THE RURAL HEW-YO 
RKER 
Hit anl( fumor. 
SPABK 8 AND SPLINTERS. 
Mebe ’airy nothings—bald heads. 
The Texas LegiBlathre proposes to exempt the 
dogs of widows and orphans from taxation. 
The Barlcises are willing.—Gom’l Adv. 
“ Is Satan married ?” asks the Chicago Times. 
No, he is a stingy, immoral old bachelor, and 
writes lying paragraphs about mothers-in-law, 
in order to scare young men away from matri¬ 
mony.—Appleton’s Journal. 
An optical delusion—Traveller: “Hi! guard! 
Have you seen a man walking about with one 
eye, of the name of Walker Guard (musing¬ 
ly) : “ N-no, sir, I dun-no as I 'av. What was 
the name of the other eye, sir ?" 
A fop took a seat in a railroad car beBide a 
young lady, but on perceiving she had a dog he 
moved oft with an air of trepidation. “Don’t be 
afraid,” she said with a reassuring tone; “Jip 
won’t bite you, he doesn’t like veal! ” 
“ Who waB the doubting disoiple ?’’ asked the 
Sunday-school teacher. “Peter,” promptly re¬ 
plied the Btuall bad boy. “No, ThomaB,” said 
the teacher. “Then what do people always say 
‘ Petered out' for ?” asked the smart bad boy. 
UNEXPECTED. 
Lady (returning from a ride) : “You know, Jane, I do not allow you to have your company 
the kitchen.” 
Jane : “ Then am I to take him into the parlor, ma’am !’’ 
in 
Befobe beginning the second psalm for the 
day, a Glasgow minister reached down into his 
pocket and took a pinoh of snuff. Even yet he 
cannot understand what there was in the first 
verse of the psalm to make the congregation 
laugh when he read : “My soul cleaveth to the 
dust.” 
A John Bull,, conversing with a Canadian In¬ 
dian, asked him if he knew that the sun never 
sets on the Queen’s dominions. "No," said the 
the Indian. “Do you know the reason why ?’’ 
asked John. “Because Heaven is afraid to trust 
an Englishman in the dark." was the savage’s 
reply. 
A cheek in a Philadelphia book-store, thinking 
to annoy a Quaker customer who looked as 
though he waB fresh from the country, handed 
him a vo'nme, sayiug: “Here is an excellent, 
essay on the rearing of calves." “ Thee had 
better present that to thy mother, young man,” 
was the spontaneous reply of the Quaker. 
A citizen w as arrested yesterday on a charge 
of shooting a neighbor’s dog. His defence was 
that the animal was a nuisance, continually bark¬ 
ing and biting, as is ils nature to. “Oh, ’said 
the Justice : “ then you shot the dog m self, 
defence?” “No!" was the rejoinder. “I 
shoots him in do head uu’er de fence.” He was 
acquitted. 
An obliging gentleman, who thinks that per¬ 
gonal favors do not cost much, while they make 
friends, was applied to by a negro for a certifi¬ 
cate of character, by whioh he might get a situ¬ 
ation. The testimonial proving to be more 
complimentary than Seipio himself expected, 
that woriby, on recovering from his astonish¬ 
ment, exclaimed : “ Say, Mr. -, won’t you 
gib me something to do yourself on dat recon 1 , 
mendation ?” 
Thebe was a little fellow who knew Mother 
Goose better than he know his Bible. One Sun¬ 
day be was asked in bis class, “ Whu were thrown 
into the fiery furnace ?” That was too much 
for him. The question was passed : the answer 
came promptly, “ Shradraeb, Meshaoh and 
Abeduego.” This was a mortification to the 
little fellow, and when the next question came, 
“ Who put them in?” he answered with, a jump 
“ Little Johuny Green 1" 
Commercial Bulletin Spice—Money doesn’t 
make the man, but twenty shillings make the 
sovereign.-When married men complain of 
being in hot water at home, it turns out half the 
time that it’s scold.-A correspondent who 
says he has frequently heard of “Tara's hauls," 
desires to know if old Tara was a bank president 
or a Fall River mill manager.-“England, sir! 
England rules the seas; Britannia rules the 
w’avcs,” pompously remarked an Englishman to 
an American. “That’s nothing,” was the re¬ 
ply, “every Yankee has a notion of his own.”- 
A young lady correspondent (poetic) desires to 
know if we have seen anything sweeter than 
“A Chaplet Alone.” Certainly, we have seen a 
chap let a girl kiss him, which was ever so much 
Bweeter. 
-4~*-*- 
Tliere Is Trouble ft 11 Store 
For those who neglect to rectify Irregularities of 
the stomach, liver and bowelB, which they fool¬ 
ishly Imagine will “ come right of themselves." 
Of this silly error such persons are usually dis¬ 
abused by the development of some serious 
chronic malady, traceable to what they were 
pleased to consider a trilling disorder of the 
above-named associate organs. Such a culmina¬ 
tion Is easily avoided. A course of Hostetters 
Stomach Bitters invariably has the effect of re¬ 
newing the secretive action of a torpid liver, 
restoring healthy digestion and assimilation, and 
rendering the habit of body perfectly regular. 
The activity of these all-important functions be¬ 
ing restored, and the entire system toned and 
regulated by this Incomparable corrective and In- 
vlgorant, no danger to the general health Is to be 
apprehended from causes wmch, If not eradicated 
In time, will assuredly undermine It. 
KINGSFORD’S 
Oswego Starch.! 
Is the BEST and MOST ECONOMICAL in the 
World. 
Is perfectly PURE —free from acids and other 
foreign substances that injure Linen. 
Is STRONGER than any other—requiring much 
less quantity in using. 
Is UNIFORM—stiffens and finishes work always 
the same. 
NEW EXCELSIOR LAWN MOWER. 
RECEIVED HIGHEST AWARD AT THE CENTENNIAL EXPOSITION. 
Important Features for the Season of 1878. 
REDUCTION IN’ PRICE! 
WEIGHT! L1GHTEK DRAFT! 
And Furnished with either Wheels or Holler. 
It lias been adopted, and can be seen In practical operation on 
-.. " — " — oktvn. n< 
the Public Purlin of New York, Broo 
OHtou, New 
ber hint, and ut many other trials and Agricultural Pairs ueld In 
In Kuropo and America, 
Six sines for hand power; four sizes for horse power. 
Our New Horse Mower Is conceded to be the LIGHT¬ 
EST and BEST Horse Lawn Mower ever made. 
N. B. -House and HAND Lawn Mowers are alike guaranteed 
in every respect. Address 
OHADBORN & COLD WELL M’F’G 00. 
Send for circular. Newb^rirh, N. *• 
DRY. HARSH, UNMANAGE¬ 
ABLE Hair, is rendered soft and glossy 
| \y Dr. Jayne’s Hair Tome. It stimulates the 
scalp, promotes the growth of the hair, and prevents it 
falling out It is also a capital dressing for the hair, 
and cleanses it from dandruff. __ 
THE UNION CHURN 
AT REDUCED PRICES. 
Introduced 18 years ago and 
50,0 t) now In actual use. The 
UNION is the acknowledged 
standard Churn of the country. 
Every Churn Is warranted to 
give satisfaction or returned 
at our oust. Easily operated, 
_ easily cleaned, and makes beau- 
s=, tiful butter by the extra work¬ 
ing of the dasher on thu but¬ 
ter wiiilu churning, five sizes, 
u»^— Churning from 3 to "5 gallons, 
owi't Uliurus 11 Specialty. Address 
TIFFIN UNION CHUUN CO-, Tiffin, Ohio. 
GUNS 
and Revolvers. Illustrated Price List free 
Great Western, Own Works, Pittsburg, Pa. 
1IDER PRESSES AND GRATERS. 
j Boomer & Bosctutar Pbess Co.. Syracuse, N. Y 
$2500 
A TRAIL Agents wanted. Busi¬ 
ness legitimate, Particulars free. 
Addresi J. WORTH A 00.,'St Louis, M«, 
ATTENTION, OWNERS OF HORSES! 
TIIE ZINC COLLAR 
PAD is the only reliable 
pad for sore-necked Horses, 
and Ut prevent galling, ever 
produced, and has been 
greatly improved. Being of 
metal, it always retains its 
luedialnal virtue; this no 
otl or tmd lm». Over a mil¬ 
lion in use. For sale by harness makers In sizes to 
warrant a fit. Manuf’d by ZINC COLLAR PAD CO., 
Buchanan, Mich. Ask your harness maker for them 
Halladay Standard, 
The only Wind Mill awarded 
TWO MEDALS 
and 
TWO DIPLOMAS 
by the 
CENTENNIAL JUDGES. 
Every machine warranted to ri 
be well made Of good mut 'rlal; 
to do good work in any kino 
of wind; to be perfectly self- 
regulating . to possess more 
power uud to be more relia¬ 
ble than any other Wind Mill 
made. 
Each piece Is fitted and num¬ 
bered so that a strung or can 
put the Mill up, using our 
drawings and printed Instruc¬ 
tions for a guide. 
Send for Cata¬ 
logue “ B ’’ and 
Price List. 
U.S. WIND ENGINE. 
& PUMP CO., 
BATAVIA, 111, 
TEAS REDUCED 
OUR TERMS ARE THE BEST. 
Send for our New Reduced Price List. 
THE GREAT AMERICAN TEA COMPANY 
P. O. Box 5643. 31 and 33 Yesey St., New York. 
THE UNION RAILWAY 
HORSE POWER 
& Premium Thresher. 
This Power produces 
much more power 
than other railway 
powers.witb much has 
elevation. 
93f Send for Descrip¬ 
tive Circular. 
Wm. L, Boyer & Fro 
2101 Germantown Av., 
Philadelphia, Pa. 
THE ORIGINAL & ONLY GENUINE 
“Vibrator” Threshers, 
WITH IMPROVED 
MOUNTED HORSE POWERS, 
And Steam Thresher Engines, 
Made only by 
NICHOLS, SHEPARD & 00., 
BATTLE CREEK, MICH. 
T HE Mntchless Gram-Saving, Time. 
Sat tag, a ad Maney-S»vliu Tbresllets of tills ilny and 
generation, lleyond all Rivalry for Rapid Work, Per. 
feet Cleaning, and lor Savins Oinln from Wastage, 
G RAIN Rainers will not Submit to the 
enormous waatage of Grain A*, top Inter lor work done by 
the otli.r niarblnm, when onco posted Dll the difference. 
T HE ENTIRE Threshing Expenses 
(and often S to 1. Times that amount, can bo untile by 
the Kitra Grain S/t Vkfr by tb.-.o Improved Machines. 
H O Revolving Shafts Inside the Sepa¬ 
rator, Kiitlrcky frue tiom Be ate re. Pickers, Baddies, 
Bird all sueh time-wasting and erain-tvaatlm,- compli¬ 
cations. Perfectly adapted to all Kinds and Conditions of 
Grain, Wet or pry, Look or Short, Headed or Bouurl. 
N OT only Vastly Superior for Wheat, 
Ok!*, Bailey, Bye, owl Ukfl Oral a*, but tho only Suc- 
ccuoful TiirMiiorui Flax, Timothy, Millet, Clover, atht 
like SeeiiH. Knjulrc* no 4i Attachment* M or “ rebuilding •* 
to change from Groin to Seed*. 
ARVELOUS for Simplicity of Parts, 
ufiimj than one-half Ilia usual cells anil Gear*. 
Makaa no Tillering* or Scattering** 
OUR Sizes of Separators Made, rang- 
Jt»g li'OUl hi* to Twelve Homo 8ix«s, and two style* OI 
Mounted Bono Power# to match. 
»TEAM Power Threshers a Specialty. 
^ A special elite Separator made txprcanly for Steam Lower. 
UR Unrivaled Steam Thresher En- 
jCtUfCS V*lili Valuable Improvement* and Distinctive 
Featured, far beyond an 3 other nmUe or kind. ~ 
I N Thorough Workmanship. Elegant 
Finish, i’arlucl loti i»f F.trlrt, Orilii pith* damn of Kquipnniit, 
etc., our “ Vimi,vT"K" Thraalmr OuilUa ure linoutpurubk*. 
rOR Particulars, call on our Denlers 
M 
F 
0 
\JT Self-oluslup. self-fastening, nrst mruirqtui 
each town for ;>G cls. in stamps. For Illustrated Cir¬ 
cular, address W. C. GlbFORP. Jamestown. >». Y. 
RARE EVERGREENS, 
IN QUANTITIES AND AS CHOICE SPECIMENS. 
Specialties: Magnolias, Japanese Maples, 
Rhododendrons. Hnrdy and Chinese Azaleas, 
Roses and Camellias. 
An Immense collection of Fruit and Orna¬ 
mental Trees and Shrubs. All THE VERY 
LATENT NOVELTIES. Price-List FllEE. De¬ 
scriptive Catalogue, 1U cts. 
One of our firm makes studies for picturesque lawn 
planting, in conjunction with J. Wbidebmann, au¬ 
thor of " Beautifying Country Homes.” Planting 
maps free to purchasers. 
PARSONS & SONS CO, (Limited.) 
Kissena Nurseries, Flushing, N. Y. 
TREE-BOX HOOPS. 
Hickory: 6 ft. lengths; car loads or smaller quan¬ 
tities. Address J. C. P A RSON3, 
N. W. Station, P. O., Chicago, Ills. 
THE AMERICAN HAY ELEVATOR. 
The most perfect, simple and only Elevator in* 1 " 
rinses Due uuy crum « Uuu cut liesU, nj o*‘ 111 any 
required distance. Economical, durable, lubor-sav- 
Ing. Send for Illustrated CircuffiriMin t d^nc|M-o 
1708 Barker 8t., Philadelphia, Pa. 
Branch Office: 55 Beekmun St., New York. 
■w sum a This is » combination of 
I l Ti fit capitalists to supply co»- 
P*i Rft s unices only throughout 
R JuXJuKJ the I'nlled Stales with 
PUKE TEAS on the 
utual principle, by getting up clubs. 8end for 
ew Price-List, 
CONSUMERS’ IMPORTING TEA CO., 
.0. Box 5609, No. 8 Church 8t., New York City 
GOLD PLATED WATCHES. CbeapWt 
.intho known world. Sample Watch 
)AffentS» Address, A. Coulter &Co., CUluitfO* 
Salary. Salesmen wanted to sell oar 
jjB ■■ Staple OooUk lodealcro, Nopcddllug- 
Expense. ta.,L 
