284 
AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
SAM SLICK’S WISE SAWS. 
Hope is a pleasant companion, but an un¬ 
safe friend. He’ll do for a traveling com¬ 
panion on a pinch, but he is not the man for 
your banker. 
It's no use talkin’. When you are down, 
poverty, like snow-shoes, keeps your feet fast, 
and prevents your rising. A man can’t 
hope agin’ hope. 
When grasshopers are so plenty as to 
make the pasture poor, gobblers grow fat. 
Hard times is what you thrive in ; when the 
ponds dry up, the pokes get the pollywogs. 
Take your daily bread and be thankful; 
but don’t pray to the Lord to lay up for you 
the loaves for years to come, to make you 
rich. Many a man has died about the time 
his great baking of bread came out of his 
oven. 
A woman who wants a charitable heart, 
wants a pure mind. The measure of a fe¬ 
male’s judgment must be her own feelings ; 
and if she judge harshly, her feelings are not 
delicate. Her experience is her own, and if 
that is adverse, it ought at least to impose si¬ 
lence. Innocence is not suspicious, but 
guilt is always ready to turn informer. 
Thinks I to myself, a man may be a presi¬ 
dent, and no great shakes either, for, after all, 
he is only the lead horse of a team. He has 
got the go in him, and that’s all; but he 
can’t hold back, Avhicli is a great matter, 
both in statesmen and horses. For if he 
slacks up, he is rid over by those behind 
him, and gets his neck broke—he must go or 
die. 
Work ; earn your own pork, and see how 
sweet it will be. Work, and see how well 
you will be. Work, and see how independ¬ 
ent you will be. Work, and see how happy 
your family will be. Work, and see how 
religious you will be ; for, before you know 
where you are, instead of repining at Provi¬ 
dence, you will find yourself offering up 
thanks for all the numerous blessings you 
enjoy. 
DIDN’T FIND OUT. 
“ Can you direct me to the-Hotel V 
inquired a gentleman with a carpet bag, of a 
burly Hibernian, standing on the steps of the 
Railroad station. 
“ Faith,” was the reply, “ it’s just I that 
can do that same. You see you jist go up 
this strate till you come to Thaddy O'Mulli- 
gan’s shop. Then— 
“ But I don’t know where Thaddy O’Mulli- 
gan’s shop, as you call it, is.” 
“ Thrue for you—why didn’t I think of 
that, sure. Well, then, yer honor must 
kape on till ye get to the apple-woman’s 
stand, on the corner of the brick church it is, 
and kape that on the right and go on till ye 
get to the sign of the big watch, and mind 
you don’t fall into the cellar thereaway, then 
you kape on a little farther till you come to a 
big tree, and after that you turn to the right 
or left, but by the bones of Saint Patrick, I 
don’t know which.” 
The traveler turned in despair to a long 
lank Jonathan, who was standing whittling 
close by, and made the same inquiry of him. 
“ Maybe you’re going to put up there ?” 
queried Jonathan. 
“ Yes, I intend to.” 
“ Did you come from far off!” 
“Yes, from Philadelphia,” was the impa¬ 
tient reply. “ But can you tell ine ivhere 
the— 
“ Got any more baggage!” said the impur- 
turbable Yankee. 
“ No, this is all,” said the traveler, con¬ 
vinced that the only way to get the| direction 
was to submit to the questioning. 
“ Going to stay long ?” 
“ Couldn’t say,” was the reply, in a rath¬ 
er crusty manner. “ But I’m in a hurry, and 
would like to be directed to— 
“ Wait a minute. I reckon you’re a mar¬ 
ried man, ain’t you ?” 
“ No, I am not. And now I will not an¬ 
swer any thing more until you have an¬ 
swered me.” 
“ Well, squire,” said the Yankee, coolly, 
I’d like to obleege you, but the truth is 1 have 
never been in the city before myself.” 
In less than a minute, a carpet-bag with a 
man attached was seen hurrying away from 
the vicinity. He didn’t find asking directions 
of any particular advantage. 
A Good Retort. —A clergyman who was 
in the habit of preaching in different parts of 
the country, was not long since at an inn, 
where he observed a horse jockey trying to 
take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon 
him a broken winded horse for a sound one. 
The parson knew the bad character of the 
jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told 
him to be cautious of the person he Avas 
dealing with. The gentleman finally de¬ 
clined to purchase, and the jockey, quite net¬ 
tled, observed : 
“Parson, I had much rather hear you 
preach, than see you privately interfere in 
bargains between man and man in this ivay.” 
“ Well,” replied the parson, “ if you were 
where you ought to have been last Sunday 
you might have heard me preach.” 
“ Where Avas that?” inquired the jockey. 
“ In the State Prison,” retorted the cler¬ 
gyman. 
The School Master. —The following is a 
literal copy of the directions on a box sent 
to Adams & Co., Express agents at Boston, 
to be sent to California: 
in Washingstreat in the Car of Adams of 
Boston the renited States Express to Cali- 
furney Emoliant Ointment this side up Avith 
Cair Pleas Carriet to California and sell it to 
the Lame and sore People it Does Great 
Cures for lame Burns, and scalds Mr. Adams. 
Sir Pleas Carit and sell the same Di rections 
in the Box for sale Pleas to take yir Pay 
out Aven sold and Return the rest to me sir 
youl find my name in the Box in Adams 
Washington Street Express man. 
What they are Fighting About. —An 
editor in Iowa has discovered that there is a 
Avar in Europe of some kind, but Avliat they 
are fighting about he don’t know. He is 
no Avorse off than a good many others. 
A Avestern exchange says that the pretti¬ 
est way of dunning ever devised was lately 
practised in 'that vicinity. A pretty young 
Avoman accosted a creditor thus : “ Husband 
has made me a present of that little you 
owe him.” 
Thirsty Traveler—“ My dear, can I pro¬ 
cure a glass of milk here ?” 
Little Red Headed Girl—“ No, tliir ;■ thith 
ith a teniperanth houth.” 
Nothing Avas so much dreaded in our 
schoolboy days as to be punished by sitting 
between two girls . Ah ! the force of educa¬ 
tion. Now-a-days Ave Avould submit ivithout 
shedding a tear, and regard it as capital pun¬ 
ishment. 
It is stated in the Hartford Daily Courant, 
that the jail in Windham County is to let for 
a boarding house. The operation of the new 
anti-liquor Irav in Connecticut, it is said, has 
brought about this result. 
“ I can marry any girl I please,” said a 
young felloAv, boastingly. “ Very true,” re- 
plied-his waggish companion, “ for you can’t 
please any.” 
Editor’s Opinions.— An editor observes 
that “ it is a solemn thing to be married,” to 
which another responds that “ it is a great 
deal more solemn not to be !” 
“ What did you hang that cat for, Isaac ?,’ 
asked his school-mistress. 
The boy looked up and gravely answered, 
“ For MEwtiny inarm.” 
A Remarkably Large Eagle. —The largest 
gray eagle of Avhicli we have heard was 
killed by Mr. Moses Smith, on the farm of 
Mr. Robert T. Miller, in this township,some 
three and a half miles from town. He mea¬ 
sured seven feet and three inches from tip 
to tip across the wings, and three feet from 
end of the bill to end of the tail. His Aveight 
was nine pounds and eight ounces. He 
Avas shot near the house, just as he Avas 
pouncing upon one of Mr. Smith’s pigs. 
While Raphael was engaged in painting 
his celebrated frescoes, lie Avas visited by 
two - cardinals, avIio began to criticise his 
work, and found fault without understanding 
it. “ The Apostle Paul has too red a face,” 
said one. “ He blushes to see into what 
hands the Church has fallen !” said the in¬ 
dignant artist. 
He avIio labors for mankind without a care 
for himself, has already begun his immor¬ 
tality. 
4,000 DOLLARS!!! 
WORTH OF N E W BOOKS 
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For each new subscriber, w ith $2, 
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REMEMBER! that each nciv subscriber 
confers a three-fold benefit—on yourself, by 
replenishing your library ; on the neiv sub¬ 
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weekly paper; and on the American Agri¬ 
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creasing its facilities for usefulness. 
The New Year is close at hand—let the 
Avork be done NOW. 
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