November 1, 1909 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
— Smart. — 
*Sincs Maud’s engagement how bright 
and happy she looks!” 
“Yes; a mitch lights up a girl's face.”’ 
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HOR OK OR Rk 
— And Still She Returned It. — 
Old Lady—‘“f want you to take back 
that parrot you sold me, I find that it 
Swears very badly.” 
Bird Dealer—‘Well madam, it’s a very 
young pird, It'll learn to swear better 
When it’s a bit older.” 
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— Sugared Up. — 
School Master: “ What is the principal 
Product of the West Indies?” 
Pupil: “I don’t know.” 
*“ Why, don’t you know where the sugar 
you use comes from ? ” 
“Yes, sir. We borrow it from the 
People next door.” 
* 
ae Para ara 
— He Was Disappointed. — 
She laid her cheek on the easy chair 
against his head, and murmured, “ How I 
do love to rest my head against your head, 
Augustus ! z ; 
“Do you?” said he. ‘ Is it because you 
love me?” 
“No, because it is so nice and soft. ” 
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— He Got It For Nothing. — 
A genial-looking gentleman wanted an 
“pty bottle in which to mix a solution 
®id went toa chemist’s to purchase one. 
Slecting one that suited his purpose, he 
asked the shopman how much it would cost, 
el,” was the reply, “if you want the 
*Mpty bottle it will be a penny, but if you 
Want anything in it you can have it for 
Nothing” 
“Sure that’s fair,’ said the witty cus- 
mer, “Put in a cork.” ; 
THE AUSTRALIAN GARDENER. 
— An Ambigious Compliment. — 
Maud: “I wish I knew whether I ought 
to feel grateful to Mr, Gaboy.or to be angry 
with him,” 
Irene: “Why?” 
Maud: “ He to!d me yesterday he didn’t 
know which he mostadmired—my sparkling 
eye or my blooming cheek!” 
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— Who S:nt Him? — 
Pianotuner: “Good morning. Iam here 
to tune your piano,” 
Brown: “My piano! I did not order a 
piano-tuner.” 
“No, but the gentleman across the road 
did.” 
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— Hasy to Remove.j— 
“ Yes,” said Quiggles,‘ I have a good 
deal on my hands just now.” 
“So I perceive,” replied Fogg. “ Why 
don’t you try a little soap and warm 
water?” 
* * 
Bar aa ar es) 
— It Would Be Costly. — 
Ethel—‘' I—er—suppose you know next: 
week is my birthday—don’t you, Charlie?” 
Charlie— Why, of course I do ! Why do 
you ask ?” ; 
Ethel—“Why, you look so happy I 
thought you’d forgotten it!” 
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~— The Downfall of ‘ Gussie.”— 
In an Adelaide café recently a ‘gent’ of 
the ‘Gussie’ tribe, after scrutinizing the 
menu, ordered devilled kidney. The kidney 
was either not to his liking or else he 
wanted to be funny, for he called the 
somewhat smart waitress to him, and the 
following cunversation ensued :— 
‘Waitress, do you call this devilled 
kidney ? 
‘Yes, sir.’ 
_ ‘Well the devil take it!’ 
‘He has got it, sir” 
Collapse of the joker amidst the laughter 
.of his companions, : 
35 
— And He Agreed. — 
Husband— ‘You never kiss me except. 
when you want some money.” 
Wife— Well, 1sa’t that often enough?” 
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a aE? 
— Not Much Missing, — 
Customer—“ Are these shoes too far 
gone to be repair ?” 
Bootmaker—* No I don’t think so. A 
new pair of uppers. with soles and heels. 
will make ’em all right ; the laces seem 
fairly good.” 
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— Very Nasty. — 
“T have such an indulgent husband.” 
said little Mrs, Doll. 
“Yes, so George says,” responded Mrs, 
Spiteful, quietly. ‘Sometimes he indulges 
too much, doesn’t he?” 
And they no Jonger speak to each other. 
* 
SP as Ph 
— Did She Get Her Johnet ? — 
Mrs, Phoxy: ‘1 was helping Mrs. de Style. 
to put her winter things away to-day, Oh, 
she has the loveliest seal johnet possible,’’ 
Mr. Phoxy : ‘What? What do you mean 
by ‘johnet’ ? ” : 
Mrs. Phoxy : “Of course, how silly of me;. 
but then, dear, I’m hot familiar enough. 
with one myself to call it a jacket.” 
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— A Lesson in Manners, — 
A well-known lawyer is telling a good 
story about himself, and his efforts to 
correct the manners of his office-boy. 
One morning not long ago the young: 
autocrat of the office flew into the office, 
and, tossing his cap at a hook, exclaimed:. 
“Say, Mr. Blank, there’s a ball game 
down at the park today, andI am going: 
down.” : 
Now, the attorney is not a hard-hearted 
man, and was willing the boy should go,. 
but thought he would teach him a little 
lesson in good manners. 
~Jimmie,” he said kindly, “that is’nt the- 
way to ask a favour. Now you come over 
here and sit down, and I’ll show you how 
to do it.” 
The boy took the office chair, and his. 
employer pickedup his cap and stepped 
outside He then opened the door softly,. 
and, holding the cap in his hand, said 
quietly to the small boy in the big chair: 
“Please, sir, there isa ball game at the. 
park to-day. If y:u can spare me, I would. 
like to get away for the afternoon.” 
In a flash the boy responded: 
“Why certainly, Jimmie, and here ig. 
fifty cents to pay your way in!” 
_There are no more lessons in manners in. 
that office. 
