HUMOROUS 
Even a postage stamp is no good if 
it g<ds stuck on itself.—Philadelphia Rec¬ 
ord. 
Medical Professor: ‘‘What is the 
most advanced stage of kleptomania?” 
Student: “High finance.”—Town Topics. 
“Begin at the bottom and work your 
way up. Patrick. That is the only way.” 
“It can’t be done in my businesi. I'm 
a well digger.”—The Comet. 
She: “Did you have to pay damages 
to the woman you ran over?” lie: “No; 
fortunately it happened to be my wife.” 
—Woman’s Journal. 
“Did you water this rubber plant, 
Bridget?” “I did not, ma’am; I thought 
them rubber plants was waterproof!”— 
Credit Lost. 
"Did you put fresh water for the gold¬ 
fish. Mary?” “No. mum, they ain’t 
drunk up what I gave them yesterday."— 
Princeton Tiger. 
Hogan: “And did Donovan give yez 
that black eye, Dugan?” Dugan: “He 
did not; he only give me the black; the 
eye I had meself.”—Credit Lost. 
“I like this (plaint little mountain 
village of yours, waiter. I suppose I 
can get plenty of oxygen here?” “No, 
sir; we’ve got local option.”—Sacred 
Heart Review. 
Boarder: “Here’s a nickel 1 found in 
the hash.” Landlady: “Yes, I put it 
there. You’ve been complaining, I un¬ 
derstand, about lack of change in your 
meals.”—Credit Lost, 
“How do you know the world is 
round?” asked the teacher. “Because,” 
replied the boy, “father says it ain’t on 
the square and uncle says it ain’t on the 
level.”—Washington Evening Star. 
Muggins: “That little shrimp doesn’t 
look like a hero, does he?” Buggins: 
“Croat Scott! No! What has he ever 
done?” Muggins: “He's been married 
six times." Philadelphia Record. 
“Are you going to have a garden this 
year?” “No,” replied Mr. Groveller. 
"It isn't my turn to make a garden. I'm 
going tp keep chickens this year, and let 
my neighbors make the garden.”—Wash¬ 
ington Star. 
Teacher : “Where is the Dead Sea?” 
Tommie: “Don't know, ma’am.” Teach¬ 
er: “Don't know where the Dead Sea 
is?" Tommie: “No. ma'am. I didn’t 
even know any of the seas were sick, 
ma'am.”—Yonkers Statesman. 
“I understand your husband is learn¬ 
ing to dance.” “No,” replied Mrs. Glums- 
by. “That report was started by some 
neighbors who happened to be looking 
through our basement window just after 
he had dropped a lmt cinder on his foot.” 
-Washington Star. 
“Wiiat are your constituents going to 
do about your failure to get an appropri¬ 
ation for Crawfish Creek?” “I don’t 
know,” replied Senator Sorghum. “May¬ 
be this year it will go dry for keeps. 
Then we might work up a proposition to 
loosen up some expenditures by having it 
paved as a public highway.”—Washing¬ 
ton Star. 
“This is a wonderful liair-rencwer,” 
said the shopman. “It is our own pre¬ 
paration.” “Well, give me a bottle,” 
said the bald-headed man. “But, I say, 
come to think of it, why don’t you use 
it? You’re pretty bald yourself.” “I 
can't use it. You see, I'm the ‘Before 
Using’ example. The ‘After Using' ex¬ 
ample is out at luncheon. You should 
see him !”—Tit-Bits, . 
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