AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST. 
299 
“A little humor now and then, 
Is relished by the best of men.” 
JULIA ANN. 
Away down on the meadow green. 
And ’neath the walnut tree, 
'Twas there I sat with Julia Ann. 
And Julia Ann with me. 
Around her brow a merry wreath 
Of laughing cowslips ran, 
And in her lap were tender leaves 
With which she made a fan. 
My beating heart I could not still— 
It fluttered all the while ; 
For now and then my Julia dear 
Would raise her eyes and smile 
And oh ! it was too much for me ; 
I thought it not amiss ; 
And threw r my arms round Julia Ann, 
And gave the girl a hiss ! 
And then how happy had I been 
To get a kiss for that; 
But oh! the cruel, ugly girl 
Returned it with a spat! 
And laid my dreams of happiness, 
All In a moment—flat! 
“chewing” in church 
The following lines are posted up in a church 
in Worcester, Mass. They would not be out of 
place in other latitudes : 
“ Ye chewers of the ’noxious weed 
Which grows on earth’s most cursed sod, 
Be pleased to clean your filthy mouths 
Outside the sacred house of God. 
Throw out your ‘plug’ and ‘Cavendish,’ 
Your ‘tail,’ your ‘twist,’ and ‘honey-dew,’ 
And not presume to spit upon 
The pulpit, aisle, or in the pew.” 
DOESTICK’S PATENT MEDICINE- 
Punch says: 
Most people that we meet with, call 
The seat of war Sebastopol; 
But that’s not right, say some pe-ople ; 
You should pronounce it Sebastople. 
The Postmaster at Charleston, upon leaving 
office adopts the following complimentary address 
to the President: 
I have mailed my last letter, my duties are o’er, 
I’ve been turned out of office—am P. M. no more. 
The why and the wherefore you need not inquire ; 
I voted for Scott—Pierce bids me retire. 
*• No enemies to punish—no friends to reward,” 
From the lips of the Gen’l not long since we heard; 
Yet others with me who have shared in the rout, 
Can tell by experience how well he “ turns out!” 
SIGNS OF RAIN. 
Squire S -recently aspired to represent 
this place in the next Legislature, and in 
hopes of obtaining the nomination, he seized 
all favorable opportunities to address the 
million. A few nights since there was a 
caucus at the school house, when Squire 
J-delivered one of his flowery speeches, 
which terminated somewhat as follows : 
“ I say. fellow citizens, that the inalien¬ 
able rights of man are paramount and cata¬ 
mount to all others, and he who can not put 
his hand on his heart, and thank God that 
nothing is ranking within, deserves to lie in 
a bed—in a bed—I say, gentlemen, he de¬ 
serves to lie in a bed, in a bed—” 
“ With cracker crumbs in it,” shouted out 
the shrill voice of a person anxious to round 
the period. Thedaugh was tremendous, and 
it is doubtful if the Squire gets the nomina¬ 
tion. It is supposed that the cracker crumb 
man is the father of a small family, and has 
experienced the delights of such a bed. 
Congratulate me—my fortune is made— 
I am immortalized, and I’ve done it myself. 
I have gone into the patent medicine business 
My name will be handed down to posterity 
as that of a universal benefactor. 
Bought a gallon of tar, a cake of beeswax, 
and a firkin of lard, and in twenty-one hours 
I presented to the world the first batch of 
“ Doesticks’ Patent Self-Acting Four-Horse 
Power Balsam,” designed to cure all dis¬ 
eases of mind, body, or estate, to give 
strength to the weak, money to the poor, 
bread and butter to the hungry, boots to the 
barefeet, decency to blackguards, and com¬ 
mon sense to the Know Nothings. It acts 
physically morally, mentally, psychological¬ 
ly and geoligically, and it is intended to 
make our sublunary sphere a blssful para¬ 
dise, to which heaven itself will be but a 
side-show. 
I have not yet brought it to absolute per¬ 
fection, but even now it acts with immense 
force, as you will perceive by the accom¬ 
panying testimonials and records of my own 
individual experience. You will observe 
that I have not resorted to the usual manner 
of preparing certificates ; which is to be cer¬ 
tain that all those intended for eastern circu¬ 
lation shall seem to come from some for¬ 
merly unheard-of place in the West, while 
those sent to the West shall be dated at some 
place forty miles east of sun-rise. But I 
send to you, as representing the Western 
country, a certificate from an Oregon far¬ 
mer : 
“ Dear Sir : The land composing my farm 
has hitherto been so poor that a Scotchman 
couldn’t get his living off it, and so stony 
that we had to slice our potatoes, and plant 
them edgeways ; but hearing of your bal¬ 
sam, I put some on a corner of a ten acre 
lot, surrounded by a rail fence, and in the 
morning I found the rocks had entirely dis¬ 
appeared, a neat stone wall encircled the 
field, and the rails were split into ovenwood, 
and piled up symmetrically in my back yard. 
Put half an ounce in the middle of ahuckle- 
bury swamp ; in two days it was cleared off, 
planted with corn and pumpkins, and had a 
row of peach-trees in fullbloom through the 
middle. As an. evidence of its tremendous 
strength, I would state that it drew a strik¬ 
ing likeness of my eldest daughter—drew 
my youngest boy out a millpond—drew a blis¬ 
ter all over his stomach—drew a load of po¬ 
tatoes four miles to market, and eventually 
drew a prize of ninety-seven dollars in the 
State lottery. And the effect upon the in¬ 
habitants hereabout has been so wonderful, 
that they have opened their eyes to the good 
of the country, and are determined to vote 
for a Governor who is opposed to frosts in 
the middle of June, and who will make a 
positive law against freshets, hail storms, 
and the seventeen-year locusts.” 
Two Irishmen were in prison, one for steal¬ 
ing a cow, and the other for stealing a watch: 
“ Mike,” said the cow stealer, one day, 
what o’clock is it 1” 
“ Faix, Pat, I haven’t my watch handy, 
but I think its about milking time.” 
“ Well, sir, what does h-a i-r spell I” 
Boy—“ I don’t know.” 
“ What have you got on your head V' 
Boy—(scratching)—“ I guess it’s a mus- 
keeter bite. 
A young lady explained to a printer, the 
other day, the distinction between printing 
and publishing, and at the conclusion of her 
remarks, by way of illustration, she said, 
“ You may print a kiss on my cheek but you 
must npt publish it,” 
The noted Dr. Jenner thus recapitulates the 
infallible signs ” of a coming storm : 
The hollow wind begins to blow, 
The clouds look black, the grass is low ; 
The soot falls down, the spaniels sleep, 
And spiders from their cobwebs peep. 
Last night the sun went pale to bed; 
The moon in halos hung her head ; 
The boding shepherd heaves a sigh, 
For, see, a rainbow spans the sky. 
The walls are damp, the ditches smell, 
Closed is the pink-eyed pimpernel. 
Hark ! how the chairs and tables crack ! 
Old Betty’s joints are on the rack ! 
Her corns with shooting pains torment her, 
And to her bed untimely sent her. 
Loud quack the ducks, the sea-fowl cry, 
The distant hills are looking nigh. 
How restless are the snorting swine ; 
The busy flies disturb the kine. 
Low o’er the grass the swallow wings ; 
The cricket, too, how sharp he sings ! 
Puss on the hearth, with velvet paws, 
Sits wiping o’er her whiskered jaws. 
The smoke from chimneys right ascends, 
Then spreading back, to earth it bends. 
The wind unsteady veers around, 
Or settling in the east is found. 
Through the clear stream the fishes rise, 
And nimbly catch the incautious flies. 
The glow-worms numerous, clear and bright, 
Illumed the dewey dell last night; 
At dusk the squalid toad was seen, 
Like quadruped, stalk o’er the green 
The whirling wind the dust obeys, 
And in the rapid eddy plays. 
The frog has changed his yellow vest, 
And in a russet coat is dressed ; 
The sky is green, the air is still, 
The mellow blackbird’s voice is shrill 
The dog, so altered in his taste, 
Quits mutton bones on grass to feast. 
Behold the rooks how odd their flight ; 
They imitate the gliding kite, 
And seem precipitate to fall, 
As if they felt the piercing ball; 
The tender colts on back do lie, 
Nor heed the traveler passing by; 
In fiery red the sun doth rise, 
Then wades thro’ clouds to mount the skies. 
’Twill surely rain, I see’t with sorrow— 
Our jaunt must be put off to-morrow. 
Parson Millton was never lukewarm. He 
always went into his sermon with a rush, 
with a zest, a zeal, a gusto, and sometimes 
with a “ whirlwind of passion,” a perfect 
hurricane of action, accompanied by a thun¬ 
der-storm of words. One day this queer 
apostle was engaged in doing up his doc¬ 
trines brown, “ hitting,” occasionally, the 
socinians, arminians, antinomians and Hop- 
kintonians big “ licks,” and showing the op¬ 
ponents in general to the Presbytery, no 
quarter whatsoever—when, in one of his im¬ 
mense flourishes, he hit the big bible a thump 
—and over went the huge volume from the 
desk, slap bang! down upon the bald and 
reverend head of one of the deacons ! The 
excited parson “ pulled up ” shorten his har¬ 
angue—peeped over the cushion down among 
the living pillars of the church, and seeing 
the elder rubbing his pate, screamed forth in 
one of his unearthly yells—“ Did it hurt ye, 
deacon V' [Knickerbocker. 
A Speaker’s Power. —In the course of a 
late lecture, Mr. Chapin, among other things 
of the present day which he was subjecting 
to a playful but withering irony, he spoke of 
the “ bonnets which are never able to keep 
pace with their wearers.” It was amusing 
to notice that on the instant, nine-tenth of 
the ladies present involuntary grasped the 
front of their bonnets with both hands and 
gave them a twitch forward—a useles effort, 
however, for the milliners had made them so 
they would not come. [Chicago Paper, 
