HiW.JOHN$ 
PATENT. 
MAJTERMLS 
Ay@.  s 
MOORE’S  RURAL  NEW-YORKER. 
r®it  an!)  fiinror. 
SPAILKS  AND  8PLIHTEBS. 
A  BAD  side  to  be  on— Suicide. 
Ex-press  men — Retired  printers. 
Fee  mail  help— Postage  stamps. 
The  nation’s  tear — Tlie  frontier. 
A  MATTER  of  course— A  river  bed. 
A  Wiseacre— Your  wisdom  tootb. 
An  oat- worthy  animal — The  horse. 
Imi'ropkr  Practice— a  quack  doctor's. 
CuTTiNo  a  Finger— Amputating  a  limb. 
The  only  cats  worth  any  money — Ducats. 
Bltohtino  dew — The  due  of  a  mortgage  note. 
Persons  of  extended  views — Panorama  paint¬ 
ers. 
A  DiPKiCDi.T  lock  to  pick— One  from  a  bald 
head. 
A  Wedding  Trip— Stumbling  over  the  bride’s 
train. 
A  BAKE  assertion  is  not  necessarily  the  naked 
truth. 
What  class  of  persons  may  bo  said  to  lie  the 
most  ?— Slugggards. 
The  happiest  paiier  in  the  United  States  is  an 
Indianapolis  daily.  1 1  has  but  one  “  want.” 
Cbdsty  says  the  list  of  mamages  in  the  news¬ 
papers  ought  to  be  put  under  the  head  of  “  ring 
frauds.” 
WuAT  is  the  difference  between  a  good  penman 
and  a  sailor  ?  One  crosses  the  T’s  and  the  other 
the  C’s. 
Professor  of  Rhetoric. — “  What  important 
change  came  over  Rums  in  the  latter  part  of  his 
life  ?”  Senior — “  He  died.” 
It  is  said  that  figures  won’t  he  ;  but  the  De¬ 
troit  News  thinks  the  figures  of  some  women 
are  very  deceptive  to  say  the  least. 
An  experienced  boy  says  ho  regards  hunger  and 
the  Hchool-mastor’s  rattan  as  about  the  same 
thing,  as  they  both  make  him  holler. 
In  reading  a  hymn  to  be  sung  one  Sunday 
afternoon,  a  New  York  minister  recently  said : 
"You  may  omit  (ho  fourth  verso.  1  don’t  believe 
it’s  true.” 
An  exchange  remarks  tliat  ”  some  people  are 
wholly  niiablB  to  appreciate  dehoate  irony.”  We 
have  obseiTed  this  ourselves,  particularly  iu  the 
case  of  washorwomou  and  shirt  bosoms. 
"  I.S  tliore  much  water  in  the  cistern,  Biddy  ?” 
inquired  a  gentleman  of  his  servant-girl,  as  she 
came  up  from  the  kitchen.  “It  is  full  on  the 
liottom,  sir;  but  there’s  none  at  all  ou  the  top,” 
was  the  reply. 
*‘ Ma,”  exclaimed  a  Chicago  youngstei',  as  he 
g.azed  longingly  into  a  bakery  window,  “  what 
nice  ])ie-ous  men  bakers  are,  ain’t  they  ?”  The 
mother  immediately  iiiveslAid  in  enough  pastry 
to  shut  the  child's  mouth. 
A  dissipated  old  negro  in  Montgomery,  Ala. 
while  walchiiig  the  monkeys  in  the  menagerie  iu 
that  city,  spoke  thus!  ‘‘ Dem  cliildren  got  too 
much  seiiHO  to  come  ouh^r  dat  cage  ;  white  folks 
cut  dai'  tails  oil’,  and  set  ’em  to  votin’  and  inakin’ 
oonstitewtlons.” 
An  Irishman  iu  Iowa  was  bitten  by  a  rattle¬ 
snake,  but  tlio  liberal  use  of  a  neighbor’s  whisky 
cured  him.  'J’ho  nest  day  ho  was  seeu  walking 
slowly  ou  the  prairie,  and  looking  earnestly  for 
something.  Ho  was  asked  what  he  was  looking 
for,  ”  For  the  boite  of  a  snake,”  was  the  reply. 
An  odd  bit  of  dialoiigo  oceui’s  iu  a  French 
novel: — “Whore  is  your  husband?"  asks  a 
gentleman.  “  Ho  went  to  buy  a  cigar,”  replies 
the  lady.  “  Has  ho  been  gone  long  ?”  “  Eighteen 
years.”  “  Ho  is  quite  right,”  remarks  the  gentle¬ 
man,  pliilosopbicaliy ;  "he  wants  to  choose  a 
good  one.” 
A  Western  tailor  advertised: — “Wanted — 
Two  or  throe  girls  to  put  ou  pants.”  Dr.  Mary 
Walker  c.*illed  next  morning  and  said: — “Now 
bring  on  your  pants  and  don't  look.”  The 
tailor  explained,  and  she  loft  witli  a  son'owful 
air,  vowing  that  she  would  seud  him  a  grammar 
as  soon  as  sho  got  home. 
A  soi  dimnt  nal!iralist  was  boring  Hook  with 
the  distinctions  in  formation  and  habits  between 
two  animals  of  tlio  same  genuti.  Hook,  w'bo 
neither  know,  nor  wished  to  know  any  tiling 
about  it,  exclaimeil — ••  It  flasbea  ou  me  now  " — I 
see  the  diatiuotiuu— “  it's  Just  the  same  in 
swine!”  “The  same?"  cried  the  astonished 
uatnralist.  “  Yes,"  said  Hook,  “  you  know  some 
pigs  are  driven,  and  some  piys  are  led. 
The  kicking  propeasities  of  the  mule  are  cer- 
taiuly  exaggerated.  As  we  write,  a  fiumer  over 
by  the  tobiicco  bam  is  pulling  one  around  to  his 
place  in  front  of  the  wagon  by  the  tail.  What 
gentleness  the  faithful  creatm’o  exhibits !  How 
meekly  he  submits  too  the  superior  will  of  Lis 
master!  How — ah !  by  the  way,  the  man  is  evi¬ 
dently  an  accomplished  acrobat— that  double 
somersault  he  threw  over  the  wagon  was  very 
skillfully  executed,  indeed. 
CEM  TPM 
SMO  KIML- 
Er^MlAL  IN  ToiAceo 
-G-AK  ■ 
— — \  V VVs.'. 
IS  TllTa  OJilVTJDlVIVI.VI.,  'I’O  KiVl>  JiV  SItlOItE  -* 
CORTLAND  WAGON  MANUF’C.  CO, 
Cortland,  N.  Y. 
lliZ*  Send  fur  CaiuloRue. 
The  Buffalo  Pitts  Threshers 
Aisri:) 
HORSE  POWERS. 
The  American 
CIDER  MILL 
will  Krind  more  Cider  from  the  Mime  welgUtof  apples 
than  any  other  mill  in  the  world.  Send  for  Circulars. 
ABBOTT,  BHF.W  &  CO.. 
(.'levelaud,  Ohio. 
^END  TO  JAMES  BRAyi.EV,  I.o,  N.  V..  for  De-ctlpliv* 
”  I'.lf*  I.lit  of  Buffalo  Pllu  Tlir«»bm  aud  Horta  Powon, 
A  HlieatoN  Koofliiir.  for  steep  or  flat  itoofg. 
.\alM‘aioH  It  oof'  (roailnic,  for  old  Leaky  Hoofs. 
AHbcHtos  C'cneni,  for  n-puirlCK  Lsiaks  on  Roofs. 
Aaheaton  Bool  Puint.  fur  Tin  Roofi',  Ite. 
Asbestos  I’nlnts  uil  oolors-niiidy  for  nso. 
AHbfMioM  Fire  Proof  Contliig.  for  wood  work. 
Anbesion  Boiler  f«nd  Hienin  Pipe  f 'overintis. 
AttbeNloM  Sieniii  l*uc'kjtiK.  Hat  A  round,  all  sizes. 
Koofliiir  HliRnthina,  the.  Kead.v  for  use,  tiiid 
Mutlv  uppllud.  Simd  for  I'amphliilB.  Prlue-Llsls,  Ac. 
H.  W.  JOHNS,  87  Maiden  Lane,  N.  Y. 
Pafenfrr  ami  Manu/iictunv.  EttabHihed  1!<68. 
CONSUMERS’  IMPORTING  TEA  CO., 
No.  8  Church  Street, 
P.  O.  Box  5509,  NEW  YORK  CITY. 
This  it  A  ctiRibihAliun  of  •cAiiUftlt*!*  t*>  lb«  con* 
•uuiL-rt  of  T«««  throughout  tlie  (Inlicd  on  the  ' 
mutuAl  prIncipU*  , 
Wft  f-xptrt  >F#ry  connuaipr  of  Tniui  to  roudor  ua  all  , 
the  fkJibUlMiice  they  can  In  enirvlue  Out  pur  tntevprize,  ■ 
Hi  we  iiinka  A  •f<o<!rnlt.v  Ot  ttUt*rLilNU  CONSUMEUS  ' 
ONLY,  (fihd  tnow  DO  pjtiMtfman  in  eey  prntil  on  ■ 
our  ImporUlioiia,)  which  will  enable  ua  to  auppiy  tbpin 
with 'Oaa  at  price*  lower  than  bftve  ever  teen  known, 
and  of  th'«»e  fine  qnalitlei  (hat  eeldom  reach  the  Interior, 
boiuK  *old  only  in  Urge  citU*  anil  among  (be  very 
wealthy.  SEND  FOR  PRICE  LIST. 
^KW  YOHK  STA'I'K 
AGRICULTURAL  SOCIETY. 
30lb  ANNUAL 
CATTLE  SHOW  &  FAIR 
At  Albany,  Sept.  11  to  IS,  1876, 
ON  TUB  OnOUNDS  OK  'J'HK  ALHANY  AGKI- 
CULTUHAl.  AND  AdlTd  ASSOCIATION. 
A  mplennrmaneni  stalls  and  hDildlncs.  steam  power 
for  machinery  and  foruKo  for  stock,  free  of  charge. 
Copies  of  the  premium  list  and  blank  forms  for  en¬ 
tries  will  be  aeut  hy  mail  to  all  appliounts. 
Competition  for  premiums  open  m  all.  hut  all  en¬ 
tries  niuet  be  made  porsonaHy  or  hy  letter,  at  the 
Society  "h  oRIcc,  ill  A I  bun  V,  on  or  before  Ausust  I’Jth, 
exceptluBontrlesof  jrultsand  dowers,  which  may  he 
made  up  to  lU  u’oluek  A.  M.,  ou  T'uesduy,  Sept.  IJih. 
Addrims  8TATK  AOHlCULrUHAL  .SOCIKTY, 
Allmuy,  N,  Y. 
SEND  yonr  addresa  for  ths  “  Agricultural  KcoDomUt,"  deacrlptWa 
ault  llluBtrated.  URADLlCY  MFH3  CO,,  Syraca*«,  N,  V. 
0LINE8'  SLATt  RSOFING  PAINT  IS  THE  BEST. 
''‘'Vanc 
CULTIVATOR 
r#  j  GANG 
Plow. 
MANL'KACTUUED  AT 
The  Pitts  Agricultural  Works,  Buffalo,  N.  Y., 
Have  been  kiiiMvii  thcoughout  the  United  States  for  over  thirty  years  as  the 
MOST  PERFECT  AND  LIGHTEST-RUNNING  THRESHERS 
in  the  world, 
FOR  THE  HARVEST  OF  1876 
I  am  otTerlng  a  hiriic  ussorlmunt  of  thes;  Uclcbrntnil  mid  Popular  IVluchfuca.  adapted  to  either 
Mieani.  Water  or  Horne  Power. 
They  oumhino  all  the  latest  improvements  which  are  lu  ho  found  iu  other  threshers,  and  some  which 
are  found  in  Urn  Uulfslo  PUts  uhinc. 
They  are  hunt  under  ino  direct  .siiparvlslon  of  Pit  vono.ti.  Thresh  bum  en  (who  have  followed  thresh¬ 
ing  ns  a  business),  and  all  changes  lu  ide  are  the  sdgi/ustions  of  experience  iu  the  Held,  and  are  thoroughly 
tested  there  before  adoption. 
Threshers  will  appreciate  the  great  advaui.tge  of  this  over 
Theoretical  Threshing  Machine  Building. 
The  greatest  care  is  glveu  to  using  the  very  best  matcHai  and  to  having  the  work  done  in  the  vwnt  thor¬ 
ough  man  nor. 
My  facilities  for  purchasing  materials  at  lowest  figures  and  for  ecuuomical  building  are  surpassed  by 
none  and  the  much  oes  are  offered  at  tuo  lowest  prices  at  which 
The  Best  Material,  put  up  in  the  Best  Manner,  can  be  AfTorded. 
la  comparing  prices  Threshers  will  please  note  dlffereuces  iu  material,  workmanship  and  tlnlsh  and 
bear  lu  mind  that 
The  Best  is  the  Cheapest  iu  the  end,  even  though  the  first  oost  is  greater. 
Various  sizes  are  made 24-ln.,  28-In.,  32.iu.,  and  IlC-la.  Cylinder  Threshers  and  t-horse,  8-horse,  10- 
burse  and  12-IJor8e  Powers. 
Repairs  are  for  sale  in  almost  every  county  In  the  wheat-growing  country,  at  my  list  price.  For 
Catalogues,  Prices,  &c.,  &c.,  address 
JAMES  BRAYLEY,  Buffalo.  N.  Y., 
or  44  NwiKii  UuMul  St.,  UiilL'Hi£0,  III. 
^DKERK  COMPANY,  Moline,  111. 
EA8TER.N  AOENTS- 
R.  H.  ALLEN  &  CO., 
1N9  iV  191  Water  Hi.,  New  York. 
Who  furnish  full  Infokmatio.v  Hike. 
iJENB  FOB  UlUUUl.Alt  Of  the  HRST  WIND 
O  MILL,  to  U.  8.  WIND  IE.  &  P.  Co.,  Batavia,  111. 
tlENn  FOR  UIRCULAU  of  the  heat  Paint  lu 
the  world  lo  RUBBER  PAINT  CO., Cleveland,  O. 
GR£AT  RSDUCTIOX. 
TEAS  AND  COFFEES 
AT  WHOLESALE  PRICES. 
Increaaed  KacllltlcH  to  Club  llrgaulzers, 
Head  for  New  Price  l.lst, 
THEaREATAMERICANTEACO. 
P.  O.  Box  5048.  3i  Ik  33  Veaey  St.,  Hew  York 
MOORB’B  RnitAL  NEW-VOHKEll.—  With  ItS  full 
corps  of  editors,  and  a  now  publisher  of  energy  and 
ability,  the  tuauagemuul  propose  to  celebrate  the 
quarter-centeunlal  of  the  pioneer  Hukai.  in  such  a 
iiuinuer  us  to  augment  Its  popularity  and  usefulness. 
For  a  Brst-Class,  lively  paper,  containing  matter  of 
Interest  for  all  c'usses,  take  the  Ruual  New-Yobk- 
EU,  and  do  so  at  once,  for  the  paper  never  was  bet¬ 
ter,  and  Its  prospects  never  brighter.— F.rrporl  (Hi.) 
Joitrnal. 
Mo  ntK’9  RUBAI,  New-Youkeb  Is  one  of  the  re  id- 
able,  usoful,  family  papers,  equally  in  demand  by 
the  lady  lu  her  conservatory,  the  matron  with  her 
household,  the  farmer  in  his  Held,  the  stock  rai  ser 
among  bis  animals,  ar.d  the  young  folks  around  the 
evening  lamp. — Luw*  of  hi/f. 
The  Beat  Pu-per,  and  the  Best  Premiums  to 
Agents, Is  our  motto.  Wo  Ignore  Chromos  and  all 
other  clieap  colored  pictures,  preferring  to  put  our 
money  in  the  paper,  and  In  Premiums  to  Agents. 
Ac  Our  Risk.— You  can  remit  by  Draft,  P.  O. 
Money  Order  or  Registered  Letter  at  our  risk. 
