40 
THE AUSTRALIAN GARDENER. January 1, 1909 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
——:0: —— 
‘ Confound it, waiter ! what’s this ? 
‘It’s bean sonp, sir.’ 
‘Been soup, yes; but what is it now ? 
She—‘How do you make-a 
cross? 
He—‘By pulling his tail.’ 
Maltese 
Coenen eeesenserseseee 
Teacher (to Tommy who has been 
reading aloud, and has given no heed to— 
punctuation-marks)—‘Where are 
pauses?’ 
Tommy (holding up his hands)—‘Here 
they are, sir.’ - 
‘By the way, how did you come out 
with that arink cure you put in your 
husband’s tea ? 
~ First rate. 
your 
He hasn’t drunk a drop 
since.) 
© Of whisky ? 
°No, tea.’ 
seeees eae eesaenconios 
A man was brought before the governor 
of a prison for refusing to go on the 
treadmill. The governor asked him what 
reason he could give for not obeying. 
‘Me go on the treadmill!’ exclaimed the 
prisoner, drawing himself up in offended 
dignity. ~*Never, sir! I’d rather leave the 
gaol!’ 
Said he— Although I don’t complain, 
I wish you’d learn to make 
Those toothsome little girdle-cakes 
My mother used to bake.’ 
*¥ do not blame you, love,’ she purred, 
‘For L. too, often sigh 
For lovely clothes and hats like those 
Dear father used to buy !’ 
sees ser woreeenvccse 
‘Madam.’ said a benevolent-looking 
man, as he raised his hat to a lady who 
had opened the door at which he had 
knocked, ‘I am soliciting subscriptions for 
a Home of Necessitous Children. We 
have hundreds of poor, ragged, semi-civi- 
lised children, like those at your gate,and 
our object is—’ 
‘Sir, those-are my own children!’ 
And the front door was slammed 
violently. 
* Let me see some of your newest kid 
gloves, said a woman at the draper’s. 
© These are not the latest style are they?’ 
she asked, when the gloves were 
produced. 
«Yes, madam,’ replied the shopgirl; ‘we 
have had them in stock only two days.’ 
+ Tdidn’t think they were, because the 
fashion paper says brown kids have tan 
stitches, and vice versa. 
stitches, but not the vice versa.’ 
The shopgirl confidently averred that 
vice'versa was | rench for seven buttons. 
-and beguiled the ignorant customer into 
‘buying three pairs. 
* hate work ? 
I see the tan 
The Judge—‘Is he a 
habits, isn’t he ?’ 
Witness— Yes, sir; 
away from the drink !’ 
First Little Girl—Does your 
man of sober « We've got a new dog; I’ve called him 
Tonic.’ 
when he keeps f= ? 
‘Well, you see, he is mostly whine, 
with a slight infusion of bark, 
© What 
father 
Magistrate : 
here ? 
Prisoner : ‘ Two policemen.’ 
-Magistrate : ‘ Drunk, I suppose.’ 
Prisoner : ‘ Yes, both of them.’ 
The teacher was telling them about the 
seasons. 
He asked : * Now, one of you boys, tell 
brought you 
Second Little Girl—‘ No ; indeed. It 
neyer done him no harm !’ ‘ 
At a railway stations woman asked a . 
railway porter how long the train stopped 
there. 
‘Madam,’ he replied, ‘we stop just 
four minutes, from two to. two to two 
two me which is the proper time to gather 
The -woman turned to her com-_ fruit.’ t f 
panion. “That man must be a lunatic!’ + When the dog is chained up,’ replied 
she said. Johnnie. 
New Goods. New Goods. 
A Large Assortment of the 
LATEST NOVELTIES 
with the 
COAT OF ARMS 
Of United Kingdom, scotland, Ireland, Hngland, Wales, the 
Commonwealth, and South Australia. 
NEW SEASON’S TEAS, COFFEES. and COCOAS. 
Shortbread, Chutnies, and Jellies. 
DRUMMOND BROS., 
144 RUNDLE STREET. 
Soap 
YS 
URES \= SS . 
