8 
AMERICAN AGRICULTURIST, 
[January, 
it must stay lost for all we can do to help him. The 
chances of getting a dollar back from one of these fel¬ 
lows, are much less than that of being struck by light¬ 
ning. These rascals have a name for every week, and 
some have one for every day in the week, and as to find¬ 
ing them in the place where they claim to hail from, is 
as unlikely as the case of the needle in the hay-stack. 
Every dollar so sent is a dead loss, and the chances of 
recovering it, are not worth the three cent stamp put on 
the letter requesting us to do the impossible. We are 
always ready to help our friends when wo can, but this 
is just one of the cases in which we can not.... We have 
wondered that some competent pen has never written 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OP HUMBUGS. 
One accustomed to classifying and grouping objects 
of nature, when a series of other objects comes before 
him, naturally groups them and subdivides them. 
Taking a natural history view of the subject, we look 
upon humbugs as a family, and to characterise the 
whole, as a botanist would describe a family of plants, 
we should .say that they are marked by showy flowers of 
great promises, followed by fruit of bitter disappoint¬ 
ment. They have thorns which are sc bidden that they 
are not suspected until the wound is felt. They all grow 
in low and dangerous places, and if cultivated require 
fertilizing abundantly with dollars, but soon exhaust 
the soil. Everything which promises something for 
nothing, every scheme which promises to give a dollar's 
worth for less than 100 cents, every secret remedy, and 
most unusual ways of doing business, belong to this great 
family. Some of tho family are repulsive at first sight, 
while others hide their ugly stem and bitter root, by 
leaves and flowers so attractive, that many good people 
only find out their real nature too late. Xu this great 
family there are numerous genera or kinds, as our past 
volumes abundantly show. Hero wo enumerate some of 
the leading ones. 
THE LOTTERY AND GIFT CONCERT GENUS. 
This is one of the most dangerous of all genera of 
humbugs, as it is the one most able to command influen¬ 
tial names. Our position is, that lotteries of all kinds, 
no matter how honestly conducted, are wrong in princi¬ 
ple, and disastrous in their effect upon the community— 
and to none are they so injurious as to those who draw 
the prizes—the “lucky” ones they are called, but it 
is a misnomer, for no greater misfortune can befall a 
man, than to make him feel that there is some way of 
getting money without honest work, whether of hands 
or brain. So wo are “ sot agin 'em,” whether they are 
called Gift Concerts, Prize Distributions, or whatever 
name is used to mean lottery, and if all the governors of 
all the States, and every bishop, priest, president of 
bank, mayor, or alderman, should endorse such a scheme, 
as unfortunately some of them do, it would not make it 
any the less gambling, or its results any the less per¬ 
nicious. Nor does the fact that the proceeds go to some 
Public Library, Orphan Asylum, Public School, or what¬ 
ever charitable or worthy object, make the case any 
better. The fact that an Abbess in Russia, used the 
proceeds of her forgeries for religious purposes, did not, 
a short time ago, prevent her from going to prison. 
This genus of humbugs is so sugar-coated, that it 
deserves the bad eminence we have given it at the bead 
of the list. Another bad genus is the regular out-growth 
of the lottery business, viz: 
THE NOTIFICATION OF PRIZES. 
Notices are sent to numerous people that their ticket, 
number so and so, in such a “ distribution,” has drawn 
amelodeon or other prize, worth $125, and by sending $5 
or $7 to pay for packing, it will be forwarded. There are 
dishonest fools enough to take advantage of what they 
think is a mistake ; they know that they had no ticket, 
but are willing to try to cheat, and send their money. 
That they lose it is small punishment. There are 
several minor swindles growing out of the lottery crime, 
but this will serve as a sample. 
UNUSUAL WATS OF SELLING GOODS, 
form another genus, with several marked sub-genera. 
Some, including “ C. 0. D. Supply Companies,” are so 
plausible, that many are bitten. Examine all those 
schemes carefully, and it will be seen that they require 
the payment of some money in advance, by sale of cou¬ 
pons, or some other dodge. They send out some goods 
at a low rate, as an advertisement, but when they have 
gathered in all the money they are likely to get, these 
companies suddenly burst. All honest dealers offer their 
goods at a stated price, and the purchaser may buy or 
not. Where there is any unusual machinery for doing a 
plain transaction, there is likely to he cheating some¬ 
where. Another abundant genus is the 
VARIOUS WATCH COMPANIES. 
With the exception of horse-trading, there is probably 
more fraud in watch-trading, than in anything else. One 
of the phases of this is to offer a $50 or $100 watch for $4 
or $5. If any one is fooled by this, and many are, it is 
not that the watch is a poor one, but the money being 
sent, no watch at all is received. Then comes a letter, 
asking us to go and get the watch. No—we can’t do it. 
Simple youth, there is mo watch in the transaction. The 
genus of 
NURSERY AGENTS 
flouiishes especially in Western States, and in farming 
localities. These chaps have a book of highly-colored 
plates, a glib tongue, and a face of the hardest brass. 
Don’t buy of or tolerate one of these chaps, unless he can 
show a recent certificate from a respectable nurseryman. 
Then, if you order, write to the nursery and ascertain if 
the person is an authorized agent. If not, don’t be 
bluffjd into taking the goods. Don’t sign any agree¬ 
ment, or put your name to any paper whatever, that 
'these chaps may present. If any of these fellows has a 
thing out of the usual way, such as a “ self-pruning grape¬ 
vine,” or a strawberry that grows on bushes, or any such 
“ novelty,” show him the gate, and tell him to “ git." 
Better have nothing to do with the whole crew. Some 
are honest, but it is one grain of wheat in a whole cart¬ 
load of chaff. 
BOGUS REAL ESTATE AGENTS 
constitute a vile genus. There are some in New York 
that we expect to get “ a twist ” on, and are watching 
their little ways. If you have land to sell, and do not 
know an honest agent, advertise it. If any one warrants 
to sell your property before a given date, set him down 
as a humbug:....There lias of late sprung up iu the 
Southern States a vile genus of 
WAR CLAIM AGENTS, 
which have fleeced people who have little to lose, under 
the pretense that Congress has made an appropriation to 
compensate for losses by the war. They will present the 
claim, but want $5 or so for expenses. Congress has 
passed no such bill, and never will. The magnitude of 
the losses on both sides will prevent it. Not a family 
North or South but has lost something, and so far as any 
money can indemnify, it is utterly lost. The genus of 
BOGUS WALL-STREET BROKERS 
is not a large one, but it is pernicious enough to make up 
for lack of numbers. When you get a circular, offering 
great inducements to put money in their hands for stock 
gambling, consider how much you can afford to risk in 
this little game, and give it to your church or town 
charity, and put tho circular in the fire. These are to bo 
let alone with unusual severity. There is a small genus of 
CHEAP SEWING MACHINES, 
which we need only label as dangerous. The fraud is 
nearly played out. There is a genus which is small but 
annoying, which we characterize as 
KITCHEN HUMBUGS. 
This sort usually comes to the back door, and have some¬ 
thing to accomplish the impossible. It may bo a silver¬ 
ing liquid, or some butter-powder to make a pound of 
butter from a quart of milk, or it may be the chap with 
the non-explosive powder, which, if put into the lamp, 
will not only keep the oil from exploding, but the chim¬ 
ney from cracking 1—Sensible people will need no advice 
in such matters. Others had better keep a big dog. 
COUNTERFEIT MONEY OR “QUEER” 
flourished finely a few years ago, but is now languishing 
from our thorough exposure. As these pretended counter¬ 
feiters, by their persuasive circulars, appeal only to those 
who are willing to buy and use counterfeit money, if they 
can do so without fear of detection, these schemes are 
simply propositions for copartnership in crime. No 
honest person will entertain them for a moment, and 
when we hear that a fool has sent good money to pur¬ 
chase counterfeits, we only say “ sarved him right.” To 
those curious in the “ ways that are dark,” we will say 
there is no counterfeit money at all at the bottom of these 
floods of circulars. Tho object of the senders is to get 
bold of somebody’s money. Having this, they know their 
victim dare not “ squeal,” as he has shown his readiness 
to enter into the business of circulating counterfeits.... 
The largest and most varied of all the genera is the 
MEDICAL HUMBUG. 
It presents innumerable species which may be grouped 
in sections, which are so numerous that we can hut out¬ 
line one or two. To us, who are in tho way of seeing so 
much of this, the wonder is that there can be found in 
the whole breadth of the country, people who will ac¬ 
cept the absurd claims and swallow the ridiculous stories 
which accompany these nostrums. An experience of 
many years as a druggist, allows the writer (though he 
never advertised or promoted the sale of quack medicine) 
to have a fair insight into this business. He has sold 
the crude materials to some of the most successful quacks 
of their day, and has analyzed numerous of these secret 
remedies, and knows that all these pretended wonderful 
compounds, by whatever name they may be called and 
whatever claim they may put forth to marvellous dis¬ 
covery in some far-off place, are all made of the com¬ 
monest drugs, and the cheapest of their kind, and the 
only thing remarkable about any of them is in their 
lying printed circulars. His experience has also shown 
that there is nothing about which intelligent persons 
know so little as their own bodies and their ailments. 
He has seen men, whose judgement he would trust in 
any matter involving law, knowledge of men and busi¬ 
ness, or in any other thing, he the victims of and ad¬ 
vocate the most absurd and ignorant quacks. When we 
see the name of any otherwise respectable citizen at¬ 
tached as an endorsement to the most palpable nonsense, 
we are not surprised, but know it is one of the weak¬ 
nesses of human nature. One of the shrewdest business 
men we ever met, and one whom it would be impossible 
to deceive in the ordinary affairs of life, not long ago ad¬ 
vised us in all seriousness to carry a horse-chestnut in 
the pocket, to keep off’ rheumatism. If we were to ad¬ 
vise him to pray to the weather-cock upon his church- 
steeple, he would be horrified, but it would be no more 
ridiculous, to our notion, than his horse-chestnut pre¬ 
scription... .The worst set of these medical humbugs 
is the 
PSEUDO-RELIGIOUS SECTION, 
which includes all those who make use of religions pro¬ 
fessions to increase their gains. These scoundrels know 
that the majority of professedly religious people, being 
perfectly sincere themselves, give a sympathetic hearing 
to those who claim a religious fellowship, and the “ Re¬ 
turned Missionaries,” and “Aged Clergymen,” and the 
“ Sands-of-Life ” man—a young fellow who drove fast 
horses and was generally fast. All have had very rich 
pickings. For the whole horde of these villains, who 
show the cloven-foot of humbug from beneath the cloak 
of religious hypocrisy, see our former volumes. A true 
man has too sacred a regard for his religious belief, ever 
to trade upon it... .Another section is 
THE MARVELLOUS REMEDIES, 
those discovered in some wonderful manner, whether 
picked up in a bottle by the sea-shore, found among the 
Indians of the Andes, or the Comanches or Apaches, 
or somft other miserable tribe of red-skins. Perhaps one 
of the most complete things of this class is the “ Indian 
Blood Syrup,” claimed to he sent out by Clark Johnson, 
M. D., Jersey City, N. J., as a discovery by Edwin East¬ 
man during his own captivity and that of his wife among 
the “ Salvages.” We say “ complete,” because as to Clark 
Johnson, M. D., and Eddie Efcstman, as Betsey Prig said, 
“ there ain’t no such pusson.” The bottom of the thing is 
one who calls himself Dr. Huyler, whose career and the 
composition of whose medicines have been given in a 
former volume. We might go on with the endless shapes 
in which the genus Medical Humbug presents itself, but 
space forbids. The only safe way is to have nothing 
whatever to do with any secret remedy. There is nothing 
in any one of them, no matter what their claims and pre¬ 
tensions, that is not to be found in any well ordered 
drug-store ; and these ignorant quacks, who parade their 
diamonds and fast horses, are not in possession of any 
medical knowledge that is hidden from any properly 
educated physician. To our new friends, who make our 
acquaintance now for the first time, we say—Avoid every 
secret preparation whatever, no matter by whom put np, 
by what eminent names endorsed, or whatever its claims. 
Do not write to ask if we include this or that—we make 
no exception whatever. So about doctors. If one adver¬ 
tises his cures, says he can cure where others have failed, 
if he sends out a circular of any kind, or claims to have 
any method of treatment unknown to others ; if he war¬ 
rants a cure or will refund the money, if he will consent 
to treat by mail without seeing the patient—in short, if 
he advertises anything beyond the fact that he is a 
physician, and gives particular attention to a certain class 
of diseases, set him down as a quack, and not to be 
trusted. Do not write to ask if we include this or that 
one in this opinion— we make no exception. Moreover, do 
not ask about any New York “doctor,” who sends out 
circulars. Our acquaintance does not lie in that direc¬ 
tion, and we can give no advice about them except on 
general principles, t o avoid the whole crew. . ..These are 
a few of the forms assumed by the monster we have been 
fighting for many years, and which we shall keep on 
fighting so long as one of its foul heads has life in it.... 
This general view of the family, though a partial one, 
has taken so much space that we have no room to cite 
species, or individual cases. Of these there are unfor¬ 
tunately too many, as will appear in our future issues. 
We can do our new friends no better service than to ad¬ 
vise them, as we have often advised our old ones, to 
shun every doubtful project, no matter how flattering the 
promises by which it is accompanied. 
Pag© US. 
Death of the Mon, Ezra Cornell. 
—The crowded state of our columns prevents more than 
a mere announcement of the death, at Ithaca, N. Y., 
Dec. 9th, last, of the founder of Cornell University. 
