VOL.  LI.  No, 
2202 
NEW  YORK,  APRIL  9,  1892. 
PRICE,  FIVE  CENTS. 
$2.00  PER  YEAR. 
Uncle  Sam  Teaches  Maize  in  the 
Europe  District  School. 
Uncle  Sam.  In  younger  days,  used  to  teach  a  district  school. 
Ain’t  up  on  your  modern  ways,  still,  he's  surely  no  man’s  fool. 
Old  school  teachers  don't  forget  principles— they  do  maybe 
Get  behind  a  bit  and  yet,  come  to  stir  ’em  up,  you'll  see, 
That  they  manufactured  men  of  good  grit  an’  brain  an’  heart 
In  the  old  school  houses  when  we  were  fighting  for  a  start. 
School  house  cramped  old  Uncle  some— reckoned  he  had  done  his  stent 
So  he  let  the  young  folks  come  to  the  platform,  while  he  went— 
On  the  school  board,  kept  his  eye,  sighted  on  things— wouldn't  hire 
Slack  an’  shiftless  teachers— My  !  Hated  lazy  folks  like  fire. 
Always  wanted  folks  to  teach  so's  to  make  the  children  look 
Into  things—”  You’ll  nc  er  reach  human  nature  through  a  book  ! 
Teach  'em  to  observe  and  think,  let  ’em  drink  from  nature’s  cup, 
Till  their  minds  let  out  a  link  !  ”  That’s  the  way  he  talked  it  up. 
Kept  a-barplng  on  that  string  till  folks  said  : — “  I  guess  that’s  so, 
’Twouldn't  be  much  work  to  bring  what  old  Uncle  Sam  don’t  know 
'Bout  the  horse  sense  of  the  thing  ” — Over  in  the  Europe  school, 
Was  a  teacher,  Mr.  King,  who  was  trying  hard  to  rule 
Lots  of  big  an’  hungry  boys— surly,  full  of  discontent. 
School  room  held  no  hopes  or  joys— life  was  but  one  bitter  stent. 
School  trustees  got  desperate  ;  (Mr.  King  war’n't  very  stout) 
Game  to  Uncle  Sam  to  state  that  they  wished  he'd  help  ’em  out. 
What’s  the  matter,  boys,  now  come;  with  our  maize  to  fill  up  tight 
All  your  stummlcks  as  a  drum?  Ain’t  the  answer— ‘It’s  all  rightV 
Ain’t  ye  read,  In  history,  how  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  came 
Seekin’  freedom  o’er  the  sea— hunger  made  ’em  stiff  an’  lame; 
Didn’t  bring  enough  to  eat!  Famine  stared  ’em  in  the  face. 
But  they  didn’t  sound  retreat,  kept  ahead  with  steady  pace. 
Kept  alive  on  maize,  they  stood,  shelterin'  freedom's  flickerin'  light, 
Fed  It  with  their  very  blood,  till  It  blazed  up  clear  an’  bright 
Beacon  light  for  Liberty— search  their  doln’s  low  and  high, 
Go  all  through  ’em  an’  you’ll  see  that  there  wasn't  ary  fly 
On  their  records,  an’  it’s  plain  that  If  corn-fed  men  do  that, 
Yankee  corn  won't  have  to  strain  very  hard  to  keep  you  fat. 
“  Now,  you  big. boy  there,”  says  he,  “  Jest  git  up  an’  demonstrate 
So  that  all  the  rest  can  see— this  'ere  sum— come  now,  don’t  wait!” 
Big  Hans  Schneider  sat  up  head  “  Vat  der  matter  vas  mit  maize? 
Dot  vas  shust  all  right”  he  said,  “  Ven  you  geeps  dot  mlt  Its  blaze 
Efforyding  vas  settle  vere  Nadure  blazes  him,  und  ven 
You  vas  shange  him  out,  dako  care,  for  you  steps  der  toes  on  men, 
Dot  vas  mlt  der  habit  get  of  shust  doing  so  und  so 
Ve  don't  shange  right  off,  I  bate,  stumucks  fltted  oud,  you  know 
Shust  for  grinding  rye  und  veet,  don’t  vlll  vork  veil  mlt  all  corn, 
Dey  vas  shust  till  up  und  heat  till  der  stade  off  heald  vas  gone; 
Ven  ze  fameuse  Englees  beef,  he  do  fall  ze  cake  to  take. 
But  come  to  ze  greatest  grief  from  ze  brown  bread,  bean  le  hake 
And  ze  leetle  tariff  too  makes  von  reclprocltee 
I  to  buy  ze  grain  of  you,  you  pay  market  tax  to  me." 
‘‘When  da  greata  Columbo  sailed  da  greata  ocean.blue,” 
Said  a  voice  all  seemed  to  know,  “  Nota  muclia  then  he  knew 
Of  da  country— only  gold,  did  he  thlnka  wortha  thought, 
Spalna  into  crime  was  sold,  by  da  gold  that  hea  brought. 
For  da  rlcha  took  It  all,  ground  da  poor  a  down  to  earth, 
Poverty  would  nevar  call,  had  Columbo  seen  da  worth 
Of  da  gold  within  da  corn— had  he  brought  da  people  food, 
Crlma  !  Hata  !  Wronga  !  Scorn  !  were  not  wlpa  out  In  blood. 
Too  much  chestnuta  wo  eat,  which  explalna  reason  we 
Have  to  take  da  backa  seat— In  da  worlda's  history. 
Maiza.  shea  alia  right  !  Stranger  to  da  people  yet 
When  they  learna  It  by  sight,  then  a  taka  all  they  get  I  ” 
Ivan  Ilusslan  shook  his  head,  “  Famine,  stomach  ompty-vltch, 
Rye-a-vltch  play  out,  vitch-bread,  hunger-vltch  !”  There  came  a  hitch 
In  his  words,  his  language  rubbed.  “  Vltch  r-r-r  !  ”  and  then  grew  dim, 
Though  his  mouth  his  big  tongue  scrubbed, all  they  could  get  out  of  him 
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“Chalked  a  sum  out  on  the  board  so  that  all  of  ’em  could  see; 
Then,  I  tell  ye  what — he  scored  them  old  methods  !  ” 
Tickled  Uncle  big  to  think  that  they  called  on  him,  you  know, 
Thus  to  straighten  out  their  kink.  “  Why,”  says  he,  “  of  course  I’l  go. 
I  have  flggered  on  it  some  ;  I  know  what’ll  do  'em  good, 
Study  that’ll  bring  'em  home  is  a  cheaper  price  for  food. 
Too  much  army,  too  much  light;  You’ve  taxed  people  till  they’re  sick, 
What  they  need  is  bread— 'taint  right— ’taint  no  wonder  that  they 
kick.” 
Uncle  Sam  went  on  the  stand:  got  himself  a  piece  of  chalk 
Kept  his  ferrule  in  his  hand,  pointing  as  he  gave  his  talk, 
Chalked  a  sum  out  on  the  board,  where  the  scholars  all  could  see. 
Then  I  tell  ye  what— he  scored  them  old  methods—”  Why”  says  he 
“  what  you  fellers  want  to  know  is  the  way  to  cut  the  price 
Of  your  livin’,  I  can  show,  how  to  do  it  in  a  trice. 
Stummick  never  seems  to  fill !  Why?  Because  food  costs  too  much. 
Wages  won’t  receipt  the  bill,  never  can  while  you  use  such 
High-priced  foods  as  wheat  and  rye;  come,  I  wish  you  folks  would 
shake 
All  them  cob-webs  from  your  eye  an’  fill  up  on  Johnny  cake! 
Hate  to  see  ye  go  about  thinner  than  a  deacon’s  cat, 
Like  to  see  yer  sides  stick  out  with  an  inch  of  corn-fed  fat. 
Com  costs  half  as  much  as  wheat,  yet  a  pound  of  it  will  give 
Just  as  much,  or  more  to  eat— save  the  extra  price  and  live! 
Corn  is  Heaven’s  greatest  gift;  of  all  grains  it  stands  up  head; 
You  would  see  your  trouble  lift  If  you’d  eat  it  in  your  bread, 
Flap-jacks,  muffins,  stirabout,  hoe-cake,  egg-bread  light  as  silk 
Draw  the  sting  of  hunger  out,  with  a  bowl  of  mush  and  milk. 
Maize  was  very  goot  mlt  food  by  der  Homobathick  d  oze 
Dods  der  vay  it  does  us  goot,  ven  ve  eats  dot  out  like  dose 
Rich  folks  to  der  boor  folks  say— ‘Maize  vas  goot  enough  for  you,’ 
Dot  makes  fashion— shange  der  vay,  und  ve  eats  dot  corn  meal  too.” 
Big  John  Bull  was  called  up  next!  ”  Maize  is  cow  food,  don't  ye  know! 
Ye’ve  a  very  'andy  text,  h'and  ye  might  go  h’on  h’and  show 
That  the  best  'o  meadow  ’ay  might  be  used  for  bread  h’and  cake 
Still,  h’im  not  disposed  to  say  that  your  maize  will  never  make 
Solid  ’uman  beef  h'and  bone,  ha’s  It  did  h’at  Plymouth  Rock, 
Though  it  wasn’t  maize  h’alone,  but  the  solid  H’engllsh  stock 
That  built  h’up  your  mighty  land,  h’and  you  needn’t  think  to  rule, 
With  a  corn  stalk  in  your ’and  over  Europe's  great  big  school! 
For  hits  H’engllsh  beef,  ye  know,  fattened  on  your  Yankee  grain. 
Makes  the  world  wag  thus  h’and  so,  h’and  gives  me  my  solid  ga'n.” 
Then  smart  Jean  Crapaud  arose.  “  No  von  can  ze  vool  to  pull 
Ofer  all  ze  peebles  nose  like  my  neighbaire,  Meester  Bull 
Your  grand  country,  salr,  he  hafe  glfen  us  ze  potato, 
Zat  ze  poor  folks  life  do  safe,  and  your  mighty  tomato 
Safes  our  livers  and  ze  mush  and  ze  fameuse  Jeanle  cake 
Fats  ze  people  and  will  hush  hunger’s  cry !  pardon!  I  take 
In  zls  meeting  much  pleasalre!  old-time  camerades,  salr,  are  we 
In  ze  Bevolutionaire!  L’oncleSam!  Mon  bon  ami! 
But  he  rubbed  his  stomach  sharp,  with  a  most  expressive  stroke 
Not  much  need  for  him  to  harp  on  a  string  that’s  surely  broke  ! 
Then  came  Pat  O’Hoollhan.  “  Faith,”  he  said,  “  Ye’s  do  me  proud  1 
Would  me  lungs  was  like  a  fan  so  that  I  could  shout  aloud 
Over  all  the  earth  an’  say  half  the  blessings  that  Is  due 
To  your  grate  Amerlkay,  land  In  all  the  fray  an’  thrue 
What  the  Irish  people  lack  is  too  many  spuds  to  ate, 
They  stuff  till  their  stummlcks  crack  when  a  little  pace  of  mate 
Would  be  twlct  as  tilling  up— how  much  betther  would  they  fale 
If  they’d  only  learn  to  sup  on  a  mush  of  good  corn  male  ! 
Flour  an’  mate  is  very  high,  an’  pertatoes  very  chape 
Which  explains  the  raison  why  that  the  Irish  people  kape 
Fillin’  up  on  bulky  stuff,  till  they’re  tighter  than  a  drum, 
An’  their  falin’s  have  to  puff  out  an’  make  their  temper  hum.” 
“  Now,”  says  Uncle  Sam.  “  I’m  glad  that  ye  take  yer  lesson  so, 
Won’t  be  any  of  ye  sad  when  ye  study  out  an’  know, 
What  an  antidote  for  pain  an’  fer  hunger  an’  despair, 
We  huv'  gut  in  this  here  grain  ;  nothin’  beats  It,  l  declare. 
Didn’t  ’spose  ye’d  fall  right  in,  though  ye’r  gittin’  pretty  near 
To  the  bottom  of  yer  bin— go  ahead  an’  never  fear 
All  of  Europe  we  kin  feed,— an’  the  grain  will  not  be  missed— 
From  the  Turk  up  to  the  Swede— come  an’  see  us!  School’s  dismissed!" 
