436 
THE 
UEW-YORKER. 
JULY 3 
The evil that men do lives after them. 
Cows likewise do not give oleomargarine 
until they are dead. 
“ I dess,” said a little sis, ‘ ‘ if Dod was here 
now he’d make a lot o’ folks. ’Tis awful dusty 
to-day.” 
If a boy should catch hold of your ear, and 
ask if he had the wrong pig by the ear, 
would you answer yes or no? 
•’ I am very much afraid of lightning,” said 
a pretty lady. “And well you may be,” re¬ 
plied a despairing lover, “as your heart is 
made of steel." 
“By George I" shouted a traveler, staring at 
the calendar card hanging up in the depot, 
1 ‘ if they haven’t got to playing the blamed 
puzzle on the walls.” 
“When I was your age,” said old Mr. Tret, 
“I rose with the lark.” “I beat you clear out 
of sight, then,” said Tom, wearily and triumph¬ 
antly, “I’ve been up all night with him." 
Mamma. —“ Look, Cissy, here is the dear doc¬ 
tor coming. What a favorite he is ! See, even 
the ii tile chickens run to meet him!" Cissy— 
•‘Yes, ma; and the little ducks cry, “Quack, 
quack 1” 
“I wish! was worth a million of dollars,” 
said a gentlemen. “ What good would it do 
you, for you don’t spend your present in¬ 
come?'’ inquired a friend. “Oh, I could be 
economical on a large Beale.” 
Absurd question.—A German lately applied 
for a situation as sailor on board a vessel lying 
in the North River. "Have you ever been to 
sou ?" asked the captain. “ Does you suppose 
I coined over from Germauy in a balloon ?” 
• • There Is no rule without an exception, 
my son." “ Oh, isn’t there, pa ? A man must 
always be present while he’s being Bhaved.” 
Ra to ma—“My dear, hadn’t you better send 
this child to bed. He’s getting too clever.” 
Pedestrian, who has dropped half a crown 
in front of ” the blind.” “ Why, you con¬ 
founded humbug, you’re not blind.’’ Beggar 
—“ Not I, sir ! If the card says I am, they 
must nave given me the wrong one. I’m deaf 
and dumb.” 
It was a colored preacher who said to his 
dock: “We have a collection to make this 
morning, aud, lor dc glory ob heaben, which¬ 
ever of you stole Mr. Jones’s turkeys, aou’tput 
auythiug on the plate.” One who was theie 
says, “Every blessed niggah in cdurch came 
down with the rocks.” 
A young man and woman stopped at a 
country hotel. Their awkward appearance 
exciied the curiosity of one of the family’, who 
commenced a conversation with the female by 
inquiring how far she had traveled that day. 
“Traveled!” exclaimed the stranger, some¬ 
what iudiguantly : “ we didn’t travel, we rid!” 
Butter? ¥ou remember the story of the 
guest who was eating more batter than biscuit, 
while the landlady looked on and fidgeted aud 
hinted until she fairly went into a nervous lit. 
Finally she said, “ Do you kuow butter is up 
to sixty-hve cents a pound?’’ The hungry 
guest reached out and took whal there was 
left. “ Weil, ’ he drawled, approvingly and 
reassuringly, “ good butter is wulh it.”— 
Hawkeye. 
A box in the wild West, who for the first 
time in his life saw a military company oat for 
a drill wnh fife and drum, gave his mother the 
following account of the business: “A little 
man blowed on his sqaealin’ stick, aud a big 
man that stood beside him hammered on his 
tnunder-box ; then the boss mau pulled out a 
big, loug kuife, aud shook it at the fellers 
what was staudin’ up in a long row, aud they 
ail walked off on iwo legs." 
“Did you make the train?” “No,” was the 
reply, “ it was made in the car shops.” “ 1 
mcau, did you ealeh the tiain?” “ Ol course 
not; it’s not iuiociious.” “ Well, you darned 
tool, did you arrive at the depot in time?’ 
“ No, you blamed idiot, 1 arrived in an omni¬ 
bus.” "Great Beoll!’ shrieked the interlocut¬ 
or. “did yuu board the ears?” “Jumping Je¬ 
rusalem!" howled the questioned mau, “yon 
know I dun t keep a boarding-house.” 
--♦ » » 
If About to Travel or emigrate, 
The voyager cannot be provided with a safer 
remedy and protective medicine than Hostetter’s 
Bitters. Abundant testimony exist to prove that 
it nullities inutlul climatic lnlluuuces and the 
effects oi exposure, that li reconciles the stomach 
to unaccusiomed tood and prevents Injurious re¬ 
sults train Impure water. Mariners, tourists, i mi¬ 
grants and miners nave all conn lDU'ed Uieir quota 
oi testimony in its Dedali, aud its protective influ¬ 
ence Hus been most effectually demouutraied in 
regions and under conulilous where, u not really 
effective, that fact would mug since have been ex¬ 
posed. in no class oi disorders Have its remedial 
and preventive properties been more conspicu¬ 
ously shown man in cases ot malarial level's, mal¬ 
adies lor which it is the most popular apeciue in 
existence, both here and In ttm tropics, where Its 
reputation is scarcely Becona to tnat widen it en¬ 
joys on Uds continent. It is, moreover, a most 
agreeable appetizer and nervine. _ 
PHASES OF TRAMP LIFE. 
1. The Writing on the Wall. | 2. Westward Ho! 
Metallic Shingles. 
Make the most durable and ornamental roofs in the 
world. One-fourth the weight of slate, and will not 
break from any cause; cannot blow off, and are abso¬ 
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RECTANGULAR <& SQUARE 
BOX ciiuuns. 
Cheapest and beet. No In¬ 
side fixtures, aud alwaus re¬ 
liable. Six sizes of nach kind 
made. Three sizes of tho 
Lever Butter Worker made. 
Best material used and every 
Churn aid Butter Worker 
warranted exactly as repre¬ 
sented. One Churn at whole- 
sale where we have no Agent. 
Send Postal far Circulars. 
CORNISH a CURTIS, 
Fort Atkinson, wls. 
3. Work not Wanted. | 4. Fishing for Supper. 
6. a Good use for Dogs—Big Ones! 
5. A Chance for Clean Clothes, 
Chambers’s Encyclopaedia. 
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