A  Safe  and  Sane  Fourth 
By  Josiah  Allen’s  Wife 
**  TOLEDO  MADE  FOR  THE  WHOLE  WORLO'S  TRADE 
endable  Spark  Pluq  s, 
(Contianerl  from  page  80S) 
Sez  I.  “Tamer.  I'd  stay  and  do  what  I 
c  iuld  to  help  you.  but  we  don’t  (last  to 
1  *ave  the  premises  to-day.  for  there  are 
ii.rs  of  other  .Touesvillians  that  feels  like 
Mr.  St  aggies  about  celebratin’,  and  we 
have  to  keep  our  eye  out  fill  the  time  for 
tV.ii-  we  will  be  set  fire  to.” 
‘  Well,  I  some  expect  Sister  Drusilly 
over."  sez  Tamer.  “If  she  comes  she  will 
help  me  to  watch,  but  the  main  care  will 
be  on  me."  sez  she.  sifhin’  so  deco  that  it 
might  be  called  a  young  groan.  But  :>s 
the  nater  of  a  woman  is.  she  feebly  tried 
to  stand  np  for  her  pardner,  and  s*z 
again.  “Mr.  Staggles  sez  that  he  is  bound 
t*>  bring  up  the  children  to  honor  and  love 
their  country.” 
“That  idea  is  all  right.”  sez  I.  “but 
folks  have  different  and  more  comfortable 
ways  of  doin’  it.”  And  I  went  on  think- 
in’  it  might  take  her  mind  olTen  her 
troubles  for  a  spell. 
“I  wuz  over  to  Thomas  Jefferson’s  last 
night  and  they  told  me  their  way  of  o*de- 
biatin’  the  day.  Our  two  children, 
Thomas  Jefferson  and  Tirzali  Ann.  and 
their  pnrdners  are  goin‘  to  take  the*  grand¬ 
children  down  to  the  lake  for  a  picnic. 
They  have  got  a  little  flag  for  each  of  the 
•  ’-i1  Iron  to  carry,  and  the  two  pas  are 
•-  -in’  to  tell  ’em  a  short,  interestin’  story 
<boiit  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  and  what 
• 1  *•  (lag  stands  for.  and  the  children  have 
■:-ch  on  ’em  learnt  a  little  p!'*'*o  about  the 
‘ay  we  celebrate,  and  they  are  goin’  to 
have  outdoor  games  and  suthin’  extra 
:;ood  for  dinner.  And  they  are  goin’  to  be 
happy  and  peaceful  all  day.  and  safe  and 
sound  at  night,  and  don’t  you  think  that 
tie-  lessons  they  will  learn  from  the  talk 
of  their  two  pas,  and  their  good  little 
pieces  will  make  a  more  real  and  lastin’ 
impression  of  what  the  day  stands  for  in 
their  young  minds,  than  if  they  had  spent 
it  tryin’  to  see  which  could  make  the 
most  noise,  and  be  a  danger  and  nuisauce 
t  •  everybody  near  ’em?” 
Sez  Tamer  sort  o’  wishfully,  “that  may 
be  a  good  way.  but  it  hain’t  Mr.  Stag- 
lases’  way." 
"Well.  I  dou’t  want  to  set  up  any  woman 
agin  her  pardner.  so  I  shet  up  and  went 
home.  But  jest  as  I  left  another  turri- 
ble.  tumble  noise  reverberated  from  the 
backyard,  and  Tamer  jumped  agiu  and 
sez  “That  is  furrier  away  and  nearer  to 
the  straw  pile.  What  am  I  goin’  to  do? 
We  shall  be  burnt  up  root  and  branch !" 
And  she  run  out  bareheaded  to  head  ’em 
awake  the  fore  part  of  the  night  by  <--le- 
brators.  firecrackers  and  fireworks,  we 
got  pome  rest  towards  .morn in’,  and  wuz 
grateful  and  happy  to  wake  up  ami  find 
that  we  wuzn’t  burnt  up  in  the  night  un¬ 
beknown  to  ns. 
And  as  we  rid  along  through  the  dewy 
freshness  and  beauty  of  the  mnrnin’  we 
met  the  grandchildren  on  their  way  to 
school,  and  we  had  to  stop  and  hear  ’em 
all  tell  what  a  beautiful  time  they  ha  1 
had  the  day  before,  their  bright  eyes  and 
rosy  cheeks  bearin’  witness  to  their  words. 
Bliss  their  dear  hearts! 
And  jest  this  side  of  Janesville  we  wuz 
overtook  by  Joe  Filkins.  Mr.  Staggleses 
hired  man  a-drivin’  fast,  and  Josiah  hail  ml 
him  to  see  what  wuz  the  matter,  for  !m 
hardly  ever  drives  out  of  a  walk,  and  we 
knew  snnthin’  wuz  up- 
lie  drawed  np  by  the  side  on  us  and 
sez.  “Mis’  Staggles  has  collapsted,  tce- 
totly  collapsted.” 
“How  did  ii  happen?”  he  asked. 
“Well,  she  hain’t  been  feelin’  very  well 
for  a  day  or  two.” 
“No.  indeed!”  sez  I  to  myself,  “how 
can  a  martyr  settin’  in  a  blazin’  fire  feel 
well.”  but  I  sot  demote,  and  he  went  on  : 
"My  Staggles  is  sick,  too;  he  got  bet 
up  so  in  the  fat  man’s  race,  his  fat  seemed 
to  melt  on  him  and  don’t  git  solid  agin’, 
kinder  swoshin’  round  in  his  vital  parts. 
Me  can’t  lift  his  head  from  the  piller,  and 
havin’  jest  cornin’  on  :  I  don’t  know  what 
we’re  goin’  to  do.  And  two  of  the  chil¬ 
dren  got  burnt  pretty  bad  last  night,  and 
Mis’  Staggles  wuz  up  most  all  night  with 
’em.” 
“How  did  they  do  it?”  we  asked. 
“Well,  they  both  got  to  pullin’  on  a  sky 
rocket  and  it  went  off  in  their  hands  and 
burnt  ’em  pretty  bad;  they  wouldn’t 
either  on  ’em  gin  up.  They  took  that  ob¬ 
stinate  streak  from  her  fambly,  so  Iiv 
sez.  But  they're  smart  as  lightnin’.  Took 
it  from  him.  so  Ily  sez.” 
“Hove  are  they  now?”  sez  I.  interrupt¬ 
in’  him. 
“Oh.  Mis'  Staggles  poultice?  ’em  with 
flaxseed  poultices,  and  gr1  ern  some 
medicine  and  we  all  got  some  sleep 
towards  mnrnin’.” 
“Well,  what  are  you  after  the  doctor 
for?”  sez  Josiah. 
“Well,  I  wuz  tellin’  you,  they  got  a  tele¬ 
gram  this  niornin’  that  their  oldest  boy, 
Hiram  Junior,  got  hurt  at  a  Fourth  of 
July  celebration  out  in  Ohio,  where  he  is 
workin’.  and  hain’t  exported  to  live,  and 
when  Mis*  Staggles  read  it  she  collapsted 
Well,  Josiah  and  T  stayed  to  home  all  and  I  left  her  screamin’,  and  pawin'  the 
day,  though  there  wuz  a  big  celebration  air.” 
over  to  Loontown,  paraders  a-paradiu’.  “Well,  for  the  land’s  sake!”  sez  T. 
cannons  a-bclcbin’.  orators  oratin’,  boss  “hurry  along  and  git  the  doctor.”  Joe  Fil- 
i  rices  and  gamblin’  goin’  ou,  greased  pigs  kins  is  jest  that  slack  he  would  Sot  there 
climbin  poles  in  honor  of  their  country,  -ill  day  talkin'  and  foolin’  away  his  time, 
and  sack  and  potato  races  for  the  same.  I  beam  afterwards  how  the  axident 
Streets  full  of  dirt  and  noise  and  cou-  happened.  Hiram  Junior  wuz  deliverin’ 
fusion  and  tired-out  folks,  and  ambu-  a  Fourth  of  July  oration  and  the  stagin’ 
lances  ambulatin’,  talcin'  hurt  folks  to  the  wuzn’t  built  sound  enough  and  he  got  so 
hoi-spit, al.  and  lots  of  the  eclebrators  so  carried  away  with  the  patriotic  emotions 
full  of  patriotism  and  cheap  whisky  that  that  his  pa  had  filled  him  up  with  that 
the  lock-up  wuz  full  and  overflowin’,  so  he  pounded  harder  on  the  stand  than  he 
I  liearn,  I  wuzn’t  there.  lcnowed  he  wuz  a  poundin’,  and  the  hull 
No.  T  wuz  in  my  own  quiet,  peaceful  thing  come  down  on  his  head,  floorin’ 
home.  Josiah  run  np  the  big  flag  over  the  him  and  two  ministers  and  a  lawyer  or 
front  porch  and  we  sot  there  under  the  two.  and  three  saloonkeepers,  most  all  of 
8r  its  and  Stripes  (where  we  sot  we  the  leadin’  men  of  the  village  who  wnz 
could  look  out  both  ways)  and  we  talked  settin’  on  the  stage  with  him. 
about  the  noble  Join's  of  our  four  fathers  As  we  driv  along  homeward  I  didn’t 
mid  our  four  mothers,  and  hi . red  'em  In  feel  like  talkin'  and  I  sot  demote  for 
our  grateful  hearts  and  we  didn’t  work  quite  a  spell,  and  finally  Josiah  sez: 
much,  for  it  seemed  some  like  Sunday.  “Yon  look  awful  deprested,  Samantha  ” 
only  more  riz  up  somehow.  And  I  put  “I  am  deprested.”  sez  I.  “I’m  thinkin’ 
some  poseys  under  the  picture  of  George  of  what  Tamer  Staggles  had  went 
M  ashington.  and  got  extra  good  vittles,  through  and  you  can  multiply  such  (loin’s 
and  whilst  I  wuz  washin’  up  my  supper  by  the  thousands  take  "it  from  the  At- 
dishes  I  sung  a  few  verses  of  lantic  to  the  Pacific.  And  when  you 
“My  country  ’tis  of  thee,  think  of  all  the  tumble  axidents  and  the 
Sweet  land  of  liberty.”  immense  amount  of  money  that  might 
And  Josiah  cornin’  in  with  liis  milk  feed  the  hungry  and  clothe  the  naked, 
jilted  in  tin*  chorus  with  what  he  calls  goin’  up  in  smoke  onto  the  empty  air  on 
base,  and  it  wuz  base.  that  day  I  wonder  how  long  it  will  be  bo- 
W’ell,  the  next  moruiu’  Josiah  had  to  f°re  folks  will  learn  that  noise  and  Con¬ 
go  to  Joncsville,  and  the  day  wuz  so  fair  fusion  and  windy  bombastic  speeches 
and  pleasant  1  thought  I  would  go  with  bain  t  patriotism,  and  that  folks  can  love 
him.  I  had  a  few  dozen  of  eggs  I  wanted  au(i  honor  their  country  and  remember 
to  swop  for  groceries,  and  I  needed  some  the. great  deeds  of  their  four  fathers  and 
gingham  for  aprons.  And  though  key’  (Continued  on  page  915.) 
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