iPlonxi fiaEinet «Lrt3 JHctoiml ft o hie fioraijmnloii. 
The Wrong Kind of a Candle.— A Kentucky 
paper relates that during the Christinas holidays, Stal¬ 
ling Curd, an industrious colored man, living near 
Bristow, in that State, gave an entertainment at his 
house. His wife asked him, coming to town the day ■ 
before the frolic, to get a tall candle with which to ^ 
ornament and illuminate the table. Starling called on ^ 
H. C. Hines & Co. for the caudle, but stated the ease ^ 
in such a shape that Mr. Hines thought he wanted . 
a Roman ca -idle. It was accordingly put up lor him, [ 
and Starling returned to his home, 
when his wife insisted that lie had' 
made a mistake, saying that it was 
a candle she wanted. Starling 
assured her that it was the latest 
style of candle he had purchased, 
and, to prove it, stuck it into the 
tire. To the astonishment of both, 
a. flaming ball popped out; then 
another, and another, when the 
frightened Starling dropped the 
“internal machine” upon the floor. 
Another explosion, threatening the 
destruction of the house, and he 
again seized it, but, unfortunately, 
wrong end foremost, when a ball 
struck him in the abdomen. Sud¬ 
denly turning it around, another 
ball shot out through a new coun¬ 
terpane, through which it burned 
a large hole. The whole house¬ 
hold was in a state of terror, and 
Starling went to town the next 
day with a mind full of lawsuits 
for damages, but, being a fair- 
minded man, was pacified when it 
was explained that Mr. Hines mis¬ 
understood him. 
A Precocious Philosopher. 
—A young philosopher of seven 
years of age, who had not, got far 
enough to hear the Holy Scrip¬ 
tures disputed by science, listened 
attentively in his father’s parlor, 
the other evening, to a warm dis 
mission on the Darwinian theory, 
and, after the guests had departed, 
somewhat surprised the paternal 
with: 
‘‘Father, I don’t believe Mr. 
Darwin is right.” “What?” said 
the parent, looking down at this 
unexpected reasoner, who stood 
behind him with a little Bible in 
his hand; “you do not, and why?” 
“ Because, papa, my Bible says ‘ God created man 
in His own image,’ and 1 don t believe it was a 
monkey.” “Well, well,” said the sire, laughing, 
“ run along, Tommy; you are too young to talk about 
such things.” 
“But, papa, almost the next verse says, ‘ God saw 
everything He had made, and behold it was very good.’ 
Now, it wasn’t good if men were monkeys, was it? 
For you are gooder than a monkey, ain’t you, papa?” 
An old bachelor having been laughed at by a 
party of pretty girls, told them: “You are small 
potatoes!” “We may be small potatoes,” said one of 
them: “hut we are sweet ones.” 
A Detroiter was called on as a witness in a case 
before one of the justices lately, and when the oath 
was administered he raised both bands and said: “I 
shall spoke nodding what ain’t drew if ever I hope to 
die so quick as a minute!” He was so earnest and 
solemn that the lawyers let him alone. 
A little miss, writing to her father on the first 
day of her entrance at boarding-school, says: “The 
first evening we had prayers, and then singing, and a 
passing around of bread, which I did not take, because, 
not being confirmed, I thought 1 bad no right to take 
communion. Afterward 1 learned that 1 had lost my 
supper.” 
A bright little girl of this city, the day before 
the meeting of the conference, in great glee, told one 
of her little chums that “ Mamma is going to have 
a hired girl during conference week, as there will be 
lots of confidence men in town then.” 
“ Over Yonder.” 
Little Johnny lias peculiar views as to original 
sin. One day he was about to be punished for some 
misdemeanor, when be pleaded: “ It wasn’t me, 
mamma, dear—it was the bad man.” “Well, John¬ 
ny, I’m going to whip the had man out of you.” 
“Ah, yes, hut that’ll hurt me a precious lot more than 
it will the had man.” 
An Englishman was boasting to a Yankee that 
they had a hook in the British Museum which was 
once owned by Cicero. “Oh, that ain’t nothin’,” 
retorted the Yankee; “in the museum in Bosting 
they’ve got the lead-pencil that Noah used to check 
off the animals that went into the ark.” 
The other day a Vicksburg wife went into the 
country on a visit, without saying anything to or 
leaving word for her husband. He was uneasy on 
returning home, and made inquiries among the neigh¬ 
bors. “ Gone !—missing !” exclaimed one woman ; 
“why, I should think you’d be uneasy about her!” 
“I am,” he replied, wearing a sorrowful look, “for some 
one has got to split the wood to get breakfast with !” 
A boy of five years was “play¬ 
ing railroad ” with his sister of two 
and a-half years. Drawing her 
upon a footstool, he imagined him¬ 
self both the engine and the con¬ 
ductor. After imitating tbepufiing 
noise of the steam, lie stopped and 
called out: “New York,” and, in 
a moment after. “Paterson,” and 
then “ Philadelphia.” His little 
sister said eagerly, “Top; I des 
I’ll dit out here and do to Centen¬ 
nial !” 
A doting mother of a waggish 
boy having bottled a quantity of 
nice preserves, labelled them, “Put 
up by Mrs. Doo.” Johnny, having 
discovered the goodies, soon ate 
the contents of one bottle, and 
wrote on the bottom of the label, 
‘ Put down by Johnny Doo.” 
One day Bill had company to 
dine with him, and his wife, wish¬ 
ing William to appear well, quietly 
admonished him to he careful what 
he said. All went well till Bill 
got his potatoes well mashed, when 
he said: “Dolly, pass the grease !” 
“Why, William,” said his wife, 
“ you must call it gravy.” “Wall,” 
says Bill, “ I auess if J get it on 
your tablecloth it would he grease.” 
The guests shouted. 
For a printers’s wife, Em ; for 
a sport’s wife, Betty; for a lawyer’s 
wife, Sue ; for a teamster’s wife, 
Carrie; for a fisherman’s wife, 
Nettie ; for a shoemaker’s wife, 
Peggy ; for a carpet-man’s wife, 
Mattie; for an auctioneer's wife. 
Biddy ; for a chemist’s wife, Anna 
Eliza; for an engineer’s wife. 
Bridget. 
A drunken man came home at 
midnight. After avouching that 
somebody had stolen the keyhole, his wife admitted 
him with a scowl on her brow and a lamp in her hand. 
“Brute!” she exclaimed. “ Br-o-o-t, (hie)—Givus 
harder one.” “ Idiot!” ‘ ‘ Tbaz harder (hie), hut I kin 
spellum. I-d—I-dg—I-d-i-g-t, Idiot. Now givus er 
stunner (hie).” She picked up a poker and gave it. 
A good story is told of Spurgeon. His habit is to 
l shut himself up on Saturdays. One Saturday a man 
called and insisted on seeing him. “ Tell him,” said 
: the visitor to the servant, that a servant of the 
Lord wishes to see him. The message was delivered 
and the following returned: “Tell him that I am 
engaged with his Master.” 
