AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
The third mode of repair is well under¬ 
stood and practised by our continental neigh¬ 
bors, though rarely in this country. The 
stocking stitch is neither more difficult nor 
tedious than the darn, yet how many pairs 
of stockings are lost for want of knowing it 
when a hole happens to be above-shoe? 
Practice in lace stitches is more desirable, 
particularly for repairing lace of the more 
costly descriptions. The deficiency of a 
single loop, when lace is sent to be washed, 
often becomes a large hole during the ope¬ 
ration, and thus the beauty of the lace is 
destroyed. Indeed, lace when duly mended, 
on the appearance of even the smallest 
crack, may, with little trouble, be made to 
last twice or thrice the usual term of its du¬ 
ration. So the shaAvl stitch is never taught 
in this country, though, by employing it with 
ravelings from the shawl itself, the most 
costly cashmere can be repaired without a 
possibility of discovering the inserted part. 
Proficiency in such useful works might 
well merit as much approbation as is now 
bestowed upon crotchet or other fancy 
works, and might be considered as equally 
desirable qualifications in a tradesman’s gov¬ 
erness, as music. In populous places it 
might well answer to establish schools 
where the art of mending apparel should be 
the chief object of instruction; a month ox- 
two spent in it might be sufficient for the 
damsel, already a good plain needle-worker. 
It must further be observed, that without a 
practical knowledge of needle-work, no 
young lady can judge whether her servant 
has or has not done a i-easonable quantity of 
it in a given time ; and if this be true as to 
the plain seam, it is still more essential in 
regard to mending of all kinds. 
“A little humor now and then, 
Is relished by the best of men.” 
A VENTKILOQUIST ON. THE DOCK. 
Quite an excitement occurred at one of 
the southern steamboat wharves, a short 
time since. 
The hands on one of our steamers were 
engaged in rolling off a cask, when, to the 
consternation and surprise of the persons 
engaged in that operation, a voice was heard 
within the cask. 
“ Roll it easy—Oh ! these darned nails 
hurt; I’d rather pay my passage than stand 
all this.” 
Holding up their hands, their visuals ex¬ 
panded to the size of saucers, the two labor¬ 
ers exclaimed— 
“ That beats the d—.” 
The mate coming up at this moment, and 
entirely unaware of the cause of delay, com¬ 
menced cursing the affrighted fellows for 
dilatoriness, when from within the voice 
again came forth— 
“ You’re nobody ; let me out of this con¬ 
founded cask.” 
“What’s that?” said the mate. 
“Why it’s me !” said the voice ; “ I want 
to get out of here—I wont stand this any 
longer!” 
“ Up-end the cask,” said the mate. 
“ Oh don’t—you’ll kill me !” said the voice. 
“ These nails prick me. Look out! dontV' 
again cried the casked up individual, as the 
men were turning it over. 
“ Cooper,” said the mate, “ unhead this 
cask, and take out that man.” 
As the adz sundered the hoop, and the 
head was coming out, the voice again broke 
forth— 
“ Be easy, now, do !—I don’t want to be 
caught.” 
Quite a crowd had now gathered around 
283 
the “ scene of action,” when, to the utter 
astonishment of the bystanders, a loud, gut- 
tural laugh broke forth, which made our hair 
stand on end, and the cask was filled with 
bacon! 
“ What does it mean ?” says one. 
“ I swear it beats my time,” said the mate, 
severely scratching his head. 
We enjoyed the joke too well to “ blow,” 
as we walked on arm-in-arm with the “ Fa¬ 
kir of Ava,” the renowned ventriloquist and 
magician.— Ex. 
THE SYMPATHIZING WOMAN. 
Ik we were called upon to describe Mrs. 
Dobbs, we should, without hestitation, call 
her a sympathizing Avoman. Nobody Avas 
troubled Avith any malady she hadn’t suffered. 
“ She kneAV all about it by experience, and 
could sympathize Avith them from the bot¬ 
tom of her heax-t.” 
Bob Turner Avas a Avag, and Avhen one day 
he saAv Mrs. Dobbs coming along the road 
toward his house, he kneAv that, in the ab¬ 
sence of his wife, he should be called upon 
to entertain her, so he resolved to play a 
little on the good xvoman’s abundant store of 
sympathy. 
Hastily procuring a lai'ge blanket, lie rolled 
himself up in it, and threxv himself on a sofa 
near by. 
“ Why, good gracious. Mr. Turner, are 
you sick ?” asked Mrs. Dobbs, as she suav 
his position. 
“ Oh, di-eadfully !” groaned the imaginary 
invalid. 
“ What’s the matter?” 
“ Oh, a great many things. First and 
foremost I have got a congestion of the 
brain.” 
“ That’s dreadful,” sighed Mrs. Dobbs. “I 
came pretty near dying of it ten years come 
next spi-ing. What else ?” 
“ Di-opsy,” again groned Bob. 
“ There I can truly sympathize Avith you. 
I Avas badly troubled Avith it, but finally got 
over it.” 
“ Neuralgia,” continued Bob. 
“ Nobody can tell, Mr. Turnei-, Avliat I’ve 
suffered from neuralgia. It’s an aAvful com¬ 
plaint.” 
“ Then again, I’m very much distressed by 
inflammation of the boAvels.” 
“ If you’ve got that, I pity you,” com- 
mexxted" Mrs. D.; “ for three years steady I 
Avas afflicted with it, and I don’t think I've 
fully recovered yet.” 
“Rheumatism,” added Bob. 
“ Yes, that’s pretty likely to go along Avith 
neuralgia. It did with me.” 
“ Toothache,” suggested Bob. 
“ There have been times, Mr. Turner,” 
said the sympathizing woman, “ when I tho’t. 
I should have gone distracted Avith the tooth¬ 
ache.” 
“Then,” said Bob, avIio having temporari¬ 
ly ran out of his stock of medical terms, re¬ 
sorted to a scientific name, “ I’m very much 
afraid I’ve got the tethyasaurus.” 
“ I shouldn't be at all surprised,” said the 
ever-ready Mrs. Dobbs ; “ 1 had it when I 
Avas young.” 
Though it was Avith the utmost difficulty 
that he could resist laughing, Bob contin¬ 
ued : “ I’m suffering a great deal from a 
spi-ained ankle.” 
“ Then you can sympathize Avith me, Mr. 
Turner. I sprained mine Avhen I Avas com¬ 
ing along.” 
“ But that isn’t the vvoi-st of it.” 
“ What is it ?” asked Mrs. Dobbs, Avith cu¬ 
riosity. 
“ I wouldn’t tell any one but you, Mrs. 
Dobbs, but the fact is ”—here Bob groaned 
—“ I’m afraid, and the doctor agrees with 
me, that my reason is affected—that, in short, 
I’m a little crazy !” 
Bob took breath, and wondered Avhat Mrs. 
Dobbs avouI d say to that. 
., “PS’ Mr 'T" rn , er ’ isu Possible!”exclaimed 
the lady It s horrible ! I knoAv it is ! I 
frequently have spells of being out of mv 
head myselt!” y 
Bob could stand it no longer ; he burst 
into a roar of laughter, which Mrs. Dobbs 
taking for the precursor of a violent parox¬ 
ysm of insanity, she was led to take a hur¬ 
ried leave. 
Brains. Gov. Trumbull, of Connecticut 
on the occasion of a grand riot, ascended a 
block, and attempted by a speech to quiet 
the people ; Avhen a random missile hittinu 
him in the head, felled him to the ground 
He was badly hurt; and as his friends were 
carrying him into his house, his Avife met 
him at the door and exclaimed : 
“Why my husband, they have knocked 
your brains out!” 
“ No they haven’t,” said the Governor • 
“ if I’d had any brains I shouldn’t have gone 
there.” & 
An Urchin in a Bad Fix.— Little boys 
Avhen they come late to school, have to bring 
a written excuse explaining the cause of 
tlieii tardiness. Some days since an urchin, 
in a city school, came extremely late, but 
without the least fear or anxiety depicted on 
his countenance. He had a ’scuse. On 
handing it to the teacher it Avas opened, and 
read thus : “ Missus— -Whale the heater tor 
running away.” The model ’scuse was ac¬ 
cepted, and the little felloxv Avas accordingly 
admonished in the region of his “sit-down- 
upons.” 
Steam.— At a railway station, an old lady 
said to a very pompous looking gentleman 
who Avas talking about steam communica¬ 
tion, “ Pray, sir, Avhat is steam ?” 
“Steam, ma’am, is, ah!—steam is, ah !— 
steam is—steam!” 
“ I knew that chap couldn’t tell ye,” said 
a roough-looking felloAv, standing by, “ but 
steam is a bucket of Avater in a tremdous 
perspiration.” 
Suggestive.— One day a little girl, about 
five years old, heard a preacher of the Chad- 
dand order praying most lustily, till the roof 
rang with the strength of his supplication. 
Turning to her mother, and beckoning the 
maternal ear down to.speaking distance, she 
Avhispered, “ Mother, don’t you think that if 
he lived nearer to God he wouldn’t have to 
talk so loud?” 
Patience. —“ You can do any thing if you 
Avill have patience,” says our old fogy uncle, 
Avho made his fortune by being planted in 
the old tOAvn when corner lots were Avorth 
only ten dollars an acre, and Avaited till he 
Avoke up one morning to find them worth 
$300 a foot. 
“ Water may be carried in a sieve if you 
can only Avait.” 
“ Hoav long ?” queries impudent and im¬ 
patient Young America, avIio can hardly Avail 
for his bi-ead or the old man’s obituary. 
“ Till it freezes /” 
Recipe for Matrimonial Happiness. —Pre¬ 
serve the privacies of your house, marriage 
state, heart, from father, mother, sistei - , 
brother, aunt, and all the Avorld. You two 
with God’s help, build your OAvn quiet Avorld ; 
every third or fourth one Avhom you draxv 
into it with you will form a party, and stand 
between you two. That sliould never be. 
Promise this to each othei\ ReneAV the 
vow at each tempation. You will find your 
account in it. Your souls will groxv, as it 
Avere together, and at last they will become 
