AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
203 
unembittered by the slander’s biting tongue, 
heed the ill your words may bring upon a 
mother, sister or wife, of some fellow crea¬ 
ture. 
How to Identify a Draft. —Barney Smith, 
a well-to-do Irishman at Chicago, Illinois, 
wished to return to swate Ireland, and take 
back his pile of $3,000 by draft. The only 
difficulty was how to establish his identity 
at the bank in Ireland. The difficulty was 
overcome by taking daguerreotypes of Bar¬ 
ney and his banker on one plate, and on a 
half sheet of paper, pinned on the banker’s 
coat, was written in a bold hand, “ The like¬ 
ness on my left represents Barney Smith, of 
this city, now about to leave for Dublin, Ire¬ 
land. R K. Swift, banker.” The Provincial 
Bank of Ireland are advised of the means by 
which they are to determine Barney’s per¬ 
sonal identity, and of course, when he pre¬ 
sents himself at the bank with Col. Swift 
and his well-known sign manual, with his 
own phiz painted on the same plate by the 
sunbeams, there will be no hesi’ ation about 
paying the draft. 
THE DRUNKARD’S WIFE. 
Weary and sad I am sitting alone, 
With a dying babe at a cold hearthstono ; 
And list to the sound of the drifting snow ! 
Oh, how unlike to long ago ! 
The way to win a Simple Woman’s Love. 
—Let your hair hang in superfluous ringlets 
over your neck and shoulders ; never suffer 
a razor to touch your face ; squeeze your¬ 
self into a coat of mulberry cloth ; put on a 
vest striped with green, yellow and red ; 
pants checked with blue, crimson purple ; 
shove your feet into a pair of boots with the 
heels at least three inches high ; dangle a 
little black cane tipped with brass; a huge 
brass ring upon your little finger, and you 
will be the lion of the day, and win the heart 
of any simple flirt you meet with. 
A Wag in New-York, standing at the cor¬ 
ner of Oliver and Cherry streets, opposite to 
one of the “ Catskill ice ” carts, drew a piece 
of chalk from his pocket and marked M be¬ 
fore the word “ ice,” which of course made 
it read," Cats kill mice.” 
Marking Geese. —A woman in Buffalo ac¬ 
cused a neighbor of stealing her geese. She 
said she could swear to them, having put her 
mark on their feet, to prevent them from 
wandering to the canal for a swim. The 
geese were brought into court and her mark 
was proved to be—placing their feet on a 
brick and then jaming them with another 
brick until the poor birds could not walk. 
She called this, her mark, and rather boasted 
that the geese felt no inclination to stray 
away, after she had put it on them! The 
Buffalo items man hopes that one day the 
cow-catcher will overtake her on the rail¬ 
road and put a mark on her without any 
charge. 
Adversity exasperates fools, dejects cow¬ 
ards, draws out the faculties of the wise and 
ingenious, puts the modest to the necessity 
of trying their skill, awes the opulent, and 
makes the idle industrious. Much may be 
said in favor of adversity; but the worst of 
it is, it has no friends. 
Instead of saying things to make people 
stare and wonder, say what will withhold 
them hereafter from wondering and staring. 
This is philosophy ; to make remote things 
tangible, common things extensively com¬ 
mon, and to leave the least necessary for 
the last. 
A Western writer thinks that if the proper 
way of spelling tho is though , and ate eight , 
and bo beaux , the proper way of spelling po¬ 
tatoes is poughteighteaux. The new spelling 
for softly is psoughtleigli. 
Certainly in the day of Judgement we 
shall not be asked what we have read, but 
what we have done —not whether we have 
talked well, but whether we have lived well. 
A Parody. —A little thieving is a dangerous 
part, but thieving largely is a noble art. ’Tis 
vile to rob a hen-roost of a hen. But Schuy- 
lerising makes us gentlemen. 
Dr. Charles Wilson, has written a volume 
of some hundreds of pages to explain the 
patho\ogy of drunkenness. We could define 
it in two syllables— zig-zag. 
What reason may be assigned for the 
three balls over a pawnbroker’s door 1 ? Be¬ 
cause if anything goes into it, it’s two to one 
it doesn’t come out again. 
When an extravagant friend wishes to 
borrow your money, consider which of the 
two you would rather lose. 
The idle are sorely put to it for means to 
kill Time, while Time very quietly proceeds 
to kill them. 
Why is it dangerous to walk in the woods 
in early spring ? Because the trees are 
shooting. 
A bachelor, at a recent celebration, offered 
the following gallant toast: “ Ladies—sweet- 
briers in the garden of life.” 
There is no music like the voice of a hap¬ 
py cl ild, and no beauty like that in the face 
of an intelligent one. 
A Sharp Idea. —Sooner than marry a 
woman.of fifty, I’d take two at five-and- 
twenty. 
The storm spares the reed, and breaks the 
cedar. 
“ I say, Pat, isn’t one man as good as 
another 1” “Ofcoorse he is, and a great Money is like a hedgehog—very difficult 
dale better !” to hold. 
$rrajb$00k. 
“A little humor now and then, 
Is relished by the best of men.” 
An American Marshal in Paris. —Among 
the Americans who attended the late ball 
given at the Hotel de Ville, Paris, was Jack 
Spicer, of Kentucky. JacK rushed the dress 
somewhat strong and wore epauletts on his 
shoulders large enough to start four Major 
Generals in business. Jack was observed of 
all other observers, and got mixed up with a 
party that his friends could not account for. 
Wherever the Marshals of France went there 
went Jack ; and when the Marshals sat down, 
Jack did the same, always taking the post of 
honor. The day after the ball Jack called 
on his old acquaintance, Mr. Mason, our 
Minister to France, who started up a little 
conversation in the following manner : 
“ 1 hear Jack that you was at the ball last 
night.” 
“ I was, sir, and had a high old time.” 
“For which you are indebted, I suppose, 
to the high old company you got mixed up 
with 1 By the way, how came you associ¬ 
ated with the Marshals!” 
“How! by virtue of my office—they were 
marshals of France, while I am nothing else 
than a Marshal of the Republic, I showed my 
commission and took post accordingly.” 
“ By right of your office; what do you 
mean ?” 
“ Read that and see.” 
Here Jack presented Mr. Mason with a 
whitey brown paper, with a seal big enough 
for a four pound weight.” 
“What in the name of Heaven is this?” 
“ My commission of Marshal ”—I received 
it in 1850, when I assisted in taking the 
census in Frankfort. 
“ You don’t mean to say that you travel on 
this?” 
“ I don’t mean anything else. That made 
me a Marshal of the Republic, and I intend 
to have the office duly honored.” 
Mr. Mason thought that Jack was doing a 
large business on a very small capital. We 
should not wonder if the reader did the same. 
A census marshal of Frankfort mixing in 
with the Marshals of France, is certainly 
rushing matters in a manner that requires as 
much brass as epauletts. Jack, we are hap¬ 
py to say, is equal to the requirements. 
Those gilded dreams have passed away 
That filled mv heart on its marriage day, 
And the trembling tear-drops’ silent flow 
Are the tribute pearls of long ago. 
Oh, the hidden power of the sparkling wine 
Can banish love from its holiest shrine, 
And place in its stead a wreath of wo 
In the faded hopes of long ago. 
The crowning joy of a woman’s life 
Is breathed in the blissful name of wife ; 
And the deepest pang that her heart can know 
Is the blighted love of long ago. 
Wilmington Statesman. 
The Summer Song. —We take the follow¬ 
ing beautiful and seasonable hymn from an 
ancient writer: “ Thou makest, O Lord, the 
outgoing of the morning and evening to re¬ 
joice. Thou visitest the earth and waterest 
it; thou greatly enrichest it with the river 
of God which is full of water ; thou prepar- 
est them corn when thou hast so provided 
for it. Thou waterest the ridges thereof 
abundantly ; thon settlestthe furrows there¬ 
of ; thou makest it soft with showers, thou 
blessest the springing thereof. Thou crown- 
est the year with thy goodness and thy 
paths drop fatness. The drop upon the pas¬ 
tures of the wilderness; and the little hills 
rejoice on every side. The pastures are 
clothed with flocks ; the valleys also are 
covered with corn ; they shout for joy, they 
also sing. 
The Heart Goes to School. —Think not 
that your work is done and your contract 
fulfilled when you have made your pupils 
expert arithmeticians and skillful gramma¬ 
rians ; the heart has come to school to you as 
well as the head, and takes lessons as regu¬ 
lar, and often far more imposing and abiding 
than those you assign to the intellect. You 
yourself feel the conviction daily stealing 
over you. 
Why is it that you almost involuntarily 
suppress the careless jest, the look of levity, 
or the scurrility, you, alas, may elsewhere 
indulge in, and put on the air, at least, of 
candor and virtue in the presence of those 
little children ? Is it not that you feel that 
eyes bright with faith and affection are scan¬ 
ning every moment your actions, and imita¬ 
tive and impressible hearts are continually 
drinking in the manifestations of your mind 
and spirit; that your breath, if laden with 
profanity, would stain their souls with quick 
and indellible pollution. 
