C/^e RURAL NEW-YORKER 
7 09 
The Hayseed Farmer 
(With apolojiies to Rmlyanl Kiplinjj.) 
I went into the p'tater patcli to get a peek o’ simds; 
A yonng sport passin’ in a Ford yells, “Where’d you get them tlnds?" 
The girls an’ fellers with him ia’ffed an’ giggled fit to die; 
I turned again to that old hoe, an’ to myself sez I :— 
“O it’s Hayseed this, an’ Hayseed that, an’ ‘Rube, your clothes are stale.’ 
lUit it’s ‘help us. Mister Farmer,’ when the crops commence to fail. 
The crops commence to fail, my boys, the crops commence to fail, 
0 it's ‘Help us Mister Farmer,’ when the crops commence to fail.” 
I got on to the city train, as decent as could be; 
A feller nudged his friend an’ said, ‘‘Let's pass along—i see 
The company here is rather bum, let’s try the 
other car.” 
I think.s, “You’ll do, but now T bet your bills 
are paid by Pa.” 
For it’s Hayseed this, and Hayseed that, an' 
“Hayseed, comb your hair,” 
But it’s “Room our Agriculture,” when the war 
talk’s in the air. 
The war talk’s in the air, my boys, the war 
•bilk’s in the air, 
0 it's “T’.oom our Agriculture,’' when the war 
talk’s in the air. 
Ves. makin’ fun o' backwoods rubes that raises 
what you eat 
Is easiei- than diggin' up the ground that’s at 
your feet. 
Ah' snnbbin’ gawky farmers when their clo’se 
Is live times better business than grubbin’ just a bit. 
Then it’s Flay seed this, an’ Hayseed that, an’ “Hayseed, get some i)ep.'’ 
Rut it’s “grand old rugged fanner” when we fear our nation’s "rei),” 
We fear our nation’s “rep,” my boj% we fear our nation’s “rep.” 
0 it’s grand old rugged farmer” when we fear our nation’s “rep.’’ 
We ain’t no “grand old farmers.” an’ we ain’t no hay.seeds, too. 
But folks that earn our livin’ like most people have to do; 
An’ if we ain’t got all the gush that city folks has got. 
We’ve maybe got some muscle an’ some nerves that ain’t all rot. 
Y bile it’s Hay.seed this, an’ Hayseed that, an’ “Gee, but you're some crude,” 
“To get a Peck of Spuds” 
don’t zack'ly lit 
The company here is rather bum” 
But it's “All depends on you, Sir,” when it comes to gettin’ food. 
It comes to gettin’ food, my boys, it comes to gettin’ food. 
0 it’s “All depends on you. Sir,” when it comes to gettin’ food. 
You talk o’ “labor shortage” in the country, on the farms, 
And a “sca’city o’ vittles” gives rise to great alarms; 
All you hear today is farmin’, an’ “back to the farm’s,” the rage. 
And you’re gettin’ wise to the middleman, that grabs the farmer's wage. 
For it’s Hayseed this, an’ Hay.seed that, an’ “Look at that old gump,” 
But it’s “commissary .soldier” when the war times makes you jump; 
Yes, it’s Hayseed this an’ Hayseed that, an’ anything you iilease. 
But th’ Hay.seed ain’t a wooden-head fool, you bet tin; Il.-iyseed sees! 
KUWAim W. r.ITTI.KFlEI.D, 
Army Service for Time-expired Man 
My husband has seen service in the 
army cori>s as a private and was honor¬ 
ably discharged when his time was up, 
nine or ten years ago. Will the govern¬ 
ment call on him'? We have live children 
and a farm. He says that he couldn’t 
pass the physical examination, as he 
wears glasses and has most of his teeth 
drawn, also has had an operation, but 
last night our doctor said that if a per¬ 
son had once served no examination was 
necessary. Can you tell me the truth 
about this? hrs. n. e. k. 
New York. 
It is not likely that your husband 
would be taken. The policy will be not 
to disturb ^arm laborers or farmers’ es¬ 
pecially those with d*ependent children. 
It would seoni too that your husband is 
physically unlit. He would not be taken 
without an examination. We do not 
think you need worry about this. 
Device to Help Hearing . 
In reading The K. N.-Y. I have come 
to the conclusion that your favorite 
motto must be, “If you get anything 
good pass it around, and kick the bad 
into the ditch.” I think I have discov¬ 
ered something that people who are fond 
of music and have defective hearing will 
appreciate and am depending on you to 
pass it around. Catarrh has closed my 
A Homemade Aid to Hearing 
eustachian tubes and I cannot hear a 
watch pressed against either ear, or hoar 
my guitar well enough to play it. but by 
making a stick like the picture from a 
piece of lath, resting the large crotch on 
the corner of the guitar and holding my 
upper front teeth lirmly in the small 
crotch I can hear the instrument as well 
as ever I could. M. l. pond. 
^Massachusetts. 
There have been several aids to the 
hearing based on this principle. Some 
years ago there was an instrument like 
a rubber fan with a metal rim. This 
was held against the teeth, and it did 
help in certain cases of deafness. Of 
late years most of these aids have given 
way to the electric aiipliance—based on 
the principle of a telephone. 
“I’vr surprised at you, Sammy.” said 
the teacher, “that you cannot tell me 
when Christopher Columbus discovered 
America ! What does the chapter head¬ 
ing of the week’s lesson read?” “Colum¬ 
bus—1492,” replied Sammy. “Well, isn’t 
that plain enough'?” asked the teacher. 
“Did you never see it before?” “Y^es’m, 
yes'm.” answered Sammy ; “but I always 
thought it was his telephone number.”— 
Harper’s Magazine. 
A REAL 
POWER WASHER 
Round rubber rubs the clothes, turns them over 
and over and forces the hot, soapy water through 
them. Washes tub full perfectly clean In 6 minutes. 
No wringers to shift. Nothing to get out of order. 
Special low price to Introduce. Catalogue Eroo. 
BlUFFTON MFG Co. B0XF67BLUFFT0N, OHIO. 
POWER WASHER 
WOMANS ^ 
FRIEND 
WRITE FOR OUR PRICE LIST 
We Buy WASTE PAPER 
and all Kinds of Scrap Material. 
THEODORE HOFELLER & CO. 
Dept. N, Buffalo N. Y. 
The Nugget in the Pile 
Life is short. Time ’ s worth money. 
All day’s reading of some farm 
papers doesn’t net you as much as 
one page of The Farm Journal. 
Result ? The Farm Journal is the ioiled down, all- 
cream, chaff-less farm paper. It’s brimful of gumption, 
entertaining reading, step-saving ideas for Mother: 
always plenty of good things for the children. All 
short, crisp, and quickly read. You’re sure to like it. 
$1 for 5 years. Money back any time. Send today 
for sample and your Free copy of the 1917 Poor Richard 
Almanac. What is home without The Farm Journal? 
The Farm Journal 
130 Washington Square, Philadelphia 
Send for our 12-Page Reward List 
showing upwards of 300 articles 
given for securing subscriptions to 
05c RURAL NEW-YORKER 
Addre99t Department **M** 
333 W. 30th Street, Nezv York City 
Its owner wouldn’t be a bit better off if she hud a city gas stove, and a 
gas water heater to boot. 
No coal or wood fires to build and maintain. No ashes to carry out. No 
doing without hot water just because the fire isn’t up. 
The New Perfection Oil Cook Stove is as quick and handy as a f?as stove 
and costs less to ruu. Cooks fast or slow as you like. You can see w liere 
the fiame is set and there it stays. The famous Long Blue Chimney burn¬ 
ers convert every drop of oil into clean, odorless heat. Ask your dealer 
for booklet. 
And the New Perfection Kerosene Water Heater gives 
you plenty of hot water whenever you want it—and 
costs less than gas to operate. Ask your dealer about it. 
For best results use SOCONY Kerosene. 
STANDARD OIL COMPANY of NEW YORK 
(Principal Offices) 
NEW YORK ALBANY BUFFALO BOSTON 
HERE’S THE IDEAL 
FARM KITCHEN 
New Perfection 
Water Heater 
