848 
THE KUHiAL NEW-YORKER 
June 20, 1914 
HUMOROUS 
“Who can describe a caterpillar?” 
asked the teacher. “I can, teacher,” 
shouted Tommy. “Well, Tommy, wha^ 
is it?” “An upholstered worm.”—Cred 
Lost. ,' 
First Tramp: “After all, it pay" 
be perlite, pardner.” Second Tj 
“Not always. The other day I was 
deaf and dumb when a man 
sixpence. I says, ‘Thank you, 
he had me arrested!”—Credit Lost. 
“Paw, what is an efficiency expert?” 
“An efficiency expert, my dear boy, is 
a man who is possessed of the idea that 
he can teach a hen a better way of lay¬ 
ing an egg than the way she has been 
doing it for ages.”—Credit Lost. 
“Sam, I understand there’s a schism 
in your church,” said the jocular man to 
his colored man-of-all-work. “Kaint be, 
’less’n somebody done made us a present 
of it, ’cause we done spent all ouah 
money fob a new ohgan.”—Livingston 
Lance. 
“Do you try to make home life pleas¬ 
ant for your son?” “Yes,” replied Farm¬ 
er Corntossel. “But it’s mighty hard to 
live up to the refined ways he insists on. 
I’m annoyin’ him terrible because when 
I’m workin’ around the barn I keep for- 
gettin’ to refer to the hayloft as the 
mezzanine floor.”—Washington Star. 
Little Jimmy had spent his first day 
at school. “What did you learn?” he was 
asked on his return home. “Didn’t learn 
anything.” “Well what did you do?” 
“Didn’t do anything.” “Well, what hap¬ 
pened?” “Oh, a woman wanted to know 
how to spell ‘cat,’ and I told her.”—De¬ 
troit Free Press. 
“The train struck the man, did it not?” 
asked the lawyer of the engineer at the 
trial. “It did, sir,” said the engineer. 
“Was the man on the track, sir?” thun¬ 
dered the lawyer. “On the track?” asked 
the engineer. “Of course he was. No 
engineer worthy of his job would run his 
train into the woods after a man.”—Chi¬ 
cago Record. 
“Oil, thank you,” said a lady to a la¬ 
borer, who gave her his seat in a crowd¬ 
ed car, “thank you very much.” “That’s 
all right, mum,” was the cheerful re¬ 
joinder. As the lady seated herself he 
added, “Some men niver get up unless 
a woman’s young, an’ pretty, but you see, 
mum, it makes no difference to me.”— 
Melbourne Australasian. 
Two Washington youngsters were 
visiting their father’s country place in 
Virginia. One of them observed: “Marie, 
I don’t see how cows can eat grass. Do 
you?” Marie considered, and then re¬ 
plied : “I suppose it’s like this: When 
the cows are young, the mother cow keeps 
saying to her children, ‘If you don’t eat 
grass you shan’t have any pie.’ ”—Wom¬ 
an’s Journal. 
“Yes, sir,” said Philip, “I’ve come to 
the conclusion that I amount to some¬ 
thing after all. There have been times 
when I was disposed to believe that I was 
a mere cipher in the world, but I can 
never have so small an opinion of myself 
again.” “What has caused this sudden 
change in your estimation of yourself?” 
“I have just been talking to a man who 
wants my vote.”—Evening Post. 
A clergyman was arguing with a 
friend of liis on the desirability of attend¬ 
ing church. At last he put the question 
squarely : “What is your personal reason 
for not attending?” The gentleman 
smiled in a quiet way as he replied: 
“The fact is, one finds so many hypo¬ 
crites there.” Returning the smile, the 
clergyman said: “Do not let that keep 
you away ; there is always room for one 
more.”—Melbourne Australasian. 
^ oil 
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Why Men Quit 
Some Other Tires— Five Reasons 
The evidence ic that—faster than evei—men 
are quitting other tires for Goodyears. So far 
this year our tire sales exceed last year by 55 
per cent. Yet last vear Goodyear far outsold 
any other tire. 
There are big reasons for this, and every tire 
user should know them. 
What Others Lack 
Other tires—all of them—lack these four fea¬ 
tures. And these are the four major factors in 
tire mileage. 
Our No-Rim-Cut feature, which completely 
ends rim-cutting. No other satisfactory method 
is known. 
Our “On-Air” cure, which saves the blow¬ 
outs due to wrinkled fabric. This one extra proc¬ 
ess adds to our tire cost $450,000 yearly. 
Our rubber rivets, of which we form hun¬ 
dreds in every tire—during vulcanization—to com¬ 
bat loose treads. 
Our All-Weather tread — tough, double¬ 
thick and enduring. As smooth as a plain tread, 
yet grasping wet roads with sharp, resistless 
grips. 
Thus your four greatest tire troubles are met in 
these tires, in costly ways employed by no other 
maker. 
Then Extra Price 
Then 16 other makes this year cost more than 
Goodyear prices. Four Goodyear tires cost 
about the same as some makers ask for three. 
That fact is due to our mammoth output, our 
splendid efficiency and our modest profit. Our 
profit last year averaged 6^4 per cent. 
Men are refusing to pay those extra prices 
for tires which lack the four great Goodyear 
features. 
Remember that men have made mileage tests 
on millions of Goodyear tires. And this flood¬ 
like demand follows all those tests. Such evi¬ 
dence of quality is beyond dispute. 
Any dealer will supply these tires, at Good¬ 
year prices, if he knows you want them. 
ALADDIN 
niiQP Readi cu* 
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IPS FROST PROOF 
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■nnnmBHi 
