1310] 
able neise, or are teazed with their sul- 
kiness. » 
In the description of beauty, I find 
too, that the girls are all fair; all shoulder-- 
of-mutton complexions, and .dead-fish 
eyes. They cut the fine majestic brunette, 
No lark-heels are particularized ; no no- 
tice is taken of the physiological fact, 
that the nymph-like form scarcely lasts 
but from seventeen to’ twenty-two, and 
that afterwards the shoulders begin to 
square, and the haunches to be promi- 
nent and mountainous; nor is it noted, 
‘that soon after the last period, they often 
begin to carry a portly abdomen. 
{ observe, that in novels, people have 
no appetites. They take indeed long 
walks, but not a word is said of their‘be- 
coming hungry, though all this is very na- 
tural. They do, it is true, partake of an 
elegant refreshment, but itis always in a 
mincing petty way: a ;man might cry 
“ You don’t eat” over and over again, till 
his lungs were cracked; he would stand 
»no more chance of being heard, than a 
- whistle would have ina storm. Miss and 
Master are staring at each other; or 
if they don’t stare, they do worse, squint; 
which, .in their language, is called glan- 
cing. At last down goes a tumbler of 
heer, out comes the handkerchief, such 
rabbing gnd scrubbing! “ Maria!” says 
_Mamina, with a grave and repreheusive 
look. sake 
One important incident is aiso uni- 
formly onitted in novels. I mean little 
sister Betsy runing ito the drawing- 
room, full of morning-visitors, with 
“ Mamma, I saw Mr. Sigh kiss Miss 
Horse-shoe in the garden ;” nor Q in the 
corner, the suff formal young man in the 
window-seat, smothering a horse-laugh ; 
and the entry of Miss Horse-shoe, igno- - 
rantly and innocently running up to him, 
with ** Pig-tail, whatare youlaughing atf” 
and the tremendous burst which follows. 
Mr. Sigh does not, of course, laugh it 
off like aman of the world, for that 
would be unnovel-like; but suffers the 
most melancholy sensations on account 
of poor Miss Horse-shoe-—Feeling soul! . 
In the development of their mutual 
sensations, what a hurly-burly ensues! I 
copy an existing novel.-L'wo constables, 
‘a couple of deep aud long-drawn sighs, 
like the city-marshals on Lord Mayor's 
_ day, advance and clear the road; then 
follow in procession, slarm, confusion, 
starting from seats, amazement, inability 
to speak or move, and trembling expecta- 
tion. After all this, one would naturally 
“expect, that the next thing we should 
Remarks on Modern Novels. , 
1ii 
bear, would be that a blood-vessel had 
burst, and that the doctor was sent for: 
no, no such thing; they fly, they rush . 
into each other’s arms; yes, they do, and 
I have been told, that the concussion of 
their two noddles, which sometimes most 
unfortunately clash through this violent 
and dangerous gesture, has produced 
raptures indeed, but not of the most 
graceful kind, such as hopping about the 
room, &c. : 
In their lovers there is no inconstar- 
cy; there are no Inkles. Girls without 
fortunes, do as well as those with them 5 
horse-radish without beef, the cloth 
without the pudding, All this is very 
generous and very noble; people ia 
this world have no necessity for eating, 
it is only a bad fashion tor the good 
of butchers: this they ought to ansist 
upon; but very wrongly do they take 
‘different measures, even dangerous ones, | 
One halt of the peers of this kingdom are 
‘bigamists, having one wife in a novel 
and another in the world; what scanda- 
lum magaatum!, ‘Then again they take 
one ha!f of the estates of the kingdom frona 
their right owners, and give them Lo peo- 
ple whom nobody ever heard of. -How 
many suits in chancery du or may re- 
suit froin this violent prepensity to dis- | 
pose of other people’s properiy, 1 cannot 
tell; but Lam sure, ‘that it requires the 
notice of parliament. It is indeed a tre- 
mendous grievance. A person who had 
a fine estate in. Dorsetshire, aimight 
find that he had been indulging all this 
while in avreverie, and beconie insane. 
Besides, it affects the interests of nrortga- 
gees aud annuitants. 
I 4nd too what the novelists are pleased 
‘ta call meident, is neither more ner Jess 
than rowing. All parties must row, or 
they’ are not fit characters for novels. 
They rou metvodically, gradually, or more 
and more, till the last chapter but one: 
Then is a universal hubbub wild, 
And tumult and confusion all embroil’d. 
But the lucky dog of a lover, in the next 
chapter, jie Satan, 
Springs upward like a pyramid of fre 
Info the wild expanse; aud through che shock 
Of fighting elements, on all sices round 
Environ’d, wins his girl. 
Matrimony of course follows: now this 
in novels is not punch, a mixture of 
acids, &c. but always sugar-candy; mi- 
sevies enough before, but marriage, in the. 
world of novels, puts an end to all human 
evils. Eternal health! no children that 
die! no cheating servants! no spiteful 
neighbours! no bag debts! no stray 
any ; glauces 
! 
