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AN INJURED TRAVELLER. 
A man dressed in good clothes, an eye-glass and a 
gold-mounted cane, and possessing altogether a rather 
clerical appearance, hailed a passing street-car. There 
was nothing unusual or particularly noticeable in this, 
except the air of lofty dignity with which he com¬ 
manded a halt, and the desperate effort which he made 
to maintain his centre of gravity as he passed to the 
car, and revealed the fact that he was slightly inebri¬ 
ated. Arriving at the door he solemnly raised his 
right foot to enter, hut not raising it quite high 
enough, he fell headlong on the 
floor of the car. Raising him¬ 
self up with some difficulty, he 
cast a severely reproving look 
at the old gentleman sitting 
near the door, and said : 
“ Sir, what d’ you lift this 
car for just as I was goin’ to 
get in ? ” 
A Chinaman went into a 
California dry-goods store, and 
looked all around with those 
sloping eyes cut the wrong 
way of the leather. 
“ What do you want, John ?” 
said an affable gentleman with 
his hair parted in the middle. 
“Me no see him,” replied 
John. 
“ Well, what is it like, 
John?” 
Tor a moment the celestial 
transported himself in a brown 
study. He thought very hard, 
and then that saddle-colored 
countenance lit up like the 
business end of a lightning- 
hug, and he replied : 
“ Puttee up in windley. Fly 
come in he no come in, catchee 
on outside alle same.” 
And shortly John went 
away as happy as a basket of 
chips, with two yards of green 
gauze. 
Household Words.- 
Stop your noise! Shut up this 
minute ! I’ll box your ears ! 
Hold your tongue! Let me 
be ! Get out! Behave your¬ 
self! I won’t! You shall! 
Never mind ! You’ll catch it! 
Put away those things ! You’ll 
kill yourself! I don’t care! 
They’re mine! Mind your own 
business! I’ll tell ma ! You 
mean thing! There, I told 
you so ! You didn’t! I did! 
I will have it! Oh, look what 
you have done ! ’Twas you! 
Won’t you catch it, though! 
It’s my house ! Who’s afraid 
of you ! Get out of this room directly ! Do you hear 
me ? Dear me! I never did see such a thing in all 
my horn days! 
“We are going home,” said a tramp who wanted 
to talk. “ Astor, Stewart, Garner, Lick, and Vander¬ 
bilt, have all dropped out of the busy world within a 
short time. I have myself a cough that worries 'me a 
good deal after hanking hours, and to-day I forgot to 
take fifteen cents with me when I closed the vault.” 
An Irish glazier was putting a pane of glass into a 
window, when a groom who was standing by began 
joking him, telling him to mind and put in plenty of 
putty. The Irishman bore the banter for some time, 
but at last silenced his tormenter with, “ Arrah, now, 
he off wid ye, or I'll put a pain in yer head without 
any putty.” 
A man noted for his close-fisted propensities was 
showing an old coin to a neighbor, when the latter 
asked, “ Where did you get it ? ” “I dug it out of my 
The Evening Hour. 
len,” was the reply. “ It is a pity you didn’t find 
it in the cemetery,” said the neighbor. “Why so?’ 
asked the coin-owner. “ Because you could have 
saved the hole to he buried in,” was the somewhat un¬ 
expected reply. 
A gentleman traveling in Ohio some years ago 
turned in at a country tavern for dinner. The bar¬ 
room was garnished with a d-irty wash-basin, a piece 
of soap the size of a lozenge, and a square yard of 
crash dimly visible through epidermic deposits. Hav¬ 
ing slightly washed, the traveler eyed the rag doubt¬ 
fully, and then asked the proprietor, “ Haven’t you, sir, 
about the premises, a this year’s towel ? ” 
“Hold up a hit,” exclaimed the under man in a 
Front street fight yesterday afternoon, trying to pull 
his thumb out of the top man’s mouth, and vainly 
struggling to disentangle the top man’s hand from his 
hair, and glancing with considerable apprehension at 
the top man’s other hand, which was doubled up into 
a formidable fist, and comiDg down towards his face a 
thousand miles a minute, “ Hold up a hit! Let’s refer 
the rest of this fight to an arbitration committee and 
have a compromise count, and agree beforehand to 
submit to the committee’s decision who licked. 
Old Mr. Bledsoe, although he is a very profane, 
wicked man, very youthful for his years. One 
of his neighbors remarked to Mrs. Bledsoe the other 
day, “ The old man is wearing well, isn’t he? ” “ Oh, 
, vs,” replied the good woman, “he’s swearing well 
enough as it goes, hut con¬ 
sidering the opportunities and 
practice he’s had, he might put 
a little more polish into it.” 
How 'beautiful!—Music, 
we are told by the poet, hath 
charms to soothe the savage 
heart, to soften rocks, or bend 
a knotted oak. But there are 
some things it can’t do, and 
one of them is suggested by 
this incident: 
A sweet little creature sat 
next me at the first recital of 
Chopin’s music, given by Ma¬ 
dame Essipoff. During the 
pathetic Marche Funebre from 
the Sonata, Opus 35, her at¬ 
tention was fixed, as if the 
music had entranced her very 
soul. Her eyes glistened with 
emotion, and her whole face 
was expressive of admiration 
and excitement. When the 
pianist had finished, the gen¬ 
tleman who was with this sweet 
little creature turned to her and 
said: 
“How beautiful!” 
To which she replied : 
“Yes, indeed; doesn’t it fit 
her exquisitely in the hack ? 
How much do you suppose it 
cost a yard ? ” 
An old gentleman went out 
to shoot partridges, accom¬ 
panied by his son. The gun 
was charged half-way up the 
muzzle, and when at last the 
old gentleman started some 
birds he took a rest and blazed 
away, expecting to see some 
fall, of course ; hut not so did it happen, for the gun 
recoiled with so much force as to “ kick” him over. 
The old man got up, and while rubbing the sparks 
ou*t of his eyes inquired of his son, “Dick, did I point 
the right end of the gun t-o the birds.” 
A party of belated gentlemen, about a certain 
hour, began to think of home and their wives’ dis¬ 
pleasure, and urge a departure. “ Never mind,” said 
one of the guests, “ fifteen minutes will make no differ¬ 
ence ; my wife is as mad now as she can he.” 
The Alabama Planter complains that its little gar¬ 
den patch was unprofitable last season : The snails ate 
up the cucumbers, the chickens ate up the snails, the 
neighbors’cats ate up all the chickens, and we are now 
in search of something that will eat up the cats.” 
