PATENT; 
Mit  alii  gum  or. 
tom:  COOKE,  THE  ACTOR. 
At  a  trial  in  the  Court  of  King’a  Bench  in  1813, 
between  certain  music  imblisherH,  ns  to  an 
alleged  piracy  of  an  arrangement  of  the  song  of 
“The  Old  English  Oentleman,”  Cooke  was  sub- 
pccnaod  as  a  witness  by  one  of  the  parties. 
On  his  croBB-oxamination  by  Sir  James  Scarlett 
for  the  opposite  side,  that  learned  counsel  ques¬ 
tioned  him  thus — 
“  Now,  sir,  you  say  that  the  two  melodies  are 
the  same,  but  different ;  now,  what  do  you  mean 
by  that,  sir 
To  this  Tom  pi-omptly  answei’ed — 
“  I  said  that  Uio  notes  in  the  two  copies  were 
alike,  but  with  dilTercnt  accent,  the  one  being  in 
common  time,  the  other  six-eighth  time ;  and 
coiiiu-qucntly  the  position  of  the  accented  notes 
was  different.” 
“  Now,  pray,  sir,  don't  beat  about  the  bush, 
but  explain  to  the  jury,  wbo  are  supi>osed  to 
know  nothing  jibout  music,  the  meaning  of  what 
you  cull  a«5oont.” 
Cooke:  “Accent in  music  is  a  certain  stress 
laid  upon  a  iiarticular  note,  in  the  same  manner 
us  you  would  lay  a  stress  upon  any  given  word, 
for  the  purpose  of  being  bettor  understood. 
Thus,  if  1  were  to  say,  ‘  You  are  an  amt,'  it  rests 
on  .ass  ;  but  if  I  were  to  say,  ‘  I'ou  are  .an  ass,’  it 
rests  on  j/ou,  Sir  .Tames." 
Shouts  of  laughter  by  tlie  whole  court  followed 
this  repartco.  Hilonco  at  length  having  been 
obtained,  the  judge,  witli  much  seeming  gravity, 
accosted  the  counsel  thus — 
“  .Vi'o  you  satisfied.  Sir  .Tames  ?” 
Sir  James  (who  had  become  scaidet  iu  more 
than  name),  iu  a  great  buff,  said — 
“  The  witness  may  go  down.” 
■■  ■ 
SPARKS  AND  SPLINTERS. 
Irish  drill-sergeant  (to  squad  of  militiamen)— 
Pr’s’nt  'Enis  ! — (Astonishing  result.)— “  Hiv’ns ! 
what  a  pri.sint!  Just  slip  out  here  now,  au’ 
look  at  yersilves!  !” 
“  How  much  will  your  new  school  books  cost, 
Johnny  ?"  says  father.  Johnny  calculates  to 
himself,  soto  voce.  “Lemmesee:  G2  cents  for 
the  Hinging  book,  75  ceuts  for  a  now  'rithmatic, 
$1.25  for  a  new  'jography,  25  ceuts  fora  hockey, 
harf  a  dollar  for  a  new  hat.  and  a  quarter  for 
candy.”  Theu  out  loud  s.a3’s  :  “  'Bout  fom‘  dol¬ 
lars,  pa !" 
Two  persons  were  ouce  disputing  so  loudly  ou 
tlie  subject  of  religion  that  they  awolto  a  big  dog 
which  had  lieeu  sleeping  on  the  hearth  before; 
them,  raid  he  fortliwith  barked  most  furiously. 
An  old  divine  present,  who  had  been  quietly; 
sipping  bis  tea  while  the  disputants  were  talking}  • 
gave  tlie  dog  a  kick,  and  exclaimed,  “  Hold  your- 
tongue,  you  brute  I  You  know  no  more 
about  it  than  they  do.” 
“Well,  uncle,  how  is  the  cau.se  of  religion 
getting  on  in  your  neighborhood?”  “Mighty 
poor — mighty  poor.”  “No  new  converts,  eh?’ 
“  Not  a  single  one — not  de  sign  of  one."  “  What 
seems  to  be  the  matter?”  asked  the  citizen, 
after  a  lengthy  pause.  “  De  matter  is  dat  some 
one  hez  stolen  four  big  watermelons  out  o’  my 
cai't  dis  afternoon,  an’  I  feel  in  my  bones  dat 
religion  is  gwiiie  down  bill  all  froo  dis  locality !” 
AT  THE 
CENTENNIAL 
AS  WELL  AS  AT 
VIENNA. 
WILSON 
RECEIVED  THE 
HIGHEST  AWARD, 
MEDAL  AND  DIPLOMA 
POR  THE 
TJETtTMJBLJz: 
Heidoet  —  “  Sure,  if  yoes  dont  git  out  of  this  and  sthop  j’er  botherin’,  I’ll  be  afther 
I  clowtbets  pin  of  yees. 
makiu’  a 
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duntly  testify. 
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