36o 
THE RURAL NEW-YORKER 
May 23 
A FAIR TALE. 
Now in the days when Grover the Great 
was sitting down upon the Presidential 
chair, it came to pass that a certain 
farmer girded up his Sunday-go-to-meet¬ 
ing coat and betook himself to the county 
fair. And lo ! as he tarried over his din¬ 
ner, a stranger buttonholed him, and 
poured into his ear a fair tale of the 
beauties of The R. N.-Y., a paper printed 
in the interest of those who are led by 
the plow. And so stoutly and heartily 
did this stranger ai'gue his case, that the 
farmer, at last, said unto him : 
“Verily, thou art worse than a leech. I 
do not want thy paper—I know too much 
about farming already; but I clearly see 
that thou wilt talk my ear deaf if I do 
not get rid of thee. So take this silver 
dollar, and hie thee away, I care not 
where, so long as thou lettest up on thy 
story.” 
And so, taking the silver and noting 
down the farmer's name, the stranger 
withdrew, while the farmer sadly said 
within himself, that he had purchased 
immunity at the price of 10 bushels of 
potatoes, and with a bitter heart did he 
deny himself the pleasure of investigat¬ 
ing the merits of the fat woman and the 
double-headed ealf. 
Well, the days came and went, and 
with each week, there appeared upon 
the scene a new issue of The 11. N -Y.; 
but Friend Farmer read them not, though 
his wife and children perused them oft, 
and pondered over what was printed 
therein. And the youngest boy took a 
copy and tacked it over a crack in the 
barn, through which the w'ind blew 
coldly over the old cow ; and through 
the long watches of the night when the 
moonlight lay soft on the printed sheet, 
the old cow read the paper aloud to the 
other occupants of the barn. And it 
came to pass that, one day while he was 
milking, the old cow suddenly faced 
Friend Farmer and spake these words : 
“ I have noticed with deep regret, how 
my milk floweth short and thin, and 
waxeth not at the churn. 1 have pon¬ 
dered long desiring to find the reason ; 
but at last, it has been revealed unto me. 
You have not fed me a ‘ balanced ration.’ 
Fat-formers galore have passed through 
my teeth, but for a lack of needed mus¬ 
cle-makers to balance them, my milk 
has been weighed and found wanting.” 
And she went on and said more to the 
same effect, and when, at last, Farmer 
recovered his breath, he made bold to 
ask, 
“ Whence got ye that idea ? ” 
The cow answered and said, “ I got it 
from The Rural New-Yorker, which 
hath made the point as plain as thy face.” 
As Farmer started towards the house, 
robed in deep thought, a small voice 
from the hay mow piped in with these 
words : 
“ My name is Timothy Hay. I have 
served you faithfully all these many 
years. I wish now to marry me a wife, 
and I desire that you introduce me to 
Miss Clover, a young woman well en¬ 
dowed with organic matter, and able to 
pick nitrogen out of the air !” 
And Farmer asked in surprise, 
“ Whence got ye that idea V' 
And Timothy 11 ay answered and said, 
“I got it from The Rural New-Yorker, 
“BIG FOUR " to ST. LOUIS. 
“NO tunnel route.” 
The National Republican Convention 
will be held in St. Louis, June 10, 1896. 
There will be many thousand people in 
that city on that occasion. The “ Big 
Four ” offer to the public the most com¬ 
fortable and luxurious line to St. Louis 
with elegant Through Wagner Sleeping 
Car service and unexcelled Dining Car 
service from New York, Boston, Buffalo, 
Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, In¬ 
dianapolis, Washington and all Eastern 
and Southeastern cities.— Adv. 
which hath made the point as sharp as 
thou art dull.” 
Now these things sat heavily upon the 
soul of Friend Farmer, and he bethought 
himself of a supply of Dutch courage he 
had hidden in a barrel of hard cider in 
his cellar. So with pitcher and candle 
he descended the stairs, but as he passed 
the potato bin, a deep, bass voice reached 
his ear : 
“I am Tuberous Potato, and it is a 
shameful thiDg that I am forced to re¬ 
main in the dark sending out these long, 
slim shoots. I have good blood in my 
veins, but you have taken out all the 
red matter, and left it pale and thin. 
Give me new blood, and a chance to 
sprout as I should, and I will show you 
a prize crop.” 
And Farmer said in amazement, 
“ Whence got ye that idea f” 
“ From The Rural New-Yorker,” 
said Potato, stoutly. “ That paper is 
down on scrubs and ‘fakes’ of every 
degree, while you are holding a lot of 
them up on your back.” 
And even the cider as he drew it out, 
frothed up and hissed at him, “ Thou 
art a foolish man to be ruled by a worm. 
It w 7 as a foul worm that made thy 
apples fit only for cider. If thou hadst 
sprayed and fed them, they would have 
been as large as pumpkins, and as fair 
as the cheek of a maiden, bringing thee 
gold in the markets of the town, instead 
of making thee as sour as vinegar.” 
And Farmer forgot to drink his cider 
as he asked, 
“ Whence got ye that idea ?” 
And Cider answered and said, “It came 
from The Rural New-Yorker, which 
strives constantly to make its readers so 
labor that their work shall bear the best 
fruits.” 
And so Farmer betook himself to bed, 
but there came to him many strange vis¬ 
ions as he slumbered. All the members 
of his household marched before him, 
and each one pointed out some way in 
which life could be made happier and 
better, or some old-time notion that had 
grown on to him like a parasite. And 
when, in wonder at their wisdom, he 
asked, 
‘ ‘ Whence got ye that idea ? ” 
—the answer came rolling back, 
“ We got it from The Rural New- 
Yorker, which produces more new ideas 
for §1 than there are days in the year— 
of a certainty doth the paper guarantee 
five new ideas for one cent! ” 
And Farmer awoke from his troubled 
sleep a changed man. While yet the 
night was far spent, and the day was at 
hand, he read the current issue of The 
R. N.-Y., and growled likea bear because 
his wife had lent other copies to the 
neighbors. And he went forth to his 
daily toil with the memory of half a 
dozen sins of omission pricking him like 
pins. And so well have they pricked 
him, that his name is now on our books 
as a 10 -years’ subscriber, and in his will 
is a clause stating that the paper must 
continue to come to his children, even 
after he shall pass away. And The R. 
N.-Y. will say without the least hesita¬ 
tion, that it will be pleased to have a 
similar monument erected in your house¬ 
hold—or even in your neighbor’s house 
—for it believes that there is no time 
like the present for subscription work. 
CROP AND MARKET NOTES. 
And now there is a combination of all the bolt 
manufacturers of the country. 
There is some opposition before the Senate 
Committee, to the Filled Cheese bill, mainly, it 
is thought from those interested in the manufac¬ 
ture of the fraud. 
The first Bahama pineapples of the season came 
in during the week. Tne crop is reported unusu¬ 
ally large, and the most of it will come to the 
New York and Baltimore markets. 
The last Catawba grapes were noted the first 
week in May, and they were exceedingly well pre¬ 
served. We may yet have domestic grapes in our 
markets tbe year ’round. 
Bids to supply the French government with 
tobacco, were recently opened at Paris, and con¬ 
tracts were awarded for about 13,000 hogsheads 
of Kentucky and Virginia, and about 12,000 hogs- ] 
heads of Maryland. The price was not stated. 
As now arranged, the California fruit is all to 
come over the Erie Railroad and be sold in one 
auction room on tbe Erie dock. There will be two 
auctioneers who will rotate in conducting the 
sales, and the different receivers will also rotate 
in beginning the sales. If this arrangement 
doesn’t lead to friction before the season is far 
advanced, it will be a wonder. 
And now some of the New York wholesale deal¬ 
ers are endeavoring to do away with the daily 
market reports to shippers, and make them 
weekly instead. If this isn’t taking a step back¬ 
ward, we don’t know what is. Evidently some 
people are interested in doing business in the 
dark. So long as market reports of prices are 
correct, the oltener they are rendered the better. 
Weekly reports are of little value in these modern 
days of doing business with a rush. We would 
suspect the dealer who favored doing away with 
the fullest reports. 
The crop bulletin of the Illinois State Board of 
Agriculture says that growing wheat in the 
northern section is 96 per cent of a seasonable 
average ; central 90 per cent ; southern 83. Old 
Chinch bugs are doing much damage in many 
sections. The Hessian fly has done no damage 
yet. Army worms are doing damage in Alexander 
County. Of 18,093,000 bushels of crop of 1895, 10 
per cent was in the producers’ hands May 1, 1896. 
Spring wheat in the northern section is 90 per 
cent of an average ; central, 94 per cent; south¬ 
ern, 90 per cent. The condition of oats May 1 in 
the northern section was three points above the 
average,central three points below and southern 
14 below. The amount of old corn on hand May 
1, was 104,808,000 bush*-Is. the largest ever known, 
twice the amount of 1895. Corn is held by pro¬ 
ducers for better prices. 
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Shooting .limself 
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