<£®it ani) ijitmor. 
The baby rolls upon the floor, 
Kicks up hi« tiny feet. 
And pokes hi» toes Into his mouth. 
Thus making both ends meet. 
The dot? attached to a tin pall. 
Goes howling- down the street. 
And, as he madly bites his tail, 
He maketh both ends meet. 
The butcher slay* the pensive pig. 
Cuts oil' bis ears and feet. 
And grinds them in a sausage big— 
Thus making both ends meat 
The farmer coops his skinny liens. 
And feeds them with choice wheat; ■" 
The means must justify the ends, 
And so he makes them eat. 
| Siiinet/ Lanier. 
BANKS’S BABIES. 
A Parent’s Difficulties in Getting His Chil¬ 
dren Baptized. 
I was detained over Sunday In Barnsbury, and 
on Sunday morning I resolved to go to cuurch. The 
first church I came to, a small frame structure 
with a wooden steeple, had the doors and windows 
tightly shut, but there was a man sitting on the 
frout steps whittling a slick, and I said to him : 
“ Are you connected with this church V" 
“Yes,” he said, “ I'm the sexton.” 
“ What Is It closed for V” 
Well, mostly on account, of Banks’s babies.” 
“ Babies?” 
“Sit down, and I’ll tell you about it. You know 
Banks, he came to this town to live a few weeks 
ago a perfect stranger, and he rented a pew In this 
church. It seems that Banks had three little 
babies, triplets, not more’n two months old, and 
then, besides these, he had twins about a year old. 
So nobody knew about the babies, but Banks 
wanted to have the little darlings baptized, and 
he allowed to Mrs. Banks that u> rush the whole five 
babies into church on one Sunday might excite 
remark, you understand. So he settled It that 
he'd hav3 'em christened gradually, so to speak. 
Accordingly the next Sunday he fetched little .Jim¬ 
my, one of the triplets, and all went off well 
enough. On the followin’ Sunday he come a prom¬ 
enadin’ up the aisle with George Washington, 
another triplet, and Ur. Blnns, our preacher, he 
fixed him up all right. People thought It was 
queer, but when on the next Sunday mornln’ 
Banks and his wife carne Into church with another 
baby, William Henry, crying like a Pawnee war- 
whoop, some of the fjlks couldn't help snickerin', 
llowsomdever. nobody complained, and all might 
have been well If Banks hadn’t come along the 
Sunday after with Elijah Uunulker Banks, one or 
the twins. Everybody laughed and Mr. and Mrs. 
Banks were rurlous—mad as anything, you know ; 
and when Elijah iiunslker Banks hauled off acci¬ 
dentally with his hand and hit Ur. Blnns, who was 
.holding him during the ceremony, a whack In the 
:tace, and the Doctor dropped him In the water, 
i the congregation just fairly reared with laughter. 
Mrs. Banks turned red as fire and looked as If she 
would like to murder somebody. 
■« well, you know, we all thought this was the 
last, and public deeding kinder simmered down on 
toward the end of the week, when who should 
come booming up the aisle on Sunday morning 
■but Mr. and Mrs. Bauks, with Tecumseh Aristotle 
Banks, the remat atu twin! Well, you ought just 
to ’ve heard that congregation laugh! I never 
seen nothin’ like It In all my experience. Even 
Dr. Blnns had lo smile. And the Bankses, they 
were perfectly wild with rage. Anyhow, they 
baptized Tecumseh; and after meetln’ some of the 
elders got joking about, it. One, they’d have to 
apply to the town supervisors for an extension of 
the water works; another allowed that arrange¬ 
ments ought to be made to divert Huckleberry 
creek and run It down the middle aJsle of the 
church; another made some kind of a joke about 
business being good because so many banks were 
In town; another said that Banks would need 
about twelve pews when Ills family grew up. 
Somebody must have told Banks about it, for wbat 
does he do to revenge himself ? He sends down to 
Clarlan county to his two slaters to come and bring 
their children. So they had a couple of babies 
apiece, and as soon as they arrived Banks he be¬ 
gins to bring them to church gradually, like the 
i others. You never seen such meetings as them [ 
/The church was jammed lull and people just, roar¬ 
in'. And when Banks came in on Sunday with the 
ftourth and last of his sisters’ babies, the trustees 
thought It was time to Interfere. Gettln’ to be a 
.farce, you know. So Deacon Smith he stepped up 
and said somethin’ or other to Banks, and Banks, 
quicker 'n a wink. Laid down the baby and banged 
the deacon with hts fist. And so, I dunno how it 
was, but in a minute there was Banks and Deacon 
Smith and Deacon Hubbard, and Banks's sister’s 
baby and me, all a rollin’ and a bumpin’ over the 
floor, hlttln’ and kickin’ and whoopin’ In a man- 
.ner that was ridiculous to behold. 
••And when we all come to and got straightened 
out, Banks picked up the battered baby of bis 
sister and quit, and the trustees held an Informal 
meetln’ and agreed to close the church for a month 
so’s to kinder lreeze Banks out, and now we’ve 
shut up; but I reckon it Is no use, for I hear Banks 
has got his back up and gone over and joined the 
Baptists.” 
So I said good day to the sexton, and went In 
search of another sanctuary. 
-- 
“ SALUTING THE BEIDE.” 
Thebe was a marriage at the upper end of the 
Detroit, Lansing and Nurtheru road the other day. 
A great big chap, almost able to throw a car r load 
of lumber off the track, fell in love with a widow 
who cooked for the hands In a saw-mill, and af¬ 
ter a week's acquaintance, they were married. The 
■ boys around the mill lent William three calico 
shirts, a dress coat and a pair of white pants, and 
THE RU RA« NEW-YORKER 
V eteran €orn Shelter 
FOR HAND OR POWER. 
Just the Thing for Mill, Farm or Plan¬ 
tation. 
Power nml lliitid Cori>8''beller« of nil »lzc» 
anti to Ktiit nil wants. 
HOJR.SK POWK-.HS, JACKS, «Sco. 
Write for Descriptive Circulars and prices. Ad¬ 
dress -SANDWICH ItlANUE’G I'll.) 
Sandwich, Illinois. 
A Practical Hoad Ifachine. 
Endorsed by the medi¬ 
cal profession as triiu 
most healthful of out¬ 
door sports. It aug¬ 
ments three-fold Use 
locomotive power of any 
ordinary man. Send 8e. 
stand > for price-list and 
21 -puge catalogue. 
THE POPE MFQ. CO., 
Rfl Summer 8t.. Boston. 
potted S | nAWbtnn Y plants. 
For Garden planting very ext ra stock. SUarpless. 
Forest Koee, Downer’s Proflflc, Beauty, Continental 
and Cinderella, fiU cte. per dost, or 6 di>z. for $3.00. Cres¬ 
cent, Centennial Favorite, Great American, Boydou, 
elms. Downing, Capt. Jack, lo els per aoz.; 6 doz. for 
$2.oo securely packed and delivered al express oilico; 
not lees than one do] I or ’r worth sent. Address, F. h. 
PERRY. Canandaigua, N. Y.,or WJI, I'KIIUVA; 
HON, Bridgeport, Conn. Plants shipped from either 
place. Our new Catalogue describes. NEW APPLES, 
PKAUS. PEACHES, QUINCES, GRA Pl’.S.Wc. 
chippy In a purse of about $20, and tlie couple 
started for Detroit on a bridal tour within an hour 
after being married. 
“ This ’ere lady,” explained William, as the con¬ 
ductor came along for tickets, “ are my bride. J ust 
spliced fifty-six minlts ago. Cost $2, but durn the 
cost! She’s a lllly or tbe valley, Mary Is, and I’m 
tbe right tower lu a new pack or keerds. Con¬ 
ductor, sa-iute the bride i" 
Tbe conductor hesitated. The widow had 
freckles and wrinkles and a turnup nose, and 
kissing the bride was no gratification. 
“ Conductor sa-lutc the bride or look out for 
tornadoes!” continued William, as he rose up and 
shed his coat. 
The conductor sa-luted. It was the best thing 
he could do just then. 
“ 1 never did try to put on style before,” mut¬ 
tered William, “but I’m bound to see this thing 
through If I have to fight all of Michigan. These 
’ere passengers has got to come to the chalk, they 
has.” 
The car was full. William walked down the 
aisle, waved his hand to command attention, and 
said— 
" I’ve Just been married: over there sots the 
bride. Anybody who wants to sa-lute the bride 
kin do so now. Anybody who don't want to will 
liev cause to believe that a tree fell upon him!” 
one by one the men walked up find kissed tbe 
widow, until only one was left. He was asleep. 
William reached over and lifted him Into a sitting 
position atone movement and commanded: 
** Ar you going to dust over thar’ and kiss the 
bride?” 
“ Blarst your bride, and you too,” growled the 
passenger. 
William drew him over the back of the seat, laid 
him down lu the aisle, tied ills leg3 in a knot, and 
was making a bundle of btrn Just a size to go 
through the window, when the man caved and 
went over and sa-luted. 
Mow, then,” said William, as he put on Ills coat, 
” this bridal tower will be resumed as usual, and 
If Mary and me squeeze hands or git to laying 
heads on each other’s shoulders 1 shall demand to 
know who lafled about It, and I’ll make Mm e-mag- 
lne that I’m a hull boom full of the blggost kind 
of saw logs, an' more cornin’ down on the next 
rise. Now, Mary, Mtcli along an’ let me git my 
aria around ye.” 
have observed and commented upon the prejudice 
which seems to exist against ice-water and iced 
drinks in all countries outside the United states. 
The Englishman and the German fairly shun Ice, 
though placed In easy reach of boundless quanti¬ 
ties of it, and the Frenchman who sips the fight 
wines would as soon think or taking an emetic as 
of chilling Ills stomach with an iced draught. Our 
drug friend points to the fact that Bright's disease 
has kept pace in this country with the Increased 
consumption of Ice, and claims that before lcc be¬ 
came a common household necessity the malady 
w f as scarcely known among physicians. There, 
may to something In tills theory.— BaHo. GAzetin. 
Benefits of Farinaceous Diet.— Liebig’s theory 
that liquor-drinking Is not compatible, wlib farina¬ 
ceous diet seems to have been corroborated by an 
English scientific man. who has been trying tbe 
experiment on 27 liquor-drinking persons. A strik¬ 
ing Instance of reform was shown in the case ol a 
man of 00, who had been intemperate for :ir, years, 
and was In tbe habit of taking a spree about once 
a week, ills constitution was so shattered that he 
had great dldloulty In obtaining insurance on his 
life. After an attack of delirium tremens, which 
nearly proved ratal, he was induced to live upon 
farinaceous food, which In seven months entirely 
removed hla desire for liquor, and lie became per¬ 
fectly sober, lie lost flesh at the beginning iff the 
experiment, but regained It after two or three 
months. Among the articles of food mentioned 
as especially antagonistic to alcohol are lentils, 
dried beans, barlcot beans and macaroni, all of 
which should be well boiled and seasoned with 
plenty of Butler or olive oil. ordinary garden 
vegetables are said to be provocative of temper¬ 
ance, but much less than farinaceous diet. The 
carbonaceous starch contained In macaroni, beaus 
and oil seems to renter unnecessary, and therefore 
repulsive, the carbon resident in alconm. Tills 
remedy is so very simple that it ought to to tested 
by men Who have so often tried to break them¬ 
selves of Intemperate habits. Drinking to excess 
Is unquestionably tv Ctuse in every American city, 
aud tarinaoeou.s food has never hurt anybody. 
Whatever harm it does to alcohol Is clear gain. 
Double Platform 
GRATER, $40 
BOOMER & BOSCHERT 
PRESS CO.. 
Syracuse, N - Y. 
3 Printing'Press 
f Print* earthlabels Ac. (Self-Inker 18 larger iSte* 
For Imkinets or f>U*n '.ure, younpor old. Do your own nd- 
•vertMnjrflDd printing. ofimm-s, type, t urds, 
dtr,, for y -tuuipe, Kelsey Ar Oo. Meriden, Conn 
.MINNESOTA. 
OVER 1,000.000 ACRES OF 
FINE FARMING LANDS 
IN MINNESOTA AND DAKOTA, 
For sale by Die WINONA & 8T.PF.TF.R R.K.CO.. 
At ft-oiii $li to $6 per Acre, and oa liberal terms. 
These lauds lie la iho (real wheat bill of the North- 
West, and are equally well adapted to the growth a - 
other grain, vegetables, eta. The oltmate is unsur¬ 
passed for btalihfuhienK. 
They tare Fre« front Incntnbranca. 
Guide Book, Hoyt, etc*, containing full information, 
tent free. 
CHAS. E. SIMMONS, Land Commissions*-. 
Geu’l Offices O. & N.W. R’y Co., Chicago,Lla 
Mention this paper in writ Inn, 
Farm Grist Mill 
The Grinding Barts are 
A It is adapted to all kinds of 
’ VtBT horae-pawers. It grinds all 
iMSmm Uiudaof Grain rapidly. It is 
simple, Cheap and durable. 
f/iOim iJSbfffr Sfc.su for Desorip- 
“'r « \\ tivjij Cniom.Au. 
JJKlS 1 Wm. L. Boyer & Bro. 
^ '■ • >,/ j \ 2101 Germantown Avenue, 
\\ X. Philadelphia,Pa 
Also manufacturers Celebrated Union Horse-Power,&o 
Wlio Has Not Been DHIoiin f 
Probably no one. Doubtless we have all suffered 
to some extent the disagreeable sensations which 
a disordered or languid liver can Inflict. Hallow- 
ness ot the skin, constipation, nausea, vertigo, 
soreness in the vicinity of the organ affected, a 
sensation as of congestion in the head, positive 
headache, a loss of appetite, extreme thirst, a 
high color or the urine, are among the symptoms 
which announce a perversion or vitiation of the 
bile. The remedy of remedies for the above Is 
Hostettcr’s Stomach Bit ters, administered by med¬ 
ical men ; pronounced pure and wholesome by 
mem aud popular as a comprehensive family 
medicine, and ua u specific preventive and remedy 
for chills and fever and bilious remittents through¬ 
out America, and to a wide extent lu foreign coun¬ 
tries. Disorders lu the stomach and towels, as 
well as liver, are speedily remediable with this 
popular and time-honored medicine. 
Ulll Manufactory 
K«t-h bits bud 1851. 
Grri*i« Milla* 
OF 
FRENCH Bi ll ft STONE 
Portable Mills fur Parmer., 
Bnw Mill Owuuru, etc. Price 
fruin $80 up. Complete Mill 
and Sbeller $06. A bur cau 
grind wad keep la (inter. 
Adapted to suy kind of lulta- 
blo power. Complete Flouring 
aud Corn Mill venr cheap. 
IT CUD 7 HE h MASMON 00. 
Indianapolis, Ind- 
USEFUL HINTS 
Bright’s Disease and Ice-Watf.r.— A Baltimore 
druggist of experience and ample opportunity ror 
observation bas advanced the Idea that Bright's 
disease is attributable to the Immoderate use of 
ice-water and cold drinks, lie cites the fact that 
the people of this country use 90 per cent, more ice 
In their drinks than the people of any other coun¬ 
try, Greenlanders not- excepted. We have 75 per 
cent, more of Bl ight ’s disease. He cites the fact 
that the wine-drinking countries ot Europe are 
comparatively free from the malady. Travelers 
M AHEAD AM, TUB TIME. 
r* The very bent trean goods 
l 1 _ direct from tbe Importers 
• pi half tbe uatiul coat. Best 
plan to Flub Agents ami 
All express charges paid. Quality 
New lernis free- 
□ AT AMERICAN TEA CO. 
5. Ml unit MM viiAOy St.. N. Y 
1832] MERIDEN CUTLERY COMPANY [1879 
COMPANY. 
MANUFACTURERS <>/ the. FINEST TABLE CUTLERY tn tl* WORLD 
LOJD HANDLE is superior to I VOEY, andtSMcUlhtHUltitbU for ,BOIJUAY UI 
and sold tty all dealers, and by MERIDEN CUTLERY CO.. 19 Chambers Street, tie 
And Corn-Shelters. 
Over ”5,000 .Vwir bi tine. 
Every nuuihtno in guaranteed to 
gi vo Hutiafaction or no nuy. Price 
ot Mill, $12 ■ bheliers, $6. Every 
Fanner should have them. Scud 
for Illustrated Circulars aud terms 
to agents. Address, 
LIVINGSTON & CO., 
Pittsburgh, Pa. 
PI j[j P 'Tp A ft supplied to consumers at 
P I P I P U ^ prices lower than ever 
I I Ilk I k w# known before. These fine 
yualitif* seldom reach tliu interior, Iwitiit Hold ouly in 
large cities and among the vory wealthy. Send for re¬ 
duced price-list, ami compare with other bournm. 
Farm 
Grist 
Mills 
Capacity fro) 
size. Send fi 
I1DER PRESSES AND GRATERS. 
1 Boomer & Bohouerx Press Co., Syracuse, N. Y, 
