948 
THE KUKAL NEW-YORKER 
August 1C, 1913. 
HUMOROUS 
Mother : “Don’t cry, dear. Which 
one of the twins hit you?” Dear: “The 
one with the black eye.”—The Sphinx. 
Co-ed : “What tense do I use when I 
say ‘I am beautiful’?” Bold Soph: “Re¬ 
mote past.”—Vermont Crabbe. 
Butler: “How’s that suburban ceme¬ 
tery scheme of yours doing?” Hustler: 
“First-class! All I want now is to get 
a few live men in it.”—Puck. 
Starveling : “We’ve got a French 
cook at our boarding house.” Dumpling: 
“Notice any difference?” Starveling: 
“Yes, the hash is served as soup.”—Puck. 
The self-made man was speaking. lie 
said: “My father was a raiser of hogs. 
There was a large family of us”—and 
then his voice was drowned by the ap¬ 
plause.—Life. 
“Is there harmony in the party?” 
asked one campaigner. “I should say 
not,” replied the other. “One of our 
candidates cannot even reconcile his own 
statements.”—Credit Lost. 
“De man dat don’t trust anybody,” 
said Uncle Eben, “is mighty liable to 
figure out moral responsibilities in a way 
dat’ll prevent anybody f’um trustin’ 
him.”—Washington Star. 
“Then your wife didn’t enjoy her trip 
to Niagara?” “No; the minute she saw 
that rushing water she began to wonder 
if she hadn’t come away from home and 
left a faucet running.”—Pittsburgh Post. 
“How did you manage to learn as much 
in the brief time at your disposal for 
travel?” “I didn’t use it up traveling. 
I stayed at home and studied the guide 
book.”—Washington Star. 
“I suppose you’re going to Dr. Mason’s 
funeral, grandpa?” “Oh,” snarled the 
infirm old man, “don’t talk to me about 
other people’s funerals. It’s as much as 
I shall be able to do to get to my own.”— 
Tit-Bits. 
She finished a tirade at her friend 
and ended with : “There, I think I have 
made myself plain, have I not?” “Made 
yourself plain, dear?” sweetly answered 
the once friend. “Oh, no, dear; you 
were born that way.”—Ladies’ Home 
Journal. 
“Hush ! There are burglars in the 
pantry eating those pies I made this af¬ 
ternoon !” “All right, I’ll look after 
them.” “Oh, George, you are never go¬ 
ing to attack them!” “Certainly not. I 
am going to take them a bottle of pain¬ 
killer - .”—Houston Post. 
“I helped an intoxicated mar out of 
the gutter several weeks ago and put him 
aboard a car.” “Yes?” “The other day 
he wrote to the police asking them to 
find my address.” “Ah, I see. He wants 
to force $10,000 on you.” “No, he says 
he thinks I must have pinched his 
watch.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. 
“What has become of the big man 
who used to beat the bass drum?” asked 
the private of the drum-major. “He left 
us about three months ago.” “Good 
drummer, too, wasn’t he?” “Yes, very 
good; but he got so fat that when he 
marched he couldn’t hit the drum in the 
middle.”—Melbourne Leader. 
“It’s no use vulking,” remarked Banks, 
dejectedly. “It‘s impossible to make a 
woman understand even the first prin¬ 
ciples of finance.” “What’s the matter 
now?” inquired Henderson. “Matter!” 
ejaculated the disgusted Banks. “Why, 
when I was away yesterday the baby 
swallowed a threepenny-piece. And what 
does my wife do but call in a doctor and 
pay him half a guinea for getting that 
coin back.”—Credit Lost. 
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luniiumi 
