VOL. L. NO. 2 145 . 
NEW YORK, MARCH 7, i89i. 
PRICE, FIVE CENTS. 
$ 2.00 PER YEAR. 
THE FARMER WINS THE BRIDE. 
Miss Columbia taught our school down In District Number One ; 
All the big boys spruced right up -thought they’d have a heap of fun 
Courtin’ teacher—finest girl ever seen in all our parts, 
'Twan’t no wonder all them boys got new clothes and lost their hearts. 
Pretty as a peach, and firm as a rock -you couldn’t stir 
Her an inch, when once she felt Justice sitting ’side of her. 
Young Pug Politician, he took the lead in everything, 
So he took the teacher out for a sleigh ride ’long towards spring, 
To the corners said they’d Join Parson Brown’s big Bible class. 
Made his suppositions there-always was chock-full of brass. 
“ Won’t you marry me ? ” he said ; "I can make the people dance; 
When I tune my fiddle up all the wires begin to prance; 
I know human nature well; I make fires of party hate, 
While the people tire themselves bringing wood-I beg to state, 
That I slip between the two, taking any seat 1 please; 
Thus the fires bring warmth to me, while the working folks may freeze. 
We’ll keep these old issues up; let the people fight and spar, 
From our easy chairs we’ll laugh, seeing what big fools they are ! ” 
Miss Columbia looked him through, with her big eyes true and clear, 
Till Pug trembled in his boots, while his heart just jumped with fear 
“ Do you think such words,” she said, “ ever won a woman’s heart ? 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part.” 
Larry Lawyer soon found out Pug was mittened, so he scratched 
His big head until his scheme—smart and slick—was safely hatched. 
Big protracted meeting came; teacher took great interest—then 
Larry sought the mourner’s bench, leading up the boys and men. 
Kept his eve on teacher, too, saw her home one Sunday night; 
Rubbed the carpet with his knees and pretended doleful plight. 
“ Won’t you marry me ? ” he said ; “ I’ll set people by the ears, 
Drawing good fat legal fees from their varied hopes and fears. 
I’ll write titles, wills and deeds, I’ll buy mortgages and notes, 
I’ll make make debts and ‘I O U’s’ fatten like a pen of shoats ; 
I’ll turn new laws inside out till folks are bewildered quite; 
I’ll twist ‘ Justice ’ ’round till folks up and swear that black is white ; 
All the time wc’li milk the cow, while the plaintiff holds her horn, 
An 1 defendant pulls her tall, while the old cow bawls for corn.” 
Miss Columbia looked at him, with her eyes so clear and true. 
Till poor Larry’s shaking knees nearly wore the carpet through. 
“ Do you think such words,” she said, “ ever won a woman’s heart ? 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part: ” 
Billy Banker tried it next, took his big gold watch and chain, 
Put his big, stiff collar on, though It gave his neck a pain ; 
Rubbed some bear’s grease on his hair, till it stood up stiff and caked, 
Rubbed his boots and coat and hat till they must have fairly ached. 
Thought that money did it all; thought that women's hearts were sold ; 
Thought that everything in life Just fell down and worshipped gold ! 
"Come,” he said, "Just marry me ; I’m the heir of Uncle Sam ; 
Taxes trouble me no more than a fat, high-water clam. 
Money rules! I squeeze the life out of labor on the farm, 
When I screw the mortgage down-My ! but that works like a charm. 
Marry me, we’U rule the wjrld—wealth and elegance untold 
Shall be ours when people pay tribute to our hoard of gold ! ” 
Miss Columbia's glowing eye here made Billy’s tongue to parch, 
8eared the polish from his boots, made his collar lose Its starch. 
" Do you think such words,” she said, “ever won a woman’s heart ? 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part! ” 
Then Ralph Railroad put on steam, came one night and asked if he 
Might go out to sociables as her steady company. 
Worked the thing up sort of sly-smart young follow, folks all said ; 
He was such a hustling boy, he was bound to get ahead. 
Uncle Sam had set him up : gave him land and bonds and cash, 
Helped him every way he could then young Ralph gets peart and brash, 
Makes old Uncle pay his fare or go hoof it through the mud, 
Puts up rates till profits fall off farm products with a thud. 
Miss Columbia knew It all, so when Ralph came up that night 
And began to show things up in the brightest sort of light — 
She spoke up, “ Let’s hear no more! ” Ralph he sort of backed away, 
Warn’t much else for him to do since he wasn’t asked to stay. 
" Do you think such words,” she said, “ever won a woman’s heart ? 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part.” 
Young Ma^k Middleman had watched ; when he saw the others quit, 
“ Now,” said he, “ my time has come. I’ll Just go and court a bit,” 
So one Sunday, after church, up he steps, " May I,” says he, 
"See you to your home to-night?” "Teacher smiled,” "you may,” says she. 
Off they started up the road, Mark, he didn’t like to wait. 
So he came to blows at once, finished ’ere he reached the gate. 
“ Won’t you marry me, my dear ? We can handle all the trade, 
Highest retail prices ours lowest wholesale prices paid. 
But forme producer would, wander till he lost his breath, 
With his products all unsold, while consumer starved to death. 
Not a mite of risk for us -why, our business is the ‘ boss.’ 
For you see producer takes all the risk and foots the loss.” 
Then the moon popped up her face over there by Banta’s Hill, 
Showed a look in teacher’s eyes that gave Mark a sudden chill. 
“ Do you think such words,” she said, “ever won a woman’s heart ? 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part.” 
Speculator’s folks moved into the district ’fore the school, 
Half run out-young—Si they sald--wasn’t anybody’s fool. 
Smarter than a trap and keen as a razor, “ now.” says he, 
" All you mittened fellers look- keep an eagle eye on me,” 
Bought a new top buggy, shined up Ills harness, brushed his horse 
Took the teacher out to ride, popped the question then of course : 
“ Won’t you marry me ? ” he said, " Give an 1 option ’ on your hand. 
Then I’ll ‘ corner ’ all the rest; that’s a trick I understand. 
When I’ve stuff I want to sell, I’m the rarest sort of ‘ bull ’ 
Till the price Is high enough, then I sell and profits pull. 
When you've stuff I want to buy, you can wager I’ll take care 
That I’ll growl up In the front as the fiercest sort of ' bear,’ 
Bouncing markets up and down, I will feather my soft nest, 
Then the silly working folks, they can Just divide the rest.” 
Miss Columbia looked at him, with her eyes so clear and true, 
Some one passed ’em—luckily. It was nobody Si knew. 
“ Do you think such words,” she said, “ ever w on a woman’s heart 
You’ll have nothing but my scorn till you act a manlier part.” 
Franklin Farmer all this time saw how things were taking place, 
Didn’t throw him off the track, ho kept on with steady pace. 
Learned his lessons, did nls chores, kept a-tblnklng all the while. 
Blushed up redder than a beet, when he caught the teacher's smile 
Beaming on him ; couldn’t get pluck enough to speak his mind ; 
“What’s she care for me.” he said—"rude and rough and unrefined? 
I’m a farmer— nothing else”—but he read, in books, of men 
Pure and good, who fought their way up to fame and power, anl then 
Straight he sought the teacher’s side : " I have nothing but my head, 
And my hands and honesty hero to offer you,” he said, 
‘‘I will bo as true as steel; I will step on no man’s right; 
I will never place myself in a fellow creature’s light; 
I will work with honest heart, I will blast and clear my way ; 
I will a<k the world no more than my just and honest pay ; 
1 will give, an 1 I’ll demand that the worthless scamps that thrive 
On the work of weary hands shall be sternly made to strive 
In a fairer race with us; I’ll demand an honest share 
And an equal right for all, and a start and finish fair, 
I will ask no right which I to my neighbor would deny; 
I will work and read and think, I will grow as years go by.” 
Frank was quite a bit surprised at his voice—it ran on so. 
Miss Columbia looked at him, with her sweet face all aglow. 
Girls don’t make long speeches when, right man comes along to speak 
What they long to hear; they stand sort of trembly then and weak. 
Nothing but the woman left, when before their vision’s scan, 
Comes a figure they believe their ideal of a man. 
So these young folks fixed things up - not your business what they did, 
Drop the curtain, lower the lights, let such sacred things be hid. 
Wedding’s comingln good time; farmer, he has won the bride, 
Honest folks, keep right at work ; rogues and rascals better hide. 
1 
"Til 
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