170 
AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
“A little humor now and then, 
Is relished by the best of men.” 
ON A WIFE’S DAGUERREOTYPE. 
No sunbeam gliding o’er the earth, 
E’er played a kinder part; 
It stayed awhile 
To catch thy smile— 
When it was won. 
Stole lightly on, 
And touched thy husband’s heart 
“ S’CAT.’’ 
The editor of the Albany (N.Y.) State Re¬ 
gister thus discourseth upon the subject of 
cats and caterwauling : 
Our landlord is the owner of a block of 
twelve hduses—six on Pearl street and six 
on Broadway—the lots meeting midway be¬ 
tween the two streets. On the rear of these 
lots are the out-houses, all under a continu¬ 
ous roof, some twelve feet high, twenty 
wide, and say a hundred and forty long. In 
the rear of the Broadway dwelling-houses 
are one-story tea-rooms, or third parlors, the 
roofs of which you can step on from the 
windows of the second stories of the houses. 
Well, what of all that ? asks the reader. 
There’s a great deal of it. We don't pre¬ 
tend to know how many cats there are in the 
city of Albany—indeed, we never heard that 
they were included in the census. We do 
not pretend to say that all congregate on the 
roofs of those out-houses nightly, but if 
there’s a cat in the Sixth Ward that don’t 
have something to say on that roof every 
night, we should like to know who owns it. 
We are against cats. We regard them as 
treacherous and ungrateful animals—as hav¬ 
ing but small moral developments. We are 
against eaf-erwauling generally, and espe¬ 
cially in the night season, when honest people 
should be in bed and asleep. We don’t like 
to be awakened by their growling and crying, 
and the hundred of other nameless noises by 
which they frighten sleep from our pillow. 
We give the owners of the cats that hold 
their conventions on the roofs of our land¬ 
lord’s out-houses notice that we’ve a double 
barreled-gun, powder, shot, and percussion 
caps. We’ve got a bundle of clubs and a 
basket of brick-bats, and if any cat fails to 
appear at the usual time in the morning, the 
best place to look for it, in our judgment, is 
on that roof. 
Last night—it may have been 1 o’clock, or 
2, or 3—we were awakened by the awfulest 
screaming and sputtering, and growling, that 
ever startled aweary man from his slumbers. 
We leaped out of bed under the impression 
that at least twenty children had fallen into 
as many tubs of boiling water. We threw 
open the window and stepped out upon the 
tea-room ; we do not intend to exaggerate, 
but we honestly believe that we saw not less 
than three hundred cats over against us on 
the roof of the out-houses, each one of which 
had a tail bigger than a Bologna sausage, his 
back crooked up like an ox-bow, and his 
great round eyes gleaming fiercely in the 
way of caterwauling. Two of the largest— 
one black as night, the other a gray or brin- 
dle—seemed to be particularly in earnest, 
and the way they scolded and screamed and 
swore at each other was a sin to hear. We 
can not undertake to report all they said. A 
decent regard for the proprieties of language 
compels us to give only a sketch of the de¬ 
bate : 
. “You miserable, big-tailed, hump-backed, 
ugly-mugged thief,” screamed the gray. “ I’d 
ike to know what you’re out here for this 
lime of night, skulking and creeping, and 
noising about in the dark, poaching upon 
other people’s preserves.” 
“ Very well! mighty well!” was the reply, 
“for you to talk,you black-skinned,ogre-eyed, 
growling and sputtering robber, to come upon 
this roof sticking up your back and taking 
airs upon yourself. I’d like to know what 
business you’ve got to be prowling around 
and crowding yourself into honest peoples’ 
company.” 
“ I’m a regular Tom cat, I’d have you 
know, and I go where 1 please, and I’ll stand 
none of your big talk and insolent looks.” 
“Insolent ! Hear the cowardly thief?— 
Insolent! Very well, Mr. Tom cat, very 
good indeed! Now just take your black skin 
off of this floor, or you’ll get what’ll make 
you look cross-eyed for a month.” 
“ Get off this roof I think you said. Look 
at this set of ivory and these claws, old gray- 
back ! If you want I should leave this roof, 
just come 4 and put me off. Try it on, old 
beeswax! Yes! yes! try it on once, and 
we will see whose eyes will look straightest 
in the morning. Come on, old hump-back ! 
old sausage-tail!” 
And then they pitched m, and such 
scratching, and growling and biting, and 
rolling over and over, we never happened to 
see or hear before. About that time we 
dropped a brickbat (accidentally of course) 
weighing about a pound, right among them. 
Whether it hit any one avc can't positively 
affirm; but Ave heard a dull, heavy sound of 
chug , as if it had struck something soft, and 
the scream of one of the belligerents Avas 
brought to a sudden stop by a kind of hys¬ 
terical jerk as though there had been an un¬ 
expected lack of wind to carry it on. It put 
an end to the disturbance, and all the rioters, 
save one, scampered aAvay. That one re¬ 
mained all doubled up in a little heap, like as 
if it had the sick head-ache or inflammation 
ofthe boAvels. If anybody’s cat is found this 
morning Avith a swelled head, or a great 
bunch on its side and seems dumpish, it’s 
our opinion that that’s the one that brickbat 
fell upon last night. 
FORESEEN FUN. 
The New-Orleans Picayune says : “ We 
have heard in our day of legal quibbles, but if 
a Philadelphia laAvyer can beat the following, 
lately argued to a Jury in this city, he can 
take our hat, aye, and our corduroys. The 
prisoner is on trial for entering a house in the 
night-time, Avith intent to steal. The testi¬ 
mony was clear that he had made an open¬ 
ing sufficiently large to admit the upper part 
of his body, and through which he protruded 
himself about half wav, and stretching out 
his arm committed the theft. Mr. Obfusti- 
cate Brief addresses the Jury. “What an 
outrage,” (looking horrified, and with out¬ 
stretched and trembling arms,) “ I repeat, 
what an outrage upon your intelligence and 
your common sense is it for the State’s At¬ 
torney to ask at your hands the conviction of 
my client on such testimony! The laAv is 
against entering a house—and can a man be 
said to enter a house Avhen only one-lialf of 
his body is in and the other half out! Gen¬ 
tlemen, look to the Divine Law on this point. 
God commanded Adam and Eve not to eat 
the apple— i. e. the Avhole of the apple. And 
all the commentators agree that if they had 
only eaten one-half, they Avould not have 
been expelled from the blooming garden of 
Eden.” The Jury brought in a verdict of 
“ guilty” as to one-half of his body from the 
waist up, and “ not guilty ” as to the other 
half. The Judge sentenced the guilty half 
to one year’s imprisonment, leaving it to the 
prisoner’s option to have the innocent half 
cut off, or take it along with him.” 
Costly apparel—a lavv suit. 
A CURE FOR COQUETRY. 
Kate Sheldon Avas a buxoin country lass, 
fair, stout, and rosy. With all these attrac¬ 
tions it may be imagined that she Avas the 
belle of the village, the object of admiration 
of a dozen or more rustic SAvains. Of course 
Kate Avas conscious of her poAver—it did not 
take her long to learn that—and coquetry 
came by intuition. Among her admirers 
Avas one—William Barclay—to Avhom Kate 
secretly gave the preference. But she was 
not going to yield her consent at. once—not 
at all. So in the true spirit of coquetry, she 
Avould noAv vouchsafe a smile Avhich set his 
heart to beating faster, and anon put on a 
look of coldness Avhich filled him Avith de¬ 
spair. William got heartily tired of this 
treatment and determined to bring matters 
to a conclusion. 
“ Now Kate,” said he, as they sat together 
one summer afternoon in the kitchen, Avhere 
Kate Avas engaged in the interesting employ 
of paring apples for a pudding to be served 
up the next day. “ Kate, why can’t you tell 
me at once whether you like me or not, and 
A\ r hether you will marry me ?” “ Good gra¬ 
cious ! how should 1 knoAV ? I never thought 
of the subject.” “ Well, at any rate, you 
can tell Avhether there is anybody you like 
better.” “ Let me think—Avell may be so, 
and may be not. I couldn’t precisely say. 
What do apples fetch a bushel?” “ 0, con¬ 
found it, Avhy can’t you ansAver my ques¬ 
tion?” “Because you haven’t ansAvered 
mine.” “ Well, two dollars. Now—’’“Have 
you got the brindled cow you used to have 
last spring ?” “ Yes, but—” “ Is she good 
for milk as she used to be ?” “ Yes.” “Hoav 
Avarm it is. Do you like apple pudding ?” 
“Yes, but I like you better, and I can’t live 
Avithout you. That’s the long and short of 
it, so if you Avon’t marry me just say so and 
I’ll go and jump into the well, at once. 
There won’t be any use in living.” “ Don’t 
talk so foolishly.” “ But I mean it. I’ll 
wait five minutes, and if you don’t say yes 
in that time, I will jump into the well, and 
you will have the satisfaction of knowing 
that I died for you.” 
Kate did not believe this in the least, so 
she continued to tease him. At the end of 
the time mentioned, William rose Avith a 
sigh and saying “ FareAvell, forever,” hurried 
out. Arrived at the brink of the Avell, he 
pushed in a heavy log Avhich lay beside it. 
Kate heard the splash, and rushed out to the 
Avell. William was no where to be seen. 
“ 0, William,” said she wildly, the Avoman 
triumphing over the coquette, “come to me 
once more and I will marry you, indeed, I 
will.” 
On hearing these vvords, William stepped 
forward from behind the house where he had 
stationed himself, and claimed the fulfilment 
of the promise. Kate objected that it Avas 
obtained on false pretence, but finally con¬ 
sented to ratify it. 
Moral: Lovers who are on the point of 
sacrificing themselves on the altar of affec¬ 
tion, are requested to consider ^vhether a 
log of Avood would not prove a more agree¬ 
able and equally efficacious substitute. 
Annoying. —Is it lawful to keep a dog which 
barks, hOAvls and yells all night long ? And 
if laAvful, is it humane, is it Christian, is it 
neighborly? We don’t mind a perpetual 
bark, at the rate of a hundred and twenty re¬ 
ports per minute, up to say three o’clock in 
the morning, but after that time it very disa¬ 
greeably disturbs the melodious hum of the 
musketoes, and is apt slightly to interfere 
Avith one’s rest. They say that every dog 
must have his day; but those in our neigh¬ 
borhood seem determined to have the night 
also. 
