A FEW SMILES. e 
“Now, my boy, you say you do not 
know what the head of a regiment is 
called? Your papa is a soldier isn’t 
he?” 
“Yes, ma’am.” 
“Well, who makes him mind?” 
“Mamma.”—Baltimore American. 
It is not the quality of the meat but 
the cheerfulness of the guests which 
makes the feast—Lord Clarendon. 
“So you have quit laughing at your 
wife’s hats?” 
“Yes,” replied Mr. Growcher. “The 
funnier they seem to me the more con- 
vinced she is that they must be cor- 
rect in style.’—Washington Star. 
“T take a good deal of pride in my 
cousin Hector,’ said Mrs. Lapsing. 
“He paid his own way through the 
medical college, got his diploma and 
now he is a full fledged disciple of 
Osculapius.” 
Senator Bailey was talking about 
the tariff when he produced the most 
remarkable argument that has been 
adduced thus far during the debate. 
It was a sure squelcher. 
Senator Scott of West Virginia had 
disagreed with a proposition of the 
‘Texan, and interrupted to say that he 
“thought” so and so. 
Senator Bailey heard him through, 
and then replied: 
“The senator thinks he thinks that; 
but when he thinks he will think he 
doesn’t think anything of the sort.” 
‘here was no beating it— Phila- 
delphia Times. 
Dr. C. H. Parkhurst once said of 
charity: 
“Too many of us, perhaps, misin- 
terpret the meaning of charity as a 
certain deacon misinterpreted a Scrip- 
tural text. ‘This deacon, a pillar of 
the Western church, entered in his 
diary :— 
- “*The Scripture asserts that “if @ 
man takes away thy coat, let him 
have thy cloak also.’ Today, having 
caught my hostler stealing my pota- 
toes, I have given him the sack.” 
One day Mary came to her mother 
and said, “Mother, my ear aches!” 
“Does it ache very bad, Mary?” 
asked her mother. 
“No.” 
“Well, run ott and play; then you 
will forget about it.” 
Mary went out, but pretty soon she 
came back and said: “Mother, my 
ear does ache. It is not the hole, 
but the ruffle around it.” 
NORTH SHORE BREEZE 
Discussing in Anoka a certain battle 
of the civil war P. G. Woodward, 
commander of the Minnesota Depart- 
ment of the GAR, said: 
“That general reminded me of a 
waiter in Minneapolis. ‘The general 
was too scientific. He was too busy 
with causes and effects, with techni- 
cal moves and what not, to get re- 
sults—that is, to win battles. 
“So with my Minneapolis waiter. 
In a restaurant I said to him: 
““Look at the color of this water. 
Why it’s not fit to drink!’ 
“But the waiter, instead of rushing 
some crystal-pure water to me, took 
up my goblet, studied it carefully, 
shook his head and said: 
“No, sir. You’re deceiving your- 
self, sir. The water’s perfectly all 
right, sir. It’s only the glass what’s 
dirty.’"—Washington Star. 
There was a quick exchange of 
wit one day between Congressman 
Sharp of Ohio and Congressman 
James of Kentucky. 
Mr. Sharp was defining his political 
creed, s 16 "said? 
“IT want protection for every in- 
dustry until it is able to stand on its 
own feet.” 
Like a flash his colleague retorted: 
“Till go that far; I’ll favor protect- 
ing industries until they can stand on 
their own feet, but I don’t feel like 
continuing the protection until they 
stand upon everybody else’s feet.”— 
In a certain part of Scotland, ac- 
cording to Dean Ramsey, the shep- 
herds used to take their collies with 
them to church. The dogs behaved 
well during the sermon, but began to 
be restless during the last psalm and 
saluted the final blessing with joyful 
barks. In one church the congrega- 
tion resolved to stop this unseemly 
detail; so, when a strange minister 
was about to pronounce the blessing, 
all remained seated, instead of rising 
as he expected. He hesitated and 
paused till an old shepherd cried: 
“Say awa’, sir, we’re a’ sittin’ to 
cheat the dowgs.”—Tit-Bits. 
“T think you'd better telephone for 
another woman to come and do your 
washing,” said Mr. Jenkins, who had 
just returned from the basement af- 
ter having “tended to” the furnace. 
“Why?” Mrs. Jenkins asked. 
“Mandy’s down in the laundry, isn’t 
she?” 
“Yes, but she isn’t going to stay 
there.” 
“Did she tell you she wasn’t.” 
“No, but she’s got the oil can to 
help her start the fire in the laundry 
stove.”—Record-Herald. 
The only penalty for dishonesty 
seems to be the disgrace of dying 
rich. 
Thinking has gone rather definitely | 
out of fashion, but a drop of ink 
may make millions blink. 
The doubt of a University of 
Chicago professor whether King Sol- 
omon, as the husband of 700 wives, 
is the best authority for the world of 
today upon such domestic matters as 
the treatment of children, reminds 
one of a story told so often by that 
great English prelate, Archbishop 
Magee. A Gloucestershire lady was 
reading the Old Testament to an aged 
woman who lived at the home for old 
people, and chanced upon the pass- 
age concerning Solomon’s household. 
“Had Solomon really 700 wives?” 
inquired the old lady, after reflection. 
“Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated 
in the Bible.” 
“Lor, mum!” was the comment. 
“What privileges them early Chris- 
tians had!— Cleveland Leader. 
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