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Levities. —When Mrs. 
beautiful WELCOME on 
- was working a 
cardboard to have framed 
and hung over the hall door, her ’cute little son asked 
her if she hadn’t better work a “Come In” to put 
over the outside of the front door. 
Molly Smith’s sweetheart’s name is Will Bones. 
One day Molly was singing “ Silver Threads among 
the Gold ” while she was rolling out piecrust, and had 
just come to the line, “Yes, my darling you will be, 
will be—Here her preco¬ 
cious little brother interrupted 
her with “ Ha, ha, Molly, I 
know w’ho you mean by Will 
B. You just emphasized the 
you all you could. Ha, ha ha! 
Yes, my darling you, Will B., 
Will B.” Molly for the first 
time discovered the significance 
of her tantalizing little brother’s 
remark, and she appreciates it 
so much that she never plays 
and sings “Silver Threads” 
any more, before company, 
while he is around. 
Years ago, when the coun¬ 
try was comparatively a wilder¬ 
ness, Miss Lawrence was en¬ 
gaged in teaching a district 
school in an out-of-the-way 
locality. Grammar and rhet¬ 
oric were branches entirely un¬ 
known in that be'nighted neigh 
borhood, if one might judge 
from the people’s conversation. 
She started the oldest class of 
her school in grammar, and 
they finally learned to know 
the parts of speech, and to 
parse tolerably well. One day 
the brightest pupil in the class 
(a girl of about fourteen years) 
was called upon to parse the 
word “ creature” which was in 
the lesson. “Creature? crea¬ 
ture ?” the puzzled girl slow¬ 
ly repeated, “think I never 
heerd of creature afore, Miss 
Teacher.” Miss Lawrence 
pointed out of the window 
where a number of cattle could 
be seen grazing in the meadow. 
She told the bright scholar that 
these animals was sometimes 
called creatures. At this a 
ray of intelligence seemed to 
light up the girl’s countenance 
as she quickly responded, “Oh, now T know! 
mean critter. Critter’s a neoun." 
The first chicken that Mr. W ever carved was not 
exactly a success. It was in the days of log cabins 
when the country was new, and W. himself was young 
and green. Several ladies were present at the time, 
but no gentlemen except W. He was finally prevailed 
upon, when dinner time came, to carve the chicken, 
though he hesitated at first, doubting his own ability 
to attend to that branch of industry. The guests were 
seated at the table and he essayed to carve, but at the 
first pressure of the knife and fork, the roasted fowl 
bounded off of the plate, landed on the floor and disap¬ 
peared from sight under a bed which was in a recess 
of the room. This caused some merriment, which 
was increased when a little black dog that was in the 
room scampered under the bed, and came out drag¬ 
ging the unfortunate chicken in its mouth. Luckily 
another chicken had been prepared for the repast, and 
was brought in upon a cleau platter. W. made a 
determined effort to cut that meat into some kind of 
shape or other, and the meal proceeded with no more 
accidents. 
Old Doctor Strong, of Hartford, Conn., was not 
often outwitted by his people. On one occasion he had 
you 
The Astonished Baby'. 
invited a young minister to preach for him, who proved 
rather a dull speaker, and whose sermon proved un¬ 
usually long. The people became wearied, and, as 
Doctor Strong lived near the bridge, about the time 
for the commencement of the afternoon service he saw 
his people flocking in great numbers across the river 
to the other church. He readily understood that they 
feared they should hear the same young man in the 
afternoon. Collecting his wits, he said to the young 
minister, “ My brother across the river is very feeble, 
and I know he will take it kindly to have you preach 
to his people. If you will do so, I will give you a 
to have you preach for me, and I want you to preach 
the same sermon you preached to my people tlfll 
morning.” The young minister, supposing this to be 
a commendation of his sermon, started off in good 
spirits, delivered his note, and was invited to preach 
most cordially. He saw before him one-half of Doctor 
Strong’s people, and they had to listen for one hour 
and a half to the same dull, humdrum sermon they had 
heard in the morning. They understood the joke, 
however, and said they would never undertake to run 
away from Doctor Strong again. 
’Cute Little Girl. —A New Hampshire news¬ 
paper tells about a little six- 
yeai’s old girl in a country town 
in that State who went into a 
store where her father was 
lounging, the other day, and 
slyly approaching him, said : 
“ Papa, won’t you buy me a 
new dress ? ” 
“What! buy you a new 
dress, Susie?” 
“ Yes, papa, won’t you ? ” 
“Well, I’ll see; I’ll speak 
to your mother about it.” 
Elongation to an alarming 
extent rapidly spread over the 
little face, but a thought sud¬ 
denly struck her, and with a 
smile she looked up into her 
father’s face and said : 
“ Well, papa, if you do speak 
to mamma about it, touch her 
easy, or she may want the new 
dress herself.” 
The father at once saw the 
point, and the new dress was 
purchased without consultation. 
Too Late. —The woman 
who arrived at the wharf just 
as the excursion boat had a 
start of ten feet, didn’t compre¬ 
hend the situation for a mo¬ 
ment. She didn’t know but 
that boats had a habit of start¬ 
ing off and backing up to keep 
the machinery from getting 
rusty. When she realized that 
she was being left, she jabbed 
a man in the back with her 
elbow, knocked a hat off with 
her parasol, and squealed at 
the top of her voice : 
“Hold on, there— you haven’t 
got me ! ” 
“ Make a jump ! ” screamed 
one boy. “ Swim for it!” called 
out another; while the “left 
woman ” fiercely shouted : 
“ Why don’t some of you folks up there tell the 
captain ? ” 
The people on the upper deck replied by laughing 
and waving their handkerchiefs. The woman on the 
wharf recognized only one among the crowd, and 
pointing her parasol directly at her, and holding it ex¬ 
tended, as if taking aim, she shouted : 
“You want to understand, Mrs. Baker, that you 
can never, never borrow any more butter or flat-irons 
of me ! ” 
bi 
4 
note to him, and be as much obliged to you as I would ; any more rag dolls ; 
“Mamma, my doll’s weared out, and 
