
Be just before you are generous. 
