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141 
Olive Logan revives a pleasant little domestic 
story of Queen Victoria when she was at once one of 
the best sovereigns and devoted wives that ever graced 
the English throne : Long years ago—hut this is a 
hit of exclusive reminiscence known only to a few— 
the Queen, in the early days of her wedded life, had 
one of those squabbles with her husband of the sort 
which will come about between the most loving mar¬ 
ried couples. Chagrined and vexed, the Prince re¬ 
tired to his room and locked the door. The Queen 
took the matter quietly for awhile, 
but after the lapse of an hour she 
went to the door and rapped. “Al¬ 
bert,” said she, “come out.” “No, 
I will not! ” answered the Prince 
within. “ Come, go away ; leave 
alone.” The royal temper 
to make the thing go north, but ’twas no use; ’t would 
diddle, diddle, diddle right round, and point southeast 
every time.” 
While the English excursionists were on the Capi¬ 
tol Square in Richmond, Va., the other day, a fine- 
looking Englishman pointed to a squirrel some dis¬ 
tance off, and inquired of a citizen, “ Can you tell me, 
sir, what ‘hiusect’ that is hover there?” Citizen: 
“That’s a squirrel, sir.” John Bull: “Oh! ah! 
Thanks.” 
An old pioneer, who believed that “ what was to 
be would be,” lived in a region infested by Indians. 
He always took his gun with him, and once, finding 
weep?” was asked. “Alas, things are not as they 
used to be! ” answered the devoted son. “ The poor 
woman’s arm grows feebler every day.” 
A gentleman had a board put up on a part of his 
land, on which was written, “ I will give this field to 
any one who is really contented; ” and when an appli¬ 
cant came, he asked, “ Are you contented ? ” The 
general answer 
was, 
• .. . 
me 
lifers 
prfslb 
waxed hot at this. “ Sir,” she 
cried, “ come out at once; the 
Queen, whose subject you are, com¬ 
mands you ! ” He obeyed imme¬ 
diately. Entering the room she 
designated, he sat down in silence. 
For a long time nothing was said. 
The Queen was first to break the 
silence. “ Albert,” she said, “speak 
to me.” “ Does the Queen com¬ 
mand it?” he asked. “No,” she 
answered, throwing her arms about 
his neck, “ your wife begs it.” 
“Where’s the refrigerator?” 
asked an old lady, after vainly try¬ 
ing to find the elevator to a store 
with all the modern improvements. 
“We’ve no refrigerator, but there’s 
an ice cooler over in that corner,” 
said one of the girls in attendance. 
“None of your imperence, young 
woman, or I’ll report you to your 
employer and have you discharged,” 
retorted the old lady in great wrath. 
James Russell LoweU tells a 
good story about his butcher. One 
morning the man expatiated upon 
the loveliness of the moonlight of 
the night before, and just as the 
poet was thinking that he had done 
him an injustice in never having 
given him credit for refinement of 
soul, the butcher said, “Last night 
was so fine I jest couldn’t sleep, and 
had to get up and go to killin’.” 
A Pennsylvania Dutchman, 
who married Lis second wife soon 
after the funeral of the first, w r as 
visited with a two hours’ serenade 
in token of disapproval. He expostulated pathetically 
thus: “I say, poys, you ought to be ashamed of 
yourselfs to be making all dis nois ven dar vas a fune¬ 
ral here so soon.” 
An old hunter in Michigan, when the country was 
new, got lost in the woods several times. He was 
told to buy a pocket compass, which he did, and a 
friend explained its use. He soon got lost, and laid 
out as usual. When found he was asked why he did 
not travel by the compass. He stated that he did not 
dare to. He wished to go north, and he “tried hard 
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that some one of his family had borrowed it, he would 
not go without it. His friends rallied him, saying that 
there was no danger of the Indians, as, anyhow, he 
would not die till his time came. “ Yes,” said old 
Leather-stocking, “but suppose I was to meet an In¬ 
dian, and his time was come, it wouldn’t do not to 
have my gun.” 
The extensive authority of parents under the Chi¬ 
nese laws is well known. A Chinaman of forty years, 
whose aged mother flogged him every day, shed tears 
in the company of one of his friends. “Why do you 
I am;” and his reply invari¬ 
ably was, “ Then what do you want with my field ? ” 
A young clergyman seems to have compressed the 
whole body of his sermon on ‘ ‘ deceit ” into the follow • 
ing : “ Oh! my brethren, the snowiest shirt-front may 
conceal an aching bosom and the stiffest of all-round¬ 
ers encircle a throat that has many 
a bitter pill to swallow.” 
A fast youth asked at a San 
Francisco restaurant: “What 
have you got ? ” “ Almost every¬ 
thing,” was the reply. “Almost 
everything? Well, give me a plate 
of that.” “ Certainly. One plate 
of hash! ” yelled the waiter. 
The laziest man is on a Western 
paper. He spells photograph “ 4- 
tograpli.” There has only been 
three w'orse than he. One lived 
out in Kansas, and dated his letters 
“ llworth,”, another spelled Ten- 
nesee, “ lOaC,” and the other wrote 
Wyandotte, “Y&.” 
An old Scotchwoman, whose fa¬ 
vorite son was in the habit of swear¬ 
ing occasionally, w r as censured by 
her minister for not correcting him. 
“ It’s very wrong, minister,” she 
admitted, “butye maun aloo that 
it sets aff conversation mightily.” 
The Middletown (Conn.) ceme¬ 
tery contains this epitaph : 
Beautiful flowers of Middletown, 
How art thou cutted down I cutted down I 
Charles Mathews, the come¬ 
dian, was served by a greengrocer 
named Berry, and generally settled 
his hill once a quarter. At one 
time the account was sent in before 
it was due, and Mathews, laboring 
under an idea that his credit was 
doubted, said: “ Here’s a pretty 
mull, Berry. You have sent in 
your bill, Berry, before it was due, 
Berry. Your father, the elder 
Berry, would not have been such a 
goose, Berry. But you need not 
look so black, Berry, for I don’t 
care a straw, Berry, and shan’t pray 
you till Christmas, Berry.” 
An English clergyman was 
“turned down” at a fashionable 
spelling-bee for spelling drunkenness with one “ n.” 
Shortly afterward he returned to his parish, and found 
himself very coldly received by his parishioners. He 
sent for the parish clerk and asked him what was the 
cause. “Well, sir,” replied the man, “a report has 
come down here that you was turned out of a great 
lady’s house in London for drunkenness.” 
A member of a country choir had his hair cut very 
closely, and when he had to sing on the following 
Sunday, “ Cover xny defenceless head,” there was a 
general titter and a smiling from behind the fans. 
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