12 
LAND & WATER 
>i()\\nilxi 30, 191G 
Sentonccs Act ? " I interjoctod. "Aronrirminsiuithoriiy 
can suspend tho sentence the moment he contirms it and 
keep the man in the trenches. Docsri't that dispense 
witn the necessity of F.P. ? " 
" Not a bit of it. Quite the contrary. Supposinf; 
you've suspended the sentence, and the fellow is one of 
the kind who doesn't want to retrieve liis character ; 
in fact, an old offender or a cold-footed rotter who 
doesn't care a damn for your clemencj-, and he goes and 
commits another offence, where are j'ou ? You've got 
to send him to gaol after all unless — that's where 1*".P. come 
in." 
" Your counsel is as the counsel of Ahithophel." 1 said. 
" Not mine. It's tiie A.G.'s — bless his holy name. 
He thought it all out. You see, you've got to stop up 
e\ ery earth. As to I'.P. No. i — they call it ' cruciii.xion.' 
It's sometimes a thief on the cross, 1 admit — some fellows 
think nothing of pinching a yal's belongings — but thore 
isn't any cross. I've ne\'er seen one. I \e known a 
fellow pegged (Jut — once — and that was because ho tried to 
kick the provost-sergeant in liis vitals. But the only F.P. 
1 ever inriicted when I was an O.C. was tying up by one 
arm. Why, damn it ! A fellow must wipe his nose, j'ou 
know. 
" Of course, there are limits to F.P. If a fellow's 
made up his mind to get jugged to avoid ser\icc, jugged 
he'll get, sooner or later, and if his conduct in prison is 
ingeniously and scientifically bad, then you can't send 
him back to the trenches imder suspension. So he gets 
out of the army — or rather out of the trenches — and to a 
certain kind of man and his class Wormwood Scrubbs or 
Parkhurst is no disgrace. Mind you, I'm not saying 
they are typical. Most of the men in the army are 
iirst-rate fellows, but you've now got conscription, and 
that means you've got the worst as well as the best. But 
there's no such way open to an officer if he should get cold 
feet, for the simple reason that prison to him is a stumbling 
block and cashiering foolishness. In other words, the 
only way of leaving the army open to an ofticer is closed 
to him — to put it parado.xicaliy. He can't resign his 
commission." 
" No," I said. " I remember when I asked you, just 
after I was gazetted, how an officer could resign his 
commission on active service, you said ' the only way 
you can be sure of doing it is to go into the orderly-room 
and hit the adjutant one in the eye.' " 
" Yes," said the Colonel " it's never been known to 
fail. But it isn't often used." 
" You were going to tell me a story," I said, after a 
pause. " About a holy terror." 
" Was I ? Oh, yes ! \\"ell, there was a fellow in a certain 
regiment who was absolutely the limit. A general prac- 
titioner in army ' crime,' in fact. He wasn't so much 
vicious as intractable. His tenancy of the guard-room 
was so frequent, continuous, and exclusive that I some- 
times wonder he didn't get put on the register as a voter 
in virtue of an occupation franchise. That fellow's regi- 
mental conduct-sheet was quite unique. He'd have 
given the Recording Angel writer's cramp. You know 
how jealously conduct-sheets are kept in the army, and 
that fellow's record extended over twelve years. ' Absent 
from tattoo parade when on inlying picket : 6 days C.B.,', 
' Absent from defaulter's roll-call at 2 p.m. ; 168 hours. : ' 
' Absent until apprehended by the police at 6.30 p.m., 
2 months' I.H.L.' ' Disobedience of Battalion's Orders, 
fastening his kit with coat-straps : 8 days' C.B.' ' Drunk- 
enness : fined 2s. 6d.' ' Putting his head through a pane 
of glass in the guard-room : stoppages of pay.' ' Dirty 
on parade.' — ' Quitting fatigue without permission.' 
' Irregular conduct on Church parade.' ' Improper 
language to a N.C.O.' — ' PuUing the leg of the regimental 
goat.' — 'Singing '' Onward Christian soldiers" at punish- 
ment drill,' and so on. Well, when the present show 
started, he went out with the rest of his battalion and the 
leopard didn't change his spots. 'Very good fellow in 
a scrap all the same. And I must say the O.C.'s bull- 
pup had a high opinion of him — and I've nev-er known 
that dog make a mistake. He had nursed the pup through 
a distemper. One day in the trenches he was brought 
before the O.C. in his dug-out and charged with g:iving 
the sergeant lip. ' Do you elect to be tried summarily ? ' 
said the O.C. ' Yes, please, sir,' he said. 
," .'\s you know .c\cry man who is tried for an offence 
involving forfeiture of pay — and F.P. always means that 
—can elect to have a court martial. But he was a downy 
bird — knew the Red Book from end to end, though he'd 
never read a word of it — and he knew that an O.C. 
can only give 28 days F.P. at the most, while a CM. can 
award as much as qo days. 'Very well,' said the O.C, 
after the hearing was over, ' 14 daj-s F.P. No. i.' So 
the sergeant took Ijim back to a dump and lashed him 
to a waggon by one arm, making it extra tight with a 
double knot, for he knew his man. That was for a two- 
hour shift, which, as you know, is the maximum dose 
pel' diem. 
'" \\\-\[, a few minutes later a German Taube came 
reconnoitring o\er our lines. It soon spotted the dump 
and signalled to the enemy batteries. And then the Hun 
began pitching heavy stulf over— 8-inch. First short, then 
wide, but always getting nearer the spot until that dump 
was as black as a Man-of-War coaling her bunkers. 
The O.C. and two or three company officers were watching 
the display from the trenches near the O.C.'s dug-out 
in the support-trenches, and the company officers were 
exchanging odds on the chances of the Hun's getting a 
direct hit. 
" ' I'll bet you 2 to i the next's a dud,' said one of them 
who was bored stiff. 
" ' Done ! ' said the other. 
" Of course, everyone had forgotten all about the 
holy terror— the O.C. had many other things to think 
about. And suddenly the O.C. said, ' Good God ! ' 
and scrambled over the parados and made a bee-line for 
the dump. His officers no doubt thought he'd gone off 
his chump. And the O.C.'s bull-pup, who was getting 
fed up with the trenches, went tearing after him. Well, 
he made tracks over the open ground — unhealthy place, 
and the surface like a Gruycre cheese — and after doing 
the mile in record time he got to the waggon. There 
was the fellow still tied to the waggon, covered with 
black earth, the veins on his temples standing out like 
whipcord, and yeUing ' I'll be hit — Gawd's trewth, I'll 
be hit.' He was not a coward by a long way, but by 
that time his nerve had gone. The bull-pup, who bad 
no ner\-es, began leaping up trying to kiss his dirty face. 
The colonel whipped out his knife, and in a trice cut him 
loose. He had to be pretty quick. ' Now follow me, 
my man,' he says, and they made a sprint for the com- 
munication trench. It was rather quaint, as the dog 
kept running from one to the other, thinking it all a 
huge lark and being frightfully pleased because, for the 
first time in his life, he was being taken out for a walk 
at one and the same time by the only two men he 
cared a cuss for. He'd always been trying to bring them 
together, not being very wcUup in military etiquette. 
When they'd got a few hundred yards they got a bad 
djse of shrapnel. And as luck would ha\e it the holy 
terror got hit in the leg, which flopped as though he'd 
got locomotor ataxia — tendons smashed. 
I'm done, sir,' he said and collapsed. So the O.C. 
picked him up and — " 
" What a splendid thing to do," I said impulsively. 
My friend snorted. " Not a bit of it," he said. '' The 
O.C. had had him tied up — what else could he do but go 
and untie him ? You don't suppose he was going to 
leave him there. He'd never have been able to look his 
dog in the face again. Oh no ! Damn it ! Can't leave a 
fellow like an Aunt Sally for Huns to shy at. 
" Well, now, would you befieve it, that fellow turned 
over a new leaf from that very daj^ When he was 
evacuated and returned fit for duty he was a new man. 
Talk about the penitent form at a revival meeting ! 
He's a company sergeant-major now. And he'd have 
licked that O.C.'s boots if the O.C. had let liim ; he had 
to content himself with blacking them as his batman till 
he got his stripes." 
***** 
There was a pause. The Colonel studied the ibex ; 
I studied the Colonel. 
''^ I say, sir, what was the name of that O.C. ? " I asked. 
" Fine pair of horns that," said the colonel. " I 
remember when I was shooting buck in South Africa -" 
" Excu.se me, sir, but what was the name of the 
O.C. ? " I persisted. 
The Colonel seemed annoyed ; he coloured slightly. 
" I — I forget," he said. 
