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oral iSaEiiiet xxii3 Pictorial 
ompamon 
Pat had just seated him¬ 
self in a Quaker meeting 
when a young Quaker 
lately married arose to an¬ 
nounce his new relation¬ 
ship. “ Brethren,” said he, 
“ I have married.” Pat’s 
spontaneous mother wit 
suddenly burst forth invol¬ 
untarily : “ The divil you 
hcv! ” The young and 
blushing bridegroom, im¬ 
agining that the spirit had 
suddenly moved some more 
influential brother, sat down 
in confusion. In a few mo¬ 
ments he rose and essayed 
again : “ Brethren! I have 
married a daughter of the 
Lord ! ” “The divil y e 
hev ! ” ejaculated the in¬ 
tensely interested Irishman, 
i “ it’ll be a long time before 
you see yer father-in-law! ” 
The shuffling feet and con¬ 
fusion of faces which fol¬ 
lowed admonished “ Patsy” 
that he had better be 
“ thravelin’,” and he was 
“ after gettin’ himself out 
o’ that! ” 
On the North London 
railway a short time since, 
a passenger remarked in 
the hearing of one of the 
company’s servants, how 
easy it was to “ do ” the 
company, and said he often traveled from Broad street 
to Dalston Junction without a ticket. “Any man 
can do it. I did it yesterday.” When he alighted 
he was followed by an official, who asked him how it 
was done. For a consideration he agreed to tell him- 
This being given, “Now,” said the inquirer, “how 
did you go from Broad street to Dalston Junction 
yesterday, without a ticket?” “ Oh,” was the reply, 
“ I walked.” 
and God disposes.” “ Yes,” said a maiden present, 
“a man proposed to me once; I said no, and have 
never seen him since, so I thought somebody had dis¬ 
posed of him.” 
Elizabeth Cady Stanton mentions the fact that 
certain woman suffragists once picked up an orphan 
boy, bought him nice clothes, educated him for the 
ministry, and, when they went to hear his first ser¬ 
mon, were struck with con¬ 
sternation to hear the text: 
“ Let the women keep silent 
in the church.” 
A man in Lexington, 
Ky., bought a turkey said 
to weigh ten pounds, but 
on arriving at home he 
found that it weighed but 
eight. Going back, he in¬ 
quired how it happened. 
The dealer examined the 
turkey carefully, and then, 
with a sudden light, ex¬ 
claimed, “Ah! I see you’ve 
lost the gizzard.” 
Madame X has charm¬ 
ing features, charming arms, 
charming hands—but she 
has monstrous feet. Just 
recovering from a long ill¬ 
ness, she said recently to 
one of her friends, “ I am 
still very feeble, but I begin i 
to be able to put one foot 
before the other.” “ And 
that is not saying a little,” 
murmured the excellent 
friend. 
putting things in order. Finally she said in a low, 
sweet tone of voice : “ Georgie, darling, I don’t be¬ 
lieve you will ever be a great man.” “ Why so, 
love ? ” he asked, wheeling a chair round on one of 
its legs, and gracefully stroking it with the duster. 
“ Because great men always have such lazy, good- 
for-nothing wives.” 
One evening in company, during conversation, a 
gentleman quoted the expression, that “Man proposes 
District superintendent 
in Nova Scotia asked a 
backwoods teacher at the 
close of a visit: “What 
is your postoffice address ? ” 
The teacher looked blankly 
and said, “Sir?” The 
question was repeated, and 
after a moment’s hesitation 
the reply was, “ Oh, I’m a 
Roman Catholic.” “ I did 
not ask you anything about 
your religion; I want to 
know what—is—your — 
post office—address?” 
“Oh,” said the teacher, a 
light breaking over his 
countenance, “ oh, sure, I’m 
an Irishman, sir.” 
A Pathetic Appeal.— 
“ Mamma, shall you let me 
go to the Wilkinsons’s ball, 
if they give one, this win¬ 
ter?” “ No, darling!” (A 
“ You’ve been to a great many balls, haven’t 
■ Yes, darling—and I’ve seen the 
folly of them all.” • (Another pause.) “ Mightn’t I 
just see the folly of one, mamma?” (A very long 
1 pause.) 
Young lady—“ Well, now, and what did the 
Israelites do after they crossed the Red Sea?” 
Sharp girl (eagerly)—Please, they put on their dry 
things.” 
Thackeray, when speaking about fame, would 
frequently tell the following anecdote : When at din¬ 
ner in St. Louis, one day, he heard one waiter say to 
another, “ Do you know who that is?” “No,” was 
was the reply. “ That is the celebrated Mr. Thack¬ 
eray.” “ What’s he done ?” “ Blessed if I know.” 
She was languishing upon a sofa, watching him 
affectionately as he skipped briskly about the room 
Several years ago, while lecturing before a class 
of ladies, upon chemistry, we had occasion to purify 
some quicksilver by forcing it through chamois leather. 
The scrap remained upon the table after the lecture, 
and an old lady, thinking it would be very nice to wrap 
her gold spectacles in, ac¬ 
cordingly appropriated it to 
this purpose. The next 
morning she came to us in 
great alarm, stating that 
the gold had mysteriously 
disappeared, and nothing 
was left in the parcel but 
the glasses. Sure enough, 
the metal remaining in the 
pores of the leather had 
amalgamated with the gold, 
and entirely destroyed the 
spectacles. It was a mys¬ 
tery which we could never 
explain to her satisfaction. 
—Fireside Science. 
