uUltft 
WITH 
WSl^MlU 
anli ijuntor. 
THE DELINQUENT COLORED WITNESS. 
^ khtkrdav an old negro, who had been snb- 
pienaed in (bo case of Rice, who was on trial for 
murder, did not put in an appearance at the ap¬ 
pointed time, and an officer was sent after him. 
In about three hours the old fellow was brought 
into court, and his comical appearance caused a 
smile to spread over the audience. lie looked 
for all the world like a Louisiana Iteturning 
Board struck by lightning. lie was brought up 
to the rail, and, holding his hat in his hand, 
stood trembling from bead to foot. 
The Court—Can you give any explanation of 
your absence from this conrt room ? 
Witness Fore God, Judge, I didn't get no 
supe-nya. 
The Court—Did not the Sheriff servo the pa¬ 
pers P 
Witness—Well, ye see, Judge, whenebbor I’se 
been sn-pe-nyed dey allers gib rne a paper. Dis 
time de Sheriff reads do papor, blit didn’t gib it 
up. Gnoss I knows de law on su-pe-nyas. 
The Court—the law does not require the sub- 
pteua to be delivered. 
Witness—*Foro de Lord, Judge, I s’posed it 
did. Nebher merit no disrespect for de court. 
Down in Louisiana de Sheriff always handed me 
de su-pc-nya pnssonally. 'Fore do Lord, Judge 
I’m tollin’ yon de truff. 
The Court—What wore you doing all this 
time ? 
Witness—Judge, I wouldn’t tell ye alio for $20. 
I was playin’ poker. 1 had four quoens wid de 
ace high and $17 in de pot. I was jus’ agoin’ to 
quit when de Sheriff come in. ’Fore de Lord. 
Judge, I was jus’ tbinkm’ about cornin’ tip. 
A general laugh went up, the Judge’s face re¬ 
laxed iuto a smile, and, after giving the witness 
a sharp reprimand, he Jet him off without the 
tine. 
- »♦♦-— 
SPARKS AND SPLINTERS. 
_ I 
The Colossus of Rhodes—the tramp. * 
W hen is a dog most like a human being ? 
When he is between a man and a boy. 
“No pains will be spared,’’ as the quack said 
when he sawed off a patient’s finger to cure a 
felon. 
“ That portable stove saves half the fuel,” f 
said an ironmonger. “ Faix, thin, I’ll take two 
of thim, and Have it all,” replied the customer. | 
A man out West, who offered bail for a friond, 
was asked by the judge if he had any incum¬ 
brance on his farm. “ Oh, yes," said he, “my | 
wife.” 
An Illinois editor, having lost his scissors, 
writes: “ Wc are called upon to mourn the loss 
of one of tho best and most trustworthy assist¬ 
ants the world ever knew." 
A Pni( unoloqist says the principal bump on 
George Washington’s head is that of adhesive¬ 
ness. Ho alludes to Washington’s head on the 
postage stamp, wo presume. 
Dn. Johnson was famous for disregarding 
public abuse. When people criticised and an¬ 
swered his pamphlets, papers, Ac., he would say, 
“ VV *y> now > these fellows are only advertising 
my book; it is surely bettor that a man should 
bo abused than forgotten.” 
A Saratoga letter writer asks, in despairing U 
tones, “ Where are the men ?” We don’t know 
dear, just where all of them are, hut from our 
sanctum window we just now saw Bix of them 
file around behind the Bcreen of a sample-room 
over the way. 
A t riar when preaching in a nunnery observed 
to bis female auditors: •* Be not too proud that 
our blessed Lord paid your sex the distinguished 
honor of appearing first to a female after the re- — 
surreetion; for it was doue that the glad tidings 
might spread tho sooner.” 
Tun will of the rich man of the future will 
lead: “ lo the respective attorneys of my chil- 
d “ 1 gh 13 m -T er *tiro estate and worldly goods tij 
of all descriptions. Personally to the children ft- 
and to my beloved wife I give all that remains." 
This instrument will satisfy the family and save i 
the trouble of proving the old mau insane. 
A man nmy carry a load of guilt concealed in 
Ins tortured soul for years and hide it with a & 
veneering of hollow, heartless, deceitful smiles, C_ 
but it doesn’t take five minutes for the thought- 
loss world to observe and understand the one- * r P 
shouldered gait of a man whose larboard suspen- A 
dor button has parted. T1 
Alst 
CIIrun: “ \Vho paid the expenses of the Prince Ab': 
of Wales journey?” Rich Colonist: “English ,,rio 
Gov nment,, my dear pet.” Child: “Why?” R. 
C: ’’Because he is a prince.” Child: “Oh! able 
Ihcn are you a prince, too, for pa says English f'o 
Gov nment paid your journey to Botany Bav 1>0U1 
when you came first?” amo 
3% 
.... 4 P 
STOLEN SWEETS. 
CARRY 
3 Months 
Show your paper to 
take the 
CORNELL’S A BO 
Thresher & Cleaner. 
.T*?® best Vibrating Threshing Machine extant. 
Alsu, the best Lever Horse Piuve. iu.rt Oneaml Twu- 
* t n * manufactured by the 
1 ., A l ** WORKS, °v h - 1 Cornell, Pro¬ 
prietor, Albauy, N. Y . Send /or Circulur. 
Mo jrk s Rural Nbw-Youk icr is one of the rent¬ 
able, useful, family papers, equally In demand by 
the lady in her conservatory, tho matron with her 
household, the farmer in his Held, the stock raiser 
among his animals, ar.d the young folks around the 
evening lamp.— Laws of Life. 
THE 
FLORENCE OILSTOVE, 
Far Heating vr Cooking, 
TWO STOVES IN ONE. 
, Odorless and l>urable. 
" P^S$g£j! Cun be used without ebimney- 
V ^ll flues, us it generates no smoke 
,•—or noxious gases. 
_ uJ Meats and Bread cooked 
by this stove arc better flavor- 
tKi ; A. 11 eil and more digestible than 
r „ When cooked by coal or wood. 
THE HEATER 
_ f ,;• A furnishes an abundant sup- 
ply of pure, moist beat, easily 
regulated to any desired tem- 
Tht Cook, with Baker, peraturo. 
The I’bOltbYCr. received the only Centennial 
3T«l«l awarded lo Oil Stoves. Jiej/Orl 0 / t/U Judges: 
“■It is simple in coast ruction, easily managed, and 
"well adapted to its intended purpose.” 
«AOB BY THH ' 
FLORENCE SEWING MACHINE CO. 
~FL01\ AW CE , MA SJS ., Manufacturers of 
THE BEST SEWING MACHINES. 
* General Agencies—ilO Union Square, ISew York; 
470 Washington Bt., Boston; 60 Lake St., Chicago. 
AGENTS WANTED EVERY WHERE. 
Steam - Engines. 
FOlt 1X77. 
More effective Mini uioru ccmnlete, and more read¬ 
ily ini titled to the vurlon* mcohnnienl and agricult¬ 
ural uses than any other In the market. Practical 
improvementsiicciimnlnrru from twenty venra' man¬ 
ufacturing experience. with reputation maintained 
and success established. 
Send for Circular-., descriptive, and containing 
testimonials concerning our POjtTABbE f.' 1 'A- 
TIONAltV and AdKIlTU.Tl IU 1. HTEAYI- 
KMJI.VtK 
WOOD, TABER & WORSE, 
Union, .Madison Co., N. Y. 
TEAC New and Best Terms 
H K1 cvcr offered to Club Organizers 
■ ■■ ■ " I ami Lfirce Couaututtrs. 
TEAS AT WHOLESALE pricer in lots to suit cus¬ 
tomers. All charges puld on fill orders and upward. 
BENI) FOR NEW PRICE Ll-T. 
_ . TRK CHEAT AMERICAN TEA COMPANY, 
P. O. Box 5dt.l. :il and .,i Vesey ^1.. New York. 
$ | fl * $0 C 11 sure made by Airents selling onr 
I U H Z3 chronics. Crayons, Picture A Chromo 
, / Ards■ I*15 samples, worth S->, sent, 
postpaid, for S.^ Cents, lllustmtod Catalogue free. 
4. H, BCKFOltD'B SONS. BOSTO N. Bytub’d l«w! 
WINHI M 'This Is a combination of 
■ ’ &>• /* capitalists to supply coti- 
■ -M A Lm suutera only throughout 
the Vnllrd Slates with 
. . , , , ^ Pl'RK TRAM on the 
mutual principle, by getting up clubs. Send for 
New Price-List. 
CONSUMERS’ IMPORTING TEA CO., 
P.O. Box 5509. No. 8 Church 8t., New York City. 
THE BIRDSELL 
TEAS 
and explain that they can 
TRY IT FOR 3 MONTHS, 
For just GO Cents ! 
By increasing the RURAL'S circulation you increase its 
usefulness. 
Address everything, 
RURAL PUBLISHING GO., 
_ 73 Duane St., New York. 
Clover Separator. 
The ortlp Clover .Tlarhiiir maniitorlureil lo - 
day In the uiirlrt hoeing- « Threshing and 
Bulling Cylinder eomhlned In on* frame. 
All combined machines made heretofore having 
been decided Infringements by the Courts, and ln- 
JU net I ons issued restraining the further manufacture 
or the name, we are now presenting our claims for 
royalties, damage, sc,, to the owners and users of 
all combined clover machine*. Persons owning such 
machines und w ishing to make settlements for our 
claims against them for royalties, can do so nt less 
expense by reporting tboir ouxn to n»at once, than 
ay wmung until culled upon by onr agent-; for the 
settlement- Terms of settlement liberal. 
Send for a copy of the “ Clover Leaf,” sknt free, 
comuinlnir full desnriptlori of machine, opinion und 
him’&wt 0 ? Vj®, 1,1 full. SUSTAINING the 
BI KDedirUL PA I ENTS, together with valuable in¬ 
formation on the Culture of Clover. 
BlltDSJBLK. MANUFACTURING CO., 
South Hi nd. Ind. 
Established in 1844. 
Address 
POWER 
PRESS. 
Double Platform 
BOOMER &B0SCHERT 
PRESS CO., 
Syracuse, N. Y. 
