THE RURAL 
Jimmie at the Country Fair 
“Yessir! Mis’ Holcomb, we went to 
the fair. I’aw 'lowed he was goin’ to take 
us with the team; but ho said he just 
hated to drive them horses 24 miles and 
put ’em into the corn harvester the next 
day. ‘But your mother aint missed the 
fair but once in 20 years—that was the 
year you was born, and she aint goin’ 
to miss it this year on account o’ me,’ 
he sez. ‘I I s’pose it ’ll be the same old 
thing all over again! There’ll be the 
same old two-headed calf—it’s a wonder 
they don’t embalm it, so’s it wouldn’t 
smell quite so loud, but I guess maybe 
they cal’late the aromey ’ll discourage 
folks with inquirin’ minds—and if I was 
a bettin’ man I’d venture a bran’ new 
dollar bill that our ancient friends, the 
fat lady and the livin’ skelinton, ’ll be on 
hand. Some hoss with a spavin ’ll win 
the 2.20 race in three minutes, and that 
feller, Minton, ’ll lug off all the flower 
and vegetable prizes with stuff grown in 
a greenhouse. If ’twant for meetin’ old 
friends that you never meet anywhere 
else, you couldn’t draw me there with a 
traction engine. But I’ll haf to go ! If I 
don’t, your maw ’ll think I'm stingy; 
and it’s dollars to doughnuts you’ll think 
the same—only harder. She’ll worry 
all day for fear the 10-cent store 
’ll be all closed out before she gets there, 
and find it so jammed full of truck she 
can’t make up her mind what she does 
want and wind up with buyiu’ a couple of 
dollars wuth of stuff she don't want; 
while you’ll probably eat -and drink 
so much popcorn and peanuts and 
ice cream and lemonade and sich, that 
I'll have to hist you into the spring- 
wagon with a derrick. Well, such is 
married life in the II. S. A.’ 
“lie went on like that—off and on 
’most all day. Wondered who he’d get 
to do the milkin’. Said he’d bet the hogs 
would put on a streak o’ lean and old 
Nell would paw her front shoe off callin' 
for her dinner. We all knowed he wanted 
to go as bad as any of us—all ’cept 
Em’ly—so we didn’t worry none. »S7ie 
thought he really meant it, so she asked 
Henry why he couldn’t drive the team 
and let Paw stay home. Henry was sit- 
tin’ on the top step, eatin’ a apple, and 
when she said that he had a fit and rolled 
off on the grass. He made such a funny 
noise she thought he was chokin’, and 
hollered for me to get a dipper of water. 
‘Huh! I guess not!’ I sez. ‘lie’ll come to, 
after awhile.’ Then he had another fit. 
When he got so’s he could set up, the 
tears was runnin’ down his face and 
his shirt was all over apple-chankins. 
lie sez, ‘My dear little innocent girl, if 
you don’t want to be a youthful widder, 
never spring anything like that on me 
again. Iloo-hoo, if you want to make 
him—ha—1m—an enemy for life, just 
suggest his stayin’ home from the fair.’ 
Then he had another fit. 
“Well, it seems Maw had some ideas 
on the subjeck. She didn’t say nothin’ 
to nobody about it till breakfast yester¬ 
day mornin’. Course you know Mr. 
Holcomb took the milk to the station for 
us and agreed to help Si Ellis with the 
night milkin’. Well, Paw hadn't much 
more’ll got through askin’ the blessin’ be¬ 
fore he began. 
“ ‘I do hope,’ he sez, ‘I’ll live to see 
the day I aint tied to a cow’s -tail and 
can go off for a day’s pleasure same’s 
other people. I aint worryin’ about Eli 
Holcomb—he’s the best man around a 
cow’ I ever see—but he won’t be able to 
come down here till he gets his own 
milkin’ done, and it’s a safe bet that by 
that time Si ’ll have all the cows half 
milked and turned out to night-pasture. 
Then again, I don’t like the way Buster 
acted last night. When a young hoss 
lets you ketch him lyin’ down he's sick, 
and that Colt never stirred when I went 
into his stall. I don't like the looks of 
it. How does he seem this mornin, 
Henry?’ 
“‘Well,’ Henry sez, “from the way 
he pawed for his breakfast, I should say 
there wa’n't anything the matter with his' 
appetite.’ 
“Paw thinks Henry knows more about 
bosses than a hoss doctor, so he sez, 
‘Think it ’ll be safe to drive him, Henry?’ 
“lie started to say sumpin’, but Maw 
tock the floor. ‘Ezry,’ she sez, ‘if you 
hadn’t been born a man you’d a been a 
old maid. In fact, you’re softer about 
them colts than any old maid could be 
over a couple of cats. Land alive! If 
you only knew it, it wouldn’t disturb 
them colts if you walked all over ’em. 
But no matter. There will be a con¬ 
veyance at the door at 7.30, sharp. Any¬ 
one not ready at that time will be left 
behind.’ 
“That’s all we could get out of her. 
At the appinted time here comes Sheldon 
and Edith sailin’ into the yard with a 
big seven-passenger car. It come out 
on the road that Maw asked Mr. Parker 
last time she was down to the village, if 
he’d rent her his car to take us to the 
fair. He sez, ‘No, Madam!’ you know 
how c’rect he talks, like Granper—‘I will 
do nothin’ of the kind ; but if the daugh¬ 
ter of my esteemed friend, James Martin, 
will accept the loan of my car, I shall 
be highly honored.’ Maw sez it brung the 
tears to her eyes, and Paw sez, ‘There’s 
one man that riches aint spiled.’ So he 
took Sheldon’s car, and Sheldon took 
his’n ; and his chiffonier showed Sheldon 
how to run it, ’cause it’s a different make 
from his’n. 
“My land! Y'ou orter see that car go! 
We got there most before we started, and 
see the hull thing. First off, there was 
the soldier band from Fort Jenkins comes 
marchin’ up from the deepo. They aint 
milishy like them at Blankenburg, but 
sure ’miff soldiers. A feller told me they 
fight Indians and Filipinos. After a 
while the Riverton band come out and 
played up the street to the fair ground. 
The Boosters fullered ’em, and most all 
the ortermobiles went behind them. 
“Sure ’miff! Most the first thing I 
see on the fair ground was a picture 
with a two-headed calf on it, and pretty 
soon there was another with the fat lady 
and the livin’ skelinton. There was an¬ 
other tent with a wild man in it, and 
he kept roarin’ like a lion all day. It 
said he'd already killed and et three of 
his keepers, and was the most blood¬ 
thirsty wild man in captivity. I wanted 
to go in like anything, but Paw sez, 
‘Oh, it’s -another fake. I can hear the 
machinery.’ 
“Whilst him and the rest of ’em was 
lookin’ at silos and blowers, and anti- 
kimassers and sich like, I went off to see 
if I could find Harold and get some 
lemonade and ice cream. When I found 
’em again, they was listenin’ to a woman 
talk about ekal sufferage. Maw sez, 
‘Jimmie, don’t you leave my side again 
NEW-YORKER 
to-day,’ but Paw sez, ‘Don’t tie him to 
your apern-strings, Mother. If lie’ll 
promise not to go into the side shows, 
let the boy go—bless my soul! Bub, 
have you got any money?’ I told him I 
had 10 cents left and lie give me half 
a dollar. So I promised, and I didn’t, 
neither; but I did want to see that wild 
man ! 
“Well, I see most everybody I knowed, 
but I couldn’t find Harold nowheres. I 
give it up, and was eatin’ another ice 
cream cone, when somebody hit me a 
slap on the back. I knowed it was him, 
’fore I looked around, ’cause nobody else 
dast. We had some more lemonade and 
cones, and then we went to look at the 
ball game. We stayed two innin’s and 
then the soldier band come marchin’ in, 
and a lady and three men come out on 
the platform in front of the grand stand 
and throwed somersets and sich on wires, 
and we forgot all about the game. Then 
another man come on, all dressed up in 
a pair of circus clothes. He had bears 
and monkeys and dogs and a coon and a 
duck. That was the best thing in the 
hull fair! One bear rode a bicycle, and 
another wheeled a baby bear around in a 
baby carriage; a little bit of a dog danced 
in weddin’ clothes; a terrier turned 
somersets, and a big, woolly dog skipped 
the rope; the monkeys cut up, and the 
coon sashayed around at ween the man’s 
legs. The duck told how old you was, 
and substracted and added, and a hull 
lot more. I wish I could learn one of 
our ducks to do them things! I bet I 
could make a hundred dollars! Finely, 
they all run around the platform— 
hitched up—some a ridin, and some a 
pullin’. That terrier I told you about 
certainly had it in for one o’ them 
monkeys—he kep’ a barkin’ and snappin’ 
at him all through the pufformance. I 
bet I’d a fixed that dog if I’d bin that 
monkey! 
“We wa_ eatin’ some more lemonade 
and ice cream when along comes our 
folks and hauled me off down town for 
dinner. I told ’em I didn’t want none, 
but they made me. Then they talk about 
my bein’ such a big eater! 
“Maw’n the girls wanted to go to the 
biggest hotel, but Paw sez, ‘Not me, 
Mary Ann ! I propose to go where they 
give you somethin’ besides a lot of little 
dishes to eat. Henry knows a private 
house, where they give you a plenty of 
real food, and pass around the gravy.’ 
“Henry sez, ‘Turn up this street, Shel¬ 
don. It’s a German family, Mother. 
They’re retired farmers. They set a 
table that’s a combination of German 
plenty and Yankee cooking. This is the 
bcnse.’ 
1299 
“Well, sir! Mis’ Holcomb, I gueaa 
Hank knows a good thing when he see it! 
They had chicken and dumplin’s, roast 
beef and gravy, white and sweet perta- 
ters, corn and termaters, pickled beets 
and baked apples, squash and I dunno 
what all. -They give us two kinds of pie 
—either one o’ them pieces was bigger 
than the one piece they give you to a 
hotel. They put the food on the table in 
platters and let you help yourselves. 
When we got through Paw sez, “I feel 
like a bloated millionaire. If it costs a 
dollar a head, you don’t hear a peep 
from me!’ 
“Henry sez, ‘This meal’s on me, Dad,’ 
but Sheldon spoke up: ‘You gentlemen 
are a trifle slow—the dinner’s already 
paid for.’ 
“ ‘How much did he tax you?’ Paw 
asked him. 
“ ‘Fifty cents a plate,’ sez Sheldon. 
“ ‘Well,’ Paw sez, ‘I got to shake 
hands with the woman that cooked that 
meal, and with the man whose conscience 
is too big to charge what its really worth. 
Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt. I congratulate 
you. You both deserved to be born in 
this land of the free, though I fail to 
see wherein they could have improved 
upon you if you had been. That dinner 
would have told me you was farmers, 
and you are a credit to our noble profes¬ 
sion. And now, before some young up¬ 
start of the risin’ generation gets the 
start of me, I hereby reserve places at 
your supper table for seven persons— 
and here’s the money.’ 
“When lie laid down $3.50, the man 
pushed back the half a dollar. He sez, 
‘Ye don’d charge for der boy.’ 
“Paw sez, ‘You take that 50 cents. 
You don’t know that boy, Mr. Schmidt. 
That youngster’s an ensilage cutter at 
masticatin’ food, and a young silo for 
capacity. No, sir! You’re losin’ money 
feedin’ him at 50 cents.’ 
“When we went up into the grand¬ 
stand. there was so much goin’ on and 
I’d et. so much dinner I didn’t see half of 
it. The Governor made a speech, but he 
didn’t say nothin’. When I said so, Maw 
said I orter be ’shamed to talk like that, 
but Paw told her she orter be proud of 
a boy that could see a hole through a 
forty-foot ladder. What you s’pose he 
meant? 
“Yessum, he sez lie’s afraid I’ll turn 
out either a preacher or an editor, and 
spile a good, honest farmer. Well, they 
was another ball game, but I only see 
one strike-out and a feller on centerfield 
ketch a wallopin’ fly—what with the dogs 
and bears and sich and the races. Finely 
I didn’t do nothin’ but listen to the hands 
and then I must of gone to sleep, ’cause 
the next I remember, Paw was sayin’, 
‘Well, son, if we’re goin’ to see the live 
stock before supper, we’ve got to hustle!’ 
“There was a hoss there built just 
like our Bob, only bigger, and I bet 
they'd i •’ him, the way he shined. Then 
there was the littlest pony I ever see. 
raw asked me if I wouldn't I k tc own 
him, but I told him I'd ruther have a 
motorcycle. He sez, ‘Uh-hum. Well, 
when they get down to 50 cents apiece 
you can have one, pervidin’ I can over¬ 
come my predijice a’in ’em.’ 
“The others wanted to see the poultry 
department, but he said me and him 
wouldn’t waste our time on such truck 
as they had there. ‘But what can you 
expect?’ he sez, ‘when they give sich 
liberal prizes as 75 cents for the best 
single bird and $1.50 for a pen? Your 
Uncle Jim wouldn’t insult his stock by 
sendin’ ’em to such a competition as 
that!’ 
“As soon as we was alone, he sez, 
‘Son, do you still want to see that wild 
man?’ I told him you bet I did. So he 
sez, ‘\\ ell, partly because you've been a 
good boy and stayed out, and partly for 
educational purposes, we’ll take advant¬ 
age of your mother’s temporary absence 
from our midst and take him in— which 
prob’ly won’t suit him worth a cent.’ 
\\ hen we got inside there was nobody 
there but the wild man. and he was 
smokin’ a cigarette. Paw said ‘How do* 
to him in six different langwiches—he 
learnt cm off that collidge perfessor 
that boarded with us one Summer, but 
the wild man didn’t do nothin’ but puff 
his cigarette. Paw looked him over a 
while, then he sc-;, .‘Son, this is the wild 
man from the Bowery, New York.’ Then 
he poked around, and pretty soon, be 
pulled back a curtain, and put his foot 
(Continued on page 1303.) 
The Wild Man of Borneo at the County Fair. 
