108 
AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
street, and furnish two suits of reception 
rooms in ebony and silver ; preferring (for 
such acquisition) to wait until both are too 
old—almost to be glad the suspense is 
ended. They get the big house, have a 
grand wedding, a great many enemies, a 
few friends, and no children. After two 
sumptuous funerals, and a long lawsuit, 
the property is at length equally divided 
between the “ Timbuctoo Female Moral Re¬ 
form Association,” and the lawyers, who 
contest the will in behalf of a blind cousin, 
■who fights it on the ground of “ insanity,” al¬ 
leging the long courtship of the parties as 
evidence thereof. The cousin being at 
length ruined, the “ Timbuctoo ” directors 
compromise by paying the opposing coun¬ 
sel's fees and costs, and the marble front, 
with all its belongings, is converted into 
cash. Ten years afterward the books oflhe 
sexton, and the stone in the cemetery, are 
the only records of the existence of Mr. 
Count-the-cost and his forgotten bride. 
'Funny world, very.— Worcester Transcript. 
A DROVE OF “IRISH BULLS.” 
The following piece of “ composition ” 
maybe “backed” against any thing ever 
produced. It was written half a century 
ago by Sir Boyle Roche, a member of the 
Irish Parliament,an the “ Troublous Times of 
’Ninety-Eight,” when a handful of men, 
from the County of Wexford, struck terror 
into the hearts of many gallant sonsofMars, 
as well as the worthy writer himself. The 
letter was addressed to a friend in London; 
and it is old enough to be new to nine in ten 
of our readers: 
“ My Dear Sir —Having now a little peace 
and quietness, I sit down to inform you of 
the dreadful bustle and confusion we are all 
in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of 
whom are (thank God !) killed and dispersed. 
We are in a pretty mess ; can get nothing to 
eat, nor any wine to drink, except whiskey ; 
and when we sit down to dinner we are 
obliged to keep both hands armed. While I 
write this, I hold a sword in each hand, and 
a pistol in the other. 
“ I concluded from the beginning that this 
would be the end of it, and I see I was right; 
for it is not half over yet. At present are 
such goings-on, that every thing is at a 
stand-still. I should have answered your 
letter a fortnight ago ; but I did not receive 
it until this morning. Indeed, scarcely a 
mail arrives safe without being robbed. No 
longer ago than yesterday, the coach with the 
mails from Dublin was robbed near this town. 
The bags had been judiciously left behind, 
for fear of accident; and by good luck there 
was nobody in it but two outside passengers, 
who had nothing for the thieves to take. 
Last Thursday notice was given that a gang 
of rebels was advancing here under the 
French standard, but they had no colors, 
nor any drums except bagpipes. 
“ Immediately every man in the place, in¬ 
cluding women and children, ran out to meet 
them. We soon found our force much too 
little; we were too near to think of retreat¬ 
ing. Death was in every face, but to it we 
went, and by the time half our little party 
were killed, we began to be all alive again. 
Fortunately, the rebels had no guns, except 
pistols and pikes, and as we had plenty of 
muskets and ammunition, we put them all to 
the sword. Not a soul of them escaped 
except some that weere drowned in an ad¬ 
jacent bog; and in a very short time, noth¬ 
ing was to be heard but silence. Their uni¬ 
forms were all different colors, but mostly 
green. After the action, we went to rum¬ 
mage a sort of camp, which they had left 
behind them. All we found was a few pikes 
without heads a parcel of empty bottles full 
of water, and a bundle of French commis¬ 
sions filled with Irish names. Troops are 
now stationed all round the country, which 
exactly squares with my ideas. I have only 
time to add that I am in a great haste. 
“P. S.—If you do not receive this, of 
course it must have miscarried, therefore I 
beg you will write to let me know !” 
PRETTY WOMEN AND POLITENESS. 
A talented lady who “ writes for the pa¬ 
pers,” speaks thus of city railway cars : 
“ The seats of the car were all occupied— 
crowded, yet the conductor stopped for me. 
Not wishing to disturb those who were 
seated, I was intending to stand, but a gen¬ 
tleman up at the far end arose and insisted 
upon my taking his seat. Being very tired, 
I thanked him and obeyed. Presently a 
lady, much younger, much prettier, and much 
better dressed than myself, entered the car. 
No less than four gentlemen arose instantly, 
offering her a seat. She smiled sweetly 
and unaffectedly, and thanking the gentle¬ 
man who urged the nearest seat to her she 
seated herself with a peculiar grace of man¬ 
ner. She had one of those faces Raphael 
was always painting—touchingly sweet and 
expressive. A little after this young beauty 
had taken her seat, a poor woman, looking 
very thin arid very pale, with that care-worn, 
haggard look that poverty, and sorrow, and 
hard labor always give, came in. She might 
have been one of those poor seamstresses 
who work like slaves and—starve for their 
labor. She was thinly and meanly clad, and 
seemed weak and exhausted. She had evi¬ 
dently no sixpence to throw away, and came 
in the car not to stand, but to rest while she 
was helped on in her journey. While she 
was meekly standing for the moment, none 
of the gentlemen (l) offering to rise, Raphael’s 
angel, with sweet reproving eyes, looked on 
those who had so officiously offered her a 
seat, and seeing none of them attempt to 
move and just as I myself was rising to 
give the poor old lady a seat, she arose and 
insisted upon the woman taking her seat. 
It was all the work of but a moment; and 
the look of grateful surprize the old woman 
gave her, and the glance of sweet pity the 
beautiful girl bestowed on the woman as 
she yields her seat, and the evident conster¬ 
nation of the broadcloth individuals, who 
were manisfestly put to shame—all were to 
me irresistibly interesting and instructive. 
One of these same broadcloth wearers, ap¬ 
parently overpowered with confusion, got 
up and left the car, and Raphael’s angel took 
his vacant seat.” 
Sold. —Two well known gentlemen of 
Detroit were slightly “done for” on the 
Saturday morning train, coming from Ni¬ 
agara to this city. Having grown weary 
with the ennui of the journey, on their ar¬ 
rival at London they concluded they would 
obtain a pack of cards for their amusement. 
Accordingly a boy was dispatched with a 
three dollar bill to purchase the desired ar¬ 
ticle. The time had nearly arrived for the 
cars to start, but the boy did not make his 
appearance. The gentlemen got uneasy— 
one of them stepped to the platform and 
discovered the roguish youth peeping slyly 
round the corner ot a building. Our friend 
began to smell the rat, and was about to 
leave the train and chastise the roguish 
messenger when the bell sounded—it was 
too late—he whs obliged to content himself 
with a violent shake of his fist at the boy, 
who cooly applied his thumb to his nose, 
and cried out—“ does your mother know 
you’re out.”— Detroit Ad. 
The parent who would train up a child in 
the way he should go, must go the way he 
would train up his child. 
Pericles. —The anecdote is well known 
of the young man in Boston whom Dr. 
Bethune overtook as he was walking to the 
Hall, where he was to lecture on “ The Age 
of Pericles.” One of them said to the other, 
“ Where are you going to-night!” 
“ To the Hall, to hear Dr. Bethune on the 
Age of Pericles.” 
“ Oh hang it, who cares how old Pericles 
is % let’s go to the theatre !” 
But a better one than that was told the 
next day of Smith in Washington street, who 
said to Johnson, confidentially, “I say, John¬ 
son, I say, do you know what perikles is I 
My wife asked me, and I said, ‘ Pshaw, don’t 
you know V The fact is, I don’t. Tell a 
fellow, if you do.” 
Comical. —A gentleman by the name of 
Man, residing near a private mad house, met 
one of its poor inmates, who had broken 
from his keeper. The maniac suddenly 
stopped, and resting upon a large stick ex¬ 
claimed : 
“ Who are you, sir 1” 
The gentleman was rather alarmed, but 
thinking to divert his attention by a pun he 
replied: 
“I am a double man; I am a man by 
name and a man by nature.” 
“ Are you so rejoined the other; “why 
I am a man beside myself—so ive two will 
fight you two.” 
A little boy of six years when undressing 
for bed one night, with Tiis night dress on 
the back of his neck, was heard musing 
aloud as follows : 
“ I can beat Tom Tucker; I can write my 
name in writing ; I can spell Nebuchadnez¬ 
zar; and I can tie a double bow-knot.” 
Another little fellow, of four, wading into 
a mud puddle, after a shower, came across 
an angle-worm, and thus delivered himself, 
in audible reverie : 
“Worms are the snakes’ babies; little 
mices are the rats’ babies; and the stars are 
the moon's babies !" 
The Boston Post, although it takes ground 
against the Nunnery Committee, can not re¬ 
strain its propensity to fun. Copying from 
the Advertiser a quotation concerning the 
committee, U falsus in vno falsus in omnibus," 
(false in one, false in all), it remarks that the 
quotation should be “ falsus in two omni¬ 
busses." 
A speculator who buys largely of the pro¬ 
ducers, remarked 1o us, that the first thing 
he looked for when he went into a man’s 
house to purchase was a newspaper. If he 
saw none, he was sure of a good bargain. 
Remarks. —The lower qualities of Flour 
have advanced 25c. per bbl. ; Corn 4c. to 6c. 
per bushel. 
Cotton an advance of i of a cent per lb. 
in the finer qualities. 
We have the most delightful spring Weath¬ 
er, quite warm, with occasional rain. Veg¬ 
etation never advanced more rapidly than it 
has the past week, although still much later 
than two years ago. The first full blossoms 
we noted of the Apricot appeared on the 23d 
inst. Wheat at the west is uncommonly 
promising, but it has suffered somewhat on 
the Atlantic border, from the ground being so 
| bare, and cold winds so prevalent during 
