September 6, 1917 
LAND & WATER 
15 
spread information. Particular figures are. not given, but 
these general terms are commonly repeated : " Over a Million 
War Widows." They are used in arguments in favour of 
an early peace ; in rhetorical descriptions of the horrors of 
wa.r ; in dry calculations of expenditure and strain: 
\\'ell, it is" interesting to remark that the proportion of mar- 
ried men in the German forces mobilised since the beginning 
of the war for ar'nc sendee, that is, the classes '94 to '18 
inclusive, is something between 52 and 53 per cent. In the 
younger classes there are, of course, very few married inen 
indeed. In th.e youngest of all not i per cent. In the older 
classes tlie proportion gets steadily higher, until one reaches 
the oldest class with a proportion of nearly 80 per cent., and 
the average, if you take the whole lot and number them 
separately, is just over one-half, 32 to 53 per cent, of the 
Germans exposed to death from this war are married men. 
In other words, the admission of just over a million war 
widows exactly corresponds to that figure of just on two million 
German military dead which we postulated for June. 
It is only one other example of tlie way in which true statis- 
tics alwa\'s converge to prove the same general result within 
a small margin of error, whereas false statistics can always 
be exposed if one is patient enough to lie in wait for the points 
in which they give themselves away. H. Belloc 
Progressive Whist 
By Alec Waugh 
PRIVATE WALKER of the 305th Machine Gun Com- 
pany overslept himself. It was not the first time he 
had done it, nor will it be the last. Reveille had 
gone at 6.30, and it was now nearly seven o'clock, 
only just time to shave and wash before breakfast. He had 
meant to clean the barrel of the gun during that time : it 
was in an awful state ; he had dropped it in the mud the night 
before ; it must be cleaned before the next parade. One never 
knew when it might be inspected. You could never trust 
officers, they always did things at such funny times. That 
barr?l had to be cleaned, and yet the mess orderlies were just 
going for the food. If he cleaned it now, he would miss his 
meal, and Private Walker could not rememlx'r a singk- 
(xrcasion on which he had done that. No, the barrel would 
have to wait ; lireakfast was much more important. 
But the morning of Private Walker's well-earned rest also 
happened to Ix; the morning Captain Evans had chosen for 
one of his surprise visits to the gun teams. No one ever knew 
when he was coming, usually he never knew himself till five 
iTiinutes before. Nothing was ready for him. His visits 
wore a daily menace to the Subaltern. 
And so half way through the morning parades a whisper ran 
round No. 2 section, " Cap's coming round." Private 
Walkers heart sank within him. He pictured himself in irons 
bound to a wheel undergoing ten weeks P.P. No. i. He had 
visions of court-martials and a crime sheet miles long. Out 
of the corner of bis' eye he could see Captain Evans inspect- 
ing the gun, he saw him take out the barrel, and hold it 
up to the light. ' 
" Mr. Ferguson," thundered the Captain. 
■ Sir," answered the section officer rushing up. 
' This barrel is filthy, Mr. Ferguson, filthy, a di.sgrace to 
the company." 
" Yes, sir. Sergeant Simpson . . ." 
I don't want to hear anything about S>ergeant Simpson, 
Mr. Fergusiai," shouted th; Captain, " this gun is under your 
charge and I expect it tQ be clean. That's what section officers 
are for. You don't know your duty. If you can't keep your 
guns clean when you are out of the line, what are you going 
to do in action. Ver>' bad, Mr. Ferguson, very bad. 1 
can see that you've got no hold over your section. Your leave 
will be stopped for three months." 
Mr. Ferguson was left overwhelmed ; he had been counting 
on that leave, and after all it wasn't his fault that the rotten 
gun was dirty ; that wasn't his job, it was the ^rgeant's job, 
and he wasn't going to take this sort of thing lying down. 
Instantly he despatched, an orderly for th^ section sergeants. 
" Look here, you two," he began, " this barrel is absolutely 
filthy." 
"Yes, Sir, Lance-Corporal . . ." 
" I don't want to hear anything about any Lancc-Corporal. 
You two are directly responsible for that gun being clean. 
That's what you are sergeants for. If you don't keep your 
guns clean you are not fit to be sergeants. You are both 
under open arrest." 
.As soon as he had gone the two sergeants looked at each other. 
" 'Twern't our bloomin' fault. Bill." 
" Naw, Joe, 'twas that blasted fool of a Lance 
Jack, 'ere you," he bawled at one of the men, " ver run 
off and fetch me Lance-Corporal Wilkinson and hustle 
yerself too." 
" Look 'ere, me lad," said Sergeant Simpson to the per- 
spiring one stripe, " that there barrel of yours is awful dirty. 
can't see down it." 
" Is it now ? " 
" Not 'arf it bloomin' well ain't." 
" Well Sergeant, Privat(r Walker . . ." 
" I don't want to hear about your Private Walker, it's 
your fa)ilt if 'c don't clean his gun, that's what you"rc;there for. 
Don't thmk yer there for your looks, do yer ? You can go under 
clo.se arrest you can, off yer get to the guardroom and bloo min 
Huick too." 
Lance-Corporal Wilkinson went to tlie guardroom, but on the 
way he had five minutes' vituperative conversation with 
Private Walker. 
" See 'ere, you bloomin' fool, that gun o' yours is dirty, 
got that ? It's your job to see it's clean, got that ? And ter- 
morrer morning you'll be up before the Cap'n, got that? 
Twenty-six days number one, that's what you're in for, got 
that ? Now then don't answer me back ; you're for it. See ? " 
.\nd so at last the long arm of justice was on the collar of 
the real culprit. 
* « * * 
Next morning there was a string of prisoners for company 
orders. The two Sergeants were marched in first. 
" Dirty barrel. Sir," explained Mr. F'erguson, '.'it was in a 
most filthy condition, and it's the sergeants' job to see that 
it's clean. Sir." 
" H'm," said the Captain, " is this the gun I spoke to you 
about, Mr. p-erguson ? " 
" Yes, Sir." 
"H'm, well-er-yes," said the Captain dubiously. It was 
obviously the section officer's fault that the barrel was dirty 
and yet he had to back up his officers. " Look here." he 
blazed out, " You're sergeants, and are supposed to look after 
your section. You've got no excuse ..." 
" Please Sir . . ." 
" Don't answer me back, you've got no excuse whatever. 
It's through sergeants like you that the company will be losing 
their good name, do you see ? " 
" Yes, Sir." 
■' Well-er-let me see. there's a twenty mile route march 
to-morrow isn't there Sergeant Major ? I" thought so. You'll 
conduct it, Sergeant Simpson, and Sergeant Henry, you'll 
attend. March out. 
Then Lance-Corporal Wilkinson was marched in. 
"A dirty barrel. Sir," explained the two sergeants in 
tmison. " It's the Lance -Corporal's job to see that the gun is 
cleaned. Sir. We can't do it all Sir ; we expect him to do th^t 
Sir. We have a lot to do Sir. What with guards, sir. 
and ..." 
" Yes, yes," said the Captain ; this was getting beyond a 
joke, still he supposed he had to back up his sergeants. It 
was the only way to maintain discipline ; if he didn't punish 
the men his N.C.O.'s brought up, they would cease to take 
interest in their work. " It's the Corporal's job to see after 
his gun," ho said. " if the gun's dirty it's your fault." 
" But Sir ..." 
" Don't answer me back. It's your fault, see ? Sergeant 
Major, put Lance-Corporal Wilkinson down for Cook House 
Guard. March out." 
And then trembling and without an excuse Private Walker, 
No. 1532 of the 305th M.G. Company,' jons et origo malt, was 
brought into the presence of Justice. 
•| A dirty barrel Sir," said Lance-Corporal Wilkinson. 
" It's his fault. I alius says to my No. i. ' It's you as 'as 
got to fire that there gun, an it's up ter you ter see that it's 
clean.' That's what I says Sir to my No. i, Sir, I says 
Nt>. I . . ." 
" Yes thank you Corporal, quite enough. Now is this the 
same gun ? " 
" Yes Sir." 
" Well, I am sick of it " ; the Captain's endurance was at an 
end. " I've heard enough about this beastly gun, and I am 
not going to hear any more. It's wasted enough of my time 
already. Case dismissed. March out." 
And so Justice was robbed of its prey : and yet not wholly 
so. For, i)etwcen ' First Post ' and ' Lights Out,' two irate 
Sergeants and an outraged Lance-Corporal liad a good deal 
to say to Private Walker. 
