532 
THE RUSAL HIW-V 
nm. u 
amounts 
A Salem youth calls his lady love “ oleomar¬ 
garine,” because he hasn't any other but her. 
Bridget —“ And how shall I cnt the poie, 
mum?" Lady of the house—“Cut it into 
quarters.” Bridget—“ And how minny quar¬ 
ters wud I cut it into, mum ?” 
“My! what a steep hill I And see those 
ten or eleven wretches packed in one wagon 
that the poor staggering horse can hardly 
draw.” “Wretches? Them are all Christians, 
mum, going to camp-meeting.” 
“Shon,” said a Dutchman, “ you may say 
what you please’pout pad neighbors; I have 
had te vorst neighbors as never vas. Mine pigs 
and mine hens come home mit dere ears split, 
and todder day two of them cotae home miss¬ 
ing !” 
“ 1 suppose,*' said a punning lady to a sailor 
whom she saw holding the rudder of a boat, 
as she was eaunteriug on the seashore, “I 
suppose that your favorite tree is the ’elm.’’ 
“ Yes, madam," he responded, “ and I see that 
your favorite is the beach.” 
Too may say what you please about it, but 
there is luck in horse-shoes. A woman nailed 
one up against a woodshed a month ago, and 
last week the husbaud eloped with the hired 
girl. The man had not earned a cent for more 
than two years.—B. Dadd. 
Robinson (after a long whist bout at the 
club)— 1 “It is awfully late. Brown. What will 
you say to your wife ?” Brown (in a whisper) 
—"Ob, I shan't say much, you know. 1 Good 
morning, dear,’ or something of that sort. 
She’ll say the rest.”—Exchange. 
A pedagogue told one of his scholars, a 
son of the Emerald Isle, to spell hostility. 
“H-o-r-s-e, horse,” commenced Pat- “Not 
horse -tility,” said the teacher ; “ but hoss — 
tility.” “Sure," replied Pat, “ au’ didn’t ye 
tell me, only the other day, not to say hoss ? 
Faith! its lean thing wid ye one day, and 
another the nixt.” 
A general, sitting in front of a hotel in time 
of war, heard a newsboy crying his papers, 
“all about the battle.” The general bought a 
paper, but could not find the account of the 
engagement. Turning to the newsboy, he 
said: “Ido not see any battle.” “No," said 
the boy, "you never will if you sit here 
“I only want to show you one thing more, 
Professor, I have invented a short method of 
boring mountains which I think will prove 
very valuable,” "My dear sir," burst forth 
the wearied listener, “ if yon would only in¬ 
vent a short method of boring individuals 
you would indeed confer a lasting benefit upon 
the race.” 
“ How came these holes in your elbows ?” 
said a widowed mother to her only son. “ Oh, 
mother, 1 hid behind the sofa when Colonel 
Gobler was saying to Maria that he'd take 
her even if you had to be thrown in ; and he 
didn't know I was there; and so I held my 
tongue and laughed in my slesves till I burst 
’em.”—Little’s Living Age. 
A wealthy upstart goes to a sales stable to 
buy a pair of carriage horses. “ Here are a 
sample of fine English-bred mares,” says the 
proprietor. “ English-bred ! They will not 
do.” “Why?” “My coachman is a French¬ 
man,” “Well!” “If they were raised in 
England they couldn’t understand a word he 
said." 
An exchange says: “ A Boston artist painted 
an orange peel on the sidewalk so naturally 
that six fat men slipped down on it.” We 
would like the artist to call Ibis way and paint 
blocks of ice on our sidewalks about the pres¬ 
ent time, just for the purpose of ascertaining 
how mauy degrees cooler the imagination 
wonld make it.—WashiDgtou Star. 
“ Don’t get out of anybody’s way," advised 
Henry Ward Beecher. But, Mr. Beecher, when 
you recognize your landlord only half a block 
away, aud it iE three days past rent day, aud 
there are two cross street*, au alley and three 
four-story stair-ways with rear exits winking 
at you from the near side of the street—are 
we—is a man, that is, to go straight ahead and 
collide with the landlord? Oh, nonsense! 
what kind of talk is that to give u debt-laden 
people, with money at 9 per cent., and your 
Bummer doilies not paid for? 
An Inevitable RoNult. 
Debility Is au inevitable consequence of pro¬ 
longed Indigestion. There Is no lunctlon whose 
vigor and activity is not impaired by this prollflc 
cause or bodily evil. Secretion Is lnterferred with, 
the nervous system Is weakened and melancholia 
or despondency Is superinduced by Irregularity or 
weakness of the stomach. But though dyspepsia 
and its attendedant symptoms In many cases re¬ 
sist the operation of ordinary remedies, they can¬ 
not withstand the action or Hostetler's Stomach 
Bitters, a medicine to whoso career ot popularity, 
the annals of proprietary medicine afford few, ir 
any parallels, it is not only a remedy but a pre¬ 
servative of health, enabling the system to with¬ 
stand malarial and other extrinsic influences pre¬ 
judicial to health, depurating and enriching the 
the blood, aDd restoring Derve power and tran¬ 
quility. As a medicinal stimulant and corrective 
It Is highly commended by physicians, who have 
thoroughly tested Its good qualities. 
Metallic Shingles. 
Make tlio moat durable and ornamental roofs in the 
world. One-fourth the weight of slate, aud will not 
break from any cause; canuot blow off, and are abso¬ 
lutely tight. Head for descriptive circular and re¬ 
duced prices to 
IKON CLAD IVIF’G- CO., 
22 Cliff St., New York. 
AMERICUS CIDER MILL 
Miiiue-i 'll 
stablished 1848 
ft^T HREEPyiVE RsMlCH 
VI BRating thresHE 
MASON & HAM LI N 
O R CANS. 
HIGHEST HONORS AT ALL 
GREAT WORLDS EXHIBITIONS 
for thirteen years; 
s 51 to S50 0 aud upwards. 
TOR EASY PAYMENTS 
46.38 per quarter aud upwards 
uiL/sr^ATSD CArAiocues 
MA50N&HAMLIN ORGANIC? 
BOSTON. NEW VORK.CHICAGO 
WHITMAN’S PATKN T. 
WHITMAN AUUICULTUKAL CO., 
Saint LoiiIm, Mo, 
OUT. (AT ALL THE LIBRARIES.) 
“ How did you like Convict Life, dear ?” 
pretty well. We’ve Just begun Ten Years’ Penal Servitude. Some of ua 
Good gracious ! What dreadful creatures! so young, too !” [Looks 
Here You Have It! 
SWEET CIDER ! SWEET CIDER ! 
BIG GIANT CORN MILL 
\ mill that will vjiud lit tv to sixty bushels of 
Apples per hour, combined with a press that will press 
Sevuntv-five gallons at a pressing. Do not fail to 
send for our New Illustrated Catalogue of Cider 
Machinery, manufactured by the 
HIGGANTJM M’F’G CORPORATION, 
IliggU-iiitm, Ct. U, 8. A. 
Manufacturers of Agricultural Implements of every 
description. 
Every Man His Own Miller. 
The. only Mill that will 
grind Corn with Shuck on 
without extra expense. The 
only Mill grinding Corn and 
—Cob succoshlully that will 
- t grind Shelled Corn tine 
enough for family use. 
as iA •, Grind*twice as fast u« ar.y 
3?©//, ® ether Mill ot same size und 
l&er r .tr-' price- Manufactured by 
'- ; --JPt'jmief:** J • A * field, son & co. 
022 n. 2d st.. st. Louis 
COLUMBIA BICYCLE. 
*T Bicycle riding Is au accompli ph- 
(5?* meat easily acquired, ami is rapid- 
///\V ly becoming the moat, popular of 
f {//%\ out-door sports; up a health restoru- 
tive it is invaluable, bringing into 
action every muscle or the body, 
Spr/L strengthening the lungs, and in- 
}/vC- vigoratlng tins wearied brain. The 
practicability of the machine is 
yy xlTJ genemliy conceded throughout the 
A CUKE for the most prevalent and fatal dis¬ 
eases ihm, ntBiet mankind FOUND AT EAST. 
Internal medicines never did nor never can cure 
KIDNEY Dl.NEANE. STOP IT NOW: apply 
Day’s Kidney Pad AT ONCE, and be cured of 
all affentlnna of the Kidney*, Bladder and 
Urinary Organs. It is the only trealment 
that wilt cure NEKVOCN AND PHYSICAL 
DEBILITY, and that distressing complaint, 
"BACK ACHE.” It will annually save mauy 
times Its cost m medicines and plasters, which at 
best give but temporary relief. Sold by Druggists 
or sent by niiiil on receipt of price, R 2 . our book. 
“How a Lite Was saved, 1 ’ giving a history of 
this new discovery and a large record Of most 
remarkable cures, sent free. Write for it. 
DAY KIDNEY PAD CO., Toledo. O. 
PAYNE'S FARM ENGINES 
**“ country, and the thousands of bl- 
i m daily use are constantly increasing in uum- 
Hend Sc. stamp for catalogue, with price list aud 
uformatlon. THE PU’K M'rft CO.. 
88 Summer Street, Boston. Mass. 
HICHMON D, IND 
Manufacturers of 
ZaiZsZs STONES 
and 
Flouring Mill Machmerv. 
W e manufacture _ 
the beat French Burr fLa-TTlJS J J 
CORN AND FEED MILLS ''WB 
in the country. Send fijlflL j 
for description and .yjyj ||| W jjf 
State you saw this 
In KUHAL N.-Y. 
Patent snark-arreRtiug Farm aud Dairy Engines of 
all sizes, from 2 to 12 borne-power, mounted or un 
mounted. Warranted to be the Best nnd Cheapest 
engines made. Prices from 8150 upwards. Send 
for Illustrated Catalogue “ A " which will give you 
full information and prices to 
B. \V. PAYNE A SONS, 
Box 8-11, Corning, N. Y. 
Bead stamp w* ;i 
Rifles, ShotGuna, Kevolvtrx. *«ut c. o. d. for examination 
Breech-Loading .Shot Guns, $20 to $390, Double Shot 
(funs, to $160. Bingle Guns. $3 to $20. Kifles and Cart¬ 
ridges. $s to $76. ftevoKsrs.$1 t'> $25. Send stamp 
for lucit List GREAT WKSIKliN GUN UUKX8. 
1‘ittnbnrg. Pa. 
all styles, Gold. Silver and Nickel, $K.00to 
l$lf)(i ChalnB. etc., sent 0. O. D., to be ex¬ 
amined. Write for Catalogue to Htundard 
American Watch Co., Pittsburg, Pa 
Do Your Own 
Printing! 
For Young 
or Old. 
1IDER PRESSES AND GKATERS. 
J Boomer .V Borchert Press Co., Syracuse. N. Y 
k^T7^ -v vll* Press for carda.envelops, etc, 
l v iSrasK™/ 14other sixes, $14, $25, $44. &o. 
[ “• J Type settiug easy by printed In- 
_ Lv ” J 1 t *- l structions. Do your own printing 
'TwA and advertising. Money madefast 
T in any place Jobbing or ruxminga 
paper. Catalogue of Presses, Type, Cards, &c., for 2 
stamps. Kelsey <fc Co., Mau’i’rs, Meriden, Conn 
NOR 
W FERTILIZING CO. 
UNION STOCK YARDS, 
Oliicagro, Ill. 
NOTICE TO AGENTS 
Any rospectable person may become our Agent. 
Postmasters are requested to act as our Agents. 
A Cash Commission of Twenty-Five Cents will be 
allowed Agents for each yearly aubacriber. 
One name or a dozen names may be forwarded at 
Any time. Credit Is given the Agent for every name 
sent until canceled by Premium. 
Address 
’HIUOEIPHIi 
>50000 I 
G.T0NS. 
rsncuis 
lisuoo 1 
[TONS i 
;hica«o 
25000 ! 
iTONS J 
I0NE MANURE 
our bone man Odes stand without a rival tor Wheat and Grass. Every Bag guaranteed. 
They are dry, and drill with regularity. %3>~ Send for Circulars. 
THE RURAL. NEW-YORKER, 
34 Park How, N. Y 
