Tctfilixet *m3 ftctoriial Home 
Indies a? ioroi 
mrtion 
appearing first to a female after the resurrection, for it 
was done that the glad tidings might spread the 
sooner.” 
The was a young lady from the city, and he asked 
her if she would partake of an ice-cream. She gently 
answered : “ If it’s good, square confectioner’s cream, 
I’m there; but if it’s picnic or strawberry-festival 
slush, count me out! ” 
A clerical candidate for a lectureship somewhere 
in England was called upon to deliver a discourse be¬ 
fore the trustees of the endowment, and in order to 
show his cleverness he took for his text the single word 
“ but.” He thereupon proceeded to show that no po- 
Whittier Telling at School. —A correspondent 
of the Cincinnati Enquirer tells this anecdote of the 
poet Whittier’s success in aiding a little girl at a 
school examination : 
You know Whittier’s love for children. The aged 
poet this winter has renewed his youth, like the eagle’s, 
in a handsome overcoat of the purest Ulster pattern, 
clad upon with which he attended last week’s school 
examination up among the Berkshire hills, so dear to 
him. He was standing beside the teacher, who was 
catechising a dimpled little dot in 
geography. 
“ What are the provinces of 
Ireland ? ” asked the teacher. 
“ Potatoes, whiskey, aldermen, 
patriotism, and—” began the 
child. 
“No, no,” interrupted the 
teacher; “I didn’t mean pro¬ 
ducts ; I said provinces.” 
“Oh,” said the girl, “Con¬ 
naught, Leinster, Munster, and 
—and—•” Here she stuck, put 
her chubby finger in her rosebud 
mouth, and sought inspiration 
successively in her toes, the cor¬ 
ner of her apron, the ceiling and 
the poet. All children love the 
dear old Quaker poet’s kindly 
face. He smiled; her face 
brightened sympathetically. The 
entente cordiale had been estab¬ 
lished between them. He patted 
his coat significantly; she looked 
at him inquiringly; he nodded, 
and she burst out— 
“Oh, Miss Simmons, I know 
now. They are Connaught, 
Leinster, Munster, and Over¬ 
coat ! ” 
The first time that General 
Custer set his handsome eyes up¬ 
on his future wife was when he 
was fifteen years old, and going 
to school in Monroe, Mich. Go¬ 
ing along the street one day, the 
rough, flaxen-headed, freckled¬ 
faced boy passed a little black- 
eyed, eight-year-old girl swing¬ 
ing on a gate. She was a pretty 
little creature, her father’s pet, an 
only child, and naturally spoiled. 
She said archly, her little face 
dimpling with smiles: 
“ Hello ! you Custer boy! ” 
Then, frightened at her own temerity,turned and fled 
into the house. It was love at first sight with the 
wild young savage of fifteen, and he then and there 
vowed that some day that small girl should be his 
wife. And so she was. but only after many lovers’ 
woes; for Judge Bacon, pretty Lizzie’s father, was for 
a long time obdurate toward the young man who he 
feared was fickle and unstable, and his daughter and 
her suitor submitted most patiently to his will until at 
last he relented. 
A friar, when preaching in a nunery, observed to 
his females auditors : “ Be not too proud that our 
blessed Lord paid your sex the distinguished honor of 
“When the Swallows Homeward Fly.” 
sition in life is without corresponding cross or opposite 
trial, and illustrated his text by many passages of 
Scripture. Naaman was a mighty man of valor, but 
he was a leper. The five cities of the plain were fruit¬ 
ful, but the men of Sodom were awful sinners. I 
called, but you answered not, and etc. When the 
candidate came down from the pulpit and entered the 
vestry, the senior trustee politely remarked, “ Sir, you 
gave us a most ingenious discourse, and we are much 
obliged to you; but we don’t think you are the 
preacher for us.” 
There is a story told of two Scotch lads who knew 
little of gunnery and natural history, but were familiar 
with King James’s Bible and with the winged heads 
that pass for cherubs in painting and sculpture. Go¬ 
ing out a-gunning together, one of them shot a bird, 
and the other ran to secure the trophy. Coming near 
where it had fallen, he found a white owl so sprawled 
in the grass, as to present to his view only a head 
with staring eyes and a pair of wings attached. In¬ 
stantly he shouted in dismay: “ Ye’re in for it now, 
Jock, ye’ve shot a cherubim !” 
A gentleman had occasion to correct his daughter, 
aged four, recently. After it was over, and she had 
sat awhile, she went to her mother and inquired:— 
“Don’t you think it would do papa good to go out¬ 
doors “2 ” 
“You politicians are queer 
people,” said an old business 
man to an impecunious partisan. 
“ How so ? ” asked the politician. 
“Why, because you trouble your¬ 
selves more about the payment of 
the debts of the State than you do 
about your own ! ” 
An Irishman to whom.some 
wonderful story was told on the 
authority of a penny paper, de¬ 
clined to believe it, saying he dis¬ 
trusted all he saw in the “ cheap 
prints.” “ Why shouldn’t you 
believe the cheap papers,” he was 
asked, “as soon as any other?” 
“Because,” was his ready an¬ 
swer, “I don’t think they can 
afford to speak the truth for the 
money.” 
A stout German in the beer 
industry to an. unprofitable cus¬ 
tomer : “Here, now, you took 
dose doors und walk owet mid 
your ears, eh?” (He doesn’t.) 
“ Heim, you don’t got out ? Yell, 
you waits a minute und I gets a 
man dot vill! ” 
“ Oh, heavens, save my wife !” 
shouted a man whose ■wife had 
fallen overboard in the Hudson 
river, recently. They succeeded 
in rescuing her. And her hus¬ 
band tenderly embraced her, say¬ 
ing, “My dear, if you’d been 
drowned, what should I have 
done? I ain’t going to let you 
carry the pocketbook again.” 
A Chinese laundry man died 
of starvation at Louisville, the 
other day, with these pathetic 
and expressive words on his lips: 
“Bes’ thing Chinaman do in 
-flee weekee—only washee lun 
heap stlarve on nothling.” 
die- 
Kentuckee he 
shirtee—him get no payee 
Junior, translating the passage from the modern 
German comedy: “ Als ich meine eleganteste Sliaiol 
aus der Wasclie siehe —” looks at the notes, and find¬ 
ing “ shawl: anglicism,” renders: “ When I took my 
most elegant anglicism out of the wardrobe.” 
A young gentleman who moves in the best so¬ 
ciety of San Antonio, said the other evening to a 
young lady, “ The foliage is much more exuberant 
this year than usual.” “ Yes,” she answered, thought¬ 
fully, “ All them imported fruits is cheaper than they 
used to be.” 
