THE RURAL NEW-YORKER 
OverC.15,000 in 
nac. 
A toting man with his first goatee may be 
said to have a tuft time of it, 
Garlic is said to be a sovereign remedy for 
gout. There is no remedy for garlic. 
A jockey calls his horses Kerosene and Pe¬ 
troleum, because they arc a paraillne steeds. 
When the Sultan loses his tamper, the ladies 
of the household speak of him as a harem-scare- 
’em fellow. 
There is a very suggestive proverb which 
declares that “There are a great many asses 
with short ears.” 
If a woman were to change her sex, why 
could she no longer be a Christian ?—Because 
she would be a he(a)then. 
Hood, in describing the meeting of a man 
and a lion, said: “ The man ran oil with all his 
might, and (he liou with all his mane." 
A romantic young man says that a young 
woman’s heart, is like the moon—it changes 
continually, hut always has a man in it. 
The young man who wrote and asked his 
gi 1 to accept a “bucket" of flowers became a 
little pale when she said she wooden ware it. 
Little boy at the opening of a proposed 
spelling-match—“Let’s start fair,grandmother. 
You take * Nebuchadnezzar ' and I’ll take ; cat.’ ” 
Wife of his Buzzum. “Was that the kiss 
of dooty or kiss of affection, Mr. Bodger?" 
Mr. Bodger. “ I decline to answer that ques¬ 
tion.” 
A Chicopee, Mass., small boy declined to 
eat soup at dinner the other day. ou the ground 
that he hadn’t any teeth that were little enough 
for soup.” 
The class in German grammer is on the sub¬ 
ject of genders. “ Miss Flora, why is ‘ moon' 
masculine in German ?” “ So that she can go 
out aloue nights, I suppose." 
“Did you do nothing to resuscitate the 
body ?" was recently asked of a witness at a 
coroner’s inquest. “Yes, sir; we searched 
the pockets,” was the reply. 
The latest waltz is called “The W r ave.” It 
is very pleasant to watch the buoys bobbing 
up and down to the music of the dance.— 
New York Commercial Advertiser. 
The laugh has gone around at the expense 
of a State Street, Bostou, young man, because 
he was overheard to say that he wished he had 
the “facilities for a curtain lecture.” 
A courtly negro recently sent a reply to an 
invitation, in which he “regretted tJi&t cir¬ 
cumstances repugnant to the acquiescence 
would prevent his acceptance to the invite." 
A little boy, weeping most piteously, was 
interrupted by some unusual occurrence, He 
hushed his cries for a moment, the thought 
was broken, “Ma,” said he, resuming bis 
sniffle, "what was I crying about just now?" 
“ Ye 9.” said a young lady, who was possess¬ 
ed of a fine voice, “ I am often asked to appear 
in public, but—" “But what?” observed a 
friend. “Well," she replied, “I should never 
be able to sustaiu my party. I am so easily 
decomposed." 
“ Aren’t you rather too old to ride for half 
price ?” said a ticket clerk to the elder of two 
boys. “ Well." remarked the youth, “ I am 
under fourteen, and this boy with me is under 
six. That don't make twenty, and you will 
take two boys uuder ten for half each.” And 
he took them. 
The graceful curvilinear 8 i6 mustered out, 
old and crippled, and sent to the asylum of 
superannuated years; and the blunderbuss is 
handed to the brave new recruit, the topheavy 
9, with the bulgy forehead and the inadequate 
underpinning. “ Halt and give the counter¬ 
sign !’*—New York Graphic. 
As an old colored man and his son stopped 
in front of an unmbrclla store, the son saw' 
some umbrellas with covers on them, and 
questioned his father: “What's de covers on 
them dar um'rellas for ?" “ Why, chile, dem’s 
put ober de um'rellas to keep ’em dry when it 
rains," was the father’s response. 
The Hard-headed Breed.—Sympathizing by¬ 
stander about an unfortuuate man who has 
been knocked dow T n and stunned by the train. 
“Poor man! Take him to the station,” Injured 
one (recovering). “ Tyek me to the station ? 
What for, then ? If aw’ve dune ony harm to 
y’or enginn, aw’B willin’ to pay for’t.” 
A pair of scissors was lost, and the little 
one suggested that a prayer be said, asking 
that they might be found. There was, how¬ 
ever, a lurking consciousness that there ought 
to be a combination of prayer and work, so the 
youthful philosopher said : “ Now, Mother, 
I’m tired; so I’ll pray while you hunt.” 
It is not true that Bertha Von Ilillern has 
paralysis of the 1 —. Now, before we complete 
the word let us relieet. If we go on and say 
“—egs,” some awfully particular folks will 
stop their subscriptions, and if we say “—imbs” 
the other crowd will accuse us of mock modesty. 
Guess we won’t finish the sentence. Anyhow, 
she hasn’t got paralysis. 
bas atiii ur. i„.. i v . uko i’st i an i?', a till* We can-- 
tlou .-ill purtiti. ugainrt buying Feed Mills that in¬ 
fringe on said Patents. 
For Descriptive 1 Ireular of Feed Mills. Wind Mills. 
Com Hhehers. Feed Cutter*, Horse Powers. Wood 
Sows, Steamers, Pumps, etc, undress 
1 HAI . L K XCF, M U,I, ((>., Until via, |||. 
/ lIFFOIt IPS MV1M1IN6 STANChTonT 
a* Self-closing, self-fastening- First farm right 1 
curb town fur 30 eta. in stamps. For Illustrated Cti 
-nlar. adaross W. C. (»1 KFORf). Jamestown. N. \ 
Producer. 
Middleman 
Consumer, 
“Who was it rang, Bridget?" “ It was a 
man, ma’am.” “What w'as his name?” “I 
doan know, ma’am He axed fer yer hnsban’, 
ma’am, and he is not got home." “ What kind 
of a looking man was he?” “Sure, ma’am, 
he was a—he was red-headed, an' tall, an’ he 
had a—a predicament in his spache, ma’am !” 
She wept, the poor laundress, ou returning 
five shirts, where her patron had entrusted her 
with six, and confessed that she had burned a 
big hole in the sixth while ironing. “ Never 
mind.” says, kindly, her customer; “Christmas 
comes but once a year, and that ’ll be all right. 
How much do I owe you ?’’ “ Six shirts at 121 
cents each—75 cents." “But, I say, you burned 
one of ’em up." “ Well, suppose I did. Hadn’t 
I washed it before I burned it ? Go along wid 
ye; trying to chate a poor dissolute widow.”— 
New York World. 
ja fN Tin* is u combination ol 
* ■ 1 k fl capitalists to supply con- 
M J turners only through out 
the United States with 
. . , _ PURE TKAH on the 
mutual principle, by getting up clubs. Send for 
New Price-List. 
■•Rv Jitnual Cntnlotrvt of table and 
Plotter Seed for 1879, rich In engravings, from 
original photographs, will be sent FRKK. to all who 
apply. Customers of lust season need not write for 
It. I offer one of the largest collections ot vegetable 
seed ever sent out byanv seed husein America, a 
large portion of which were grown on my six seed 
farm*. Pitntnt direction# Jor cultivation on each 
piirimpf. All seed warranted la hr both fresh and true 
to name • so far. that should It prove otherwise, Twill 
refill the order gratis. The original Introducer of the 
Hubbard bqu.*h, Phlnncw’sMelon, Marblehead Cab¬ 
bage--. Mexican Corn,and scores of other vegetables, 
1 inTlto the patronage of all who are anxious o have 
their tied direct Jrom the grower; fresh, true, and ol the 
wry hex! strain. 
C0N8UHKSS 1 IflPOKTIKG TEA CO 
P-O. Box ACT No. n Oh arch at.. New Tort City. 
,$3 Press 
tic. (Snlf-mWr |5) 9 Lnrj;*r Mi 
For buMne**, ntcniare, young or o 
Catalogue of PnicMu, Typo, El 
ror J H ELgEV JUi c. 
^ Meriden, ©or 
His Own 
Printer 
A GREAT OFFER FOR 
HOLIDAYS!!! 
We will during; the HOLIDAYS dispose of 100 
PIANOS & ORGANS, at EXTRAORDINARY 
IX)W prices for eaata.SPLENDID ORGANS 2 3. 
3 sets of reeds @63, 3 sets with Sub Boas and 
Conpler *80, 2 gets *30, 1 set *40, 1 set @33. 
7 Octave c.'I ROSEWOOD PIANOS *130,7 1-3 
do @ 1 40, warranted for SIX years. AGENTS 
WANTED. Illustrated Catalogues Dialled. 
Music at half price, HORACE WATERS <fc 
SONS, Manfrs-ond Deal ere,4U £. l4tb.,Si.,N.Y. 
VY A N TE D.-HEVEILAL ENTERPRISING 
v v young X armers, to take u .mull Interest in a large 
Truck Farm, worked on a co-operative plan. They 
will secure constant emploimerit, good wages, a 
pleasant home and a chance to make money. Write 
to Mr. KLL18, Gumton, Vu., for particulars. 
THE LAWRENCE ENGINE 
Our Tenure of Life 
Depends In great measure upon our regard for or 
neglect of the laws of health. If we violate them 
we cannot expect to “ make old bones.” But that 
the span of existence allotted to a naturally deli¬ 
cate constitution, or one whleh has been shaken by 
disease may be materially lengthened, Is a fact iM 
which we have dally proof. The vlvyfytng and ll 
storative influence ot Hostetler's Stomach Bitters 
upon a failing physique affords a striking Illus¬ 
tration of the power of Judicious medication to 
strengthen the hold on life. Restored digestion, 
complete assimilation, renewed appetite, sound re¬ 
pose, these are among the benefits conferred upon 
the debilitated by that supreme renovant. With a 
circulation enriched, a frame invigorated, and a 
nervous system tranqulllzed, the Invalid, after a 
course of the Bitters, feels that tils life-tenure Is no 
longer the precarious thing that It was—that he 
may yet enjoy a “green old age." 
INTERNA!IGflAL DAIRY FAIR 
OWE TlTPT HMA lb" onto uwurdf or Arli- 
Xi Dll LUillXX Color, was given to 
Wc llf, K-icl nirdson ifc Co’* PERFECTED 
BUTTER COLOR 
Oner Six Compe/i'ort.for " .Tuj'trinr Pur in/, Strength, 
Ptr/rcUem of Color ,and Permannire ” Much olt lie 
Prixe Uniter wan colored with It. give IT a 
TRIAL. At-k your Druggist or Miirchuut for it: or to 
know what it. is,what it routs, whore to got it; write 
Wells, Kiohaiioson & Co., Proprs., Burlington,Vt. 
THE BEST FARM ENGINE IN THE WORLD. 
AUTOMATIC CUT-OFF. 
LESS FUEL, LESS WATER, LESS REPAIRS 
THAN any other PORTABLE ENCINE. 
No Commission to Agents ! 
Bottom Prices to Purchasers ! 
Engines fer all purposes, with amt without Wagons. 
If you need Cheap Power, semi for an Illustrated 
Catalogue. 
ARLINGTON & SIMS, Lawrence, Mass. 
Armlnutoii & Sima wore lnU-ly with I hk J. 0. RtUOlCY Co. 
rWlMTl A a AHEAD ALL THE TIME. 
I 14 , Mm T , he ror f best Iresh goods 
I J mm L I . direct from tne importers 
mm * nt half the usual cost. Bo?t 
plan to Club Agents and 
large buyers. All express oharges paid. Quality 
guaranteed. New terms free. 
THU OR.BAT ABXURIOAN TBA CO. 
P. O. Box 4236. 31 and XI V«*ev 8t.. N iV 
Halladav Standard 
ADVERTISING RATES » 
Inside, 14th and 16th pages (Agate space), ,40c. per line, 
“ 18tb page..... 60 " 
Onteide or last page. 60 * 
Fifty per ct. extra for unusual display. 
SpecialNotlcee,leaded, by count___ 78 •• 
Beading “ ...1.00 “ 
Discount on 4 Insertions, 6 per ct.; 8 Ins., 10 per ot i 
The only Wind Mill awarded 
TWO MEDALS 
and 
TWO DIPLOMAS 
by the 
CENTENNIAL JUDGES. 
Every machine warranted to 
be well madeot good mat rial; 
to do good work in any kind 
of wind; to be perfectly self • 
regulating: to possess more 
power and to be more relia¬ 
ble than any other Wind Mill 
made. 
Each piece I* fitted and num¬ 
bered so that u stranger can 
S iut the Mill up, using our 
irawiugs and printed Instruc¬ 
tions for a guide. 
we sell EVERYTHING for the 
A/4o\A/ I4AI If V/AA UinriMVUO, V VVt % U LUO. , IV ^ri 1 
18 ins., 16 per ct.; 86 Ins., 80 per ot; 68 Ins., 86 per ot 
tr No advertisement Inserted for less than 83. 
Prised Illoatrsied C.l.logu.* Free oo applioatloo. 
PETER HENDERSON&C 0 
35 CORTLIMOT ST.. NEW YORK, 
I at Paris Exposition. 
L Awarded 1st Pt'ize Medal 
over all others. 
H We build IT sizes Wind 
9 Mills for Fa m Pumps and 
J Power Purposes. 
The strongest Wind Mill 
In the world. 
Send for Catalogue No. 4. 
ECLIPSE WIND Mill CO., Beloh. wo. 
ll D Fit PRlifvSKs AND GRATER-4. 
* Woonxu A BOW'* ««t Phkss Co. grracuae. N.Y 
Jluli tins 1UACBI6E 
I tan saw more saw 
Jogs or cord Wood than 
any 4 men. -' 
8end for Cata¬ 
logue “ B ” and 
Price List. 
HIGH-CLASS POULTRY. 
iSend for New Practical, Valuable Circular, 
GKO. 8. J08BKLYN. Fredonia. N. Y. 
II. S. WIND ENGINE 
& PUMP CD., 
Batavia. III. 
Tills SAW MACirrNE is a wonderful in¬ 
vention. The weight of the man who is 
Hawing does one-half of the work It saws 
Jogs of any size, and will saw off a 2 foot 
Jog in 2 minutes. Circulars free. Address, 
Win. GILES, Box 338, Cincinnati, Ohio. 
1832 ] MERIDEN CUTLERY COMPANY [1879 
MUUDKN OUTLXAT 
COMPANY. 
Electro-Plated Ware, German Silver and Britannia Spoons 
The “REGENT.” 
Factories, Wallinerford, Conn. Salesroom, 75 Chambers St., New York 
